Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Power Of Love: ( I am amazed how it can break the chains of even Alzheimers, if only for a moment.)

The Power Of Love
Universal Love:

This is what brought me to writing this blog because it reminded me of an amazing experience with my husbands Grandmother....she wasn't responding to anyone...

The year before my Mother in Law  passed away I found out they had no water heater, and that it had been that way for 2 or 3 years.

That was the year I decided to go and MAKE SURE she got a water heater.

You see, my father in law is a hoarder. Anything in that house gets BURIED.

I am talking like the TV show hoarder. There are barely pathways, but you better pray nothing falls in on you:p (I’m joking, but serious…:P) So I tend to stay out of his house (It also smells HORRIBLE and my asthma gets kicked off if I go in).

We  rented a car to go see them (coincidentally a P.T cruiser…strange little thing, but it was all they had.)

We went to the store and looked at Home Depot for water heaters. All the while Spike (My nickname for my huz's father) trying to haggle with the sales guy but he decided to leave and go home.

Spike  insisted on going home and looking for his 25-30 year warranty  for their old water heater. (Which was supposedly buried in some room with a million other old papers and who knows what. )

Spike kept talking to us trying to get us off the subject of the heater and talked so long that it was a couple hours before the water heater store closed. 

I finally said “I know you  keep trying to get off topic and stall so we won’t buy you one, but here’s my ultimatum…I’m giving you half an hour to find your warranty, and if you don’t find it, were going, with or without you to pick one up for you. After all, you have helped us so many times over the years; it’s about time we paid you back”. (He and his wife paid for lots of things for us when we were first married and struggling)

I saw him walk into that mountain of a room digging through a humongous pile of papers, and half an hour later I said “Ok, I’m leaving with or without you to get a heater…” and ran out the door, dragging my husband with me who is a big pushover when it comes to his parents … 

We brought that PT cruiser to the store. We walked out of the store with the water heater.

We took the water heater out to that little PT cruiser, and that heater fit.  BARELY.

If we would have had a normal car, it wouldn't have.

Thank God for small miracles.

I had wanted Spikes wife, who I was dearly fond of to at least, if anything, have hot water.

That’s the last year I saw her.

To say that the last time I saw her was sad…we laughed every time I saw a mouse crawl out of the giant pile of everything imaginable you could ever think of having in a house, and more.

That I saw a mouse sitting on top of a box of crackers when I went into the kitchen, also piled high with who knows what, who knows why…it made me grimace, but also think of the mouse (Ok, I know Templeton was a rat) in Charlotte’s web singing  “This houuuuuuse is a veritable Smörgåsbord  Smörgåsbord Smörgåsbord  (Ok I took liberties there too:p)

That next year my husband’s mother died. You never know when someone will pass. In my husband’s mothers case, we talked to her the day before and thought she was fine…she was in a Nursing home because she hurt herself, but was better and was going home the next day, and she was excited.  

A day later she was gone. 

She had been writing on a pad (she is a writer with a published book- a very good one I’ll add)

We all saw the legal pad with her writing that day. That it was her last words as a writer is POWERUFL.

On that pad is written “God is Love” Stand that others may stand” and then the pencil line goes down the page…and she was gone.

I was so grateful that I went to see her the year before; even though my parents lived there and I had to pretty much be careful, because honestly, I have NO reason to see them (Those of you who read my blog know why. (For those who don’t go read why…its in my blogs…)

My mother and father tried to attend the funeral, telling everyone they would go.

When I found out they were planning on coming  I had a full blown PTSD moment and collapsed in the hallway of our house. (We live out of state but traveled to get there)  My airways closed up till I thought I wasn't going to make it to my inhaler in the next room. I have NEVER had that happen before. Or since thank heavens. But it was terrifying.

My husband’s relatives called my parents to tell them they were not invited and to please not come. I was so grateful. 

I went there and was allowed to grieve in peace (Since then a counselor has helped me to understand that I have the power in this, not my parents.)

After the funeral my husband and I were just kind of numb.

The day afterword’s Spike decided to go visit Grandma (her Mother) and tried to be sneaky about it thinking he didn't want too many people going. But I hadn't seen her in over 10 years, so I was adamant(and very VERY angry that he had tried to go without me, there was no way in HELL I wasn't going!

 I threw on some clothes (It was morning) and determinedlywalked right though  Spike, who was trying to block the way. Thinking he would stop me he said “only the boys are going to see her”. I roared, “Spike, if I say anything right now I’m going to rip your head off!” and we went to the nursing home to see her, ALL of us.

When I walked in the nursing home, it was awful.

The place to say the least, literally took my breath away. I had to hold my breath as much as I could and try not to gag, the smell was just horrible.

This woman, who had, EVERY year insisted on having Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner at her house around a HUGE table, the lady who never sat down, was ALWAYS at your side offering your more and more food till you were about ready to pop: the woman who would still be standing holding the gravy till everyone would say, usually more than once, Elmoine, SIT DOWN…EAT!


I saw a frail woman… head down at a table, not looking at anyone, and she was not responding.

I just felt this rush of love come over me towards her.

As I watched her, she didn't respond to anyone. My husband and his two brothers tried to. But she wasn't coherent.

I was standing off a ways, trying not to get in the way, though I really wanted to see her.

Finally Spike relented and let me see her last.

That’s when it happened.

I put my arm around her and suddenly she lit up, opened her one good eye, and she was totally coherent.
She looked right at me and said "Where have you been??? I love you”.

I think she felt that rush of love and I felt the same thing coming from her. And there she was.

She said “When are you coming back?” I said “soon”. She said this twice more and then

She said “I am through seeing this” and then said  “I’m through” then she put her hand over my hand and I just sat there for a while with her.

My husband said that he thought maybe I’m who she had been waiting to see before she went.

Joe’s brother said that she hadn't been coherent like that for a long time.

Not long after that Spike told her that her daughter had passed away (My huz’s mother) and she stopped eating. It was as if she just gave up.

“I am through seeing this” she said. Sometimes you have just seen enough.

But I have a feeling that there is a joyous reunion with her daughter up there.

Not to mention her husband who was well known for his generosity (he fed the homeless at their house- and the hobos in their town all filled the church house when he passed away.)

I bet she’s serving them all dinner.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I Need to Apologize. And then I need to DANCE!

Today I was at the YMCA. I go swimming there and do water aerobics with some of the sweetest little old ladies a person could ever meet.

When I first went there they took me under their wing and I was grateful, especially as I have been terribly gun shy when it comes to people because of my experiences in my life the last year.(Though with the person I am, it’s hard for people to see how gun shy I really am. I hide it pretty well)
 (I am very spiritual, but now I have a hard time especially with Mormons, or anyone religious who is trying to force their always seems to me now that they are selling something, though I imagine that they are just telling me their truth, I am just very, VERY wary after what happened to me.) Part of my enduring that and the month long interrogation from my bishop is here::

I just haven’t wanted to let people in.

We do our Aerobics class, and then most of us sit in the hot tub there and talk.
I confided in some of these women, and little by little have started to trust them with my story.

At least two of these women are Mormon.

Despite my story and what I told them, they have still treated me with respect, and I am really growing to love these women. 

Last week they had a white elephant gift party, and I think it was the most comfortable party I’ve ever been to. 

People are just comfortable with who they are and religion and politics just fall by the wayside. We are just people who in my mind enjoy each other’s company…(You should see them in the pool… it’s like a greeting party in the water… with over 30 women.)

Today I was talking to one of the Mormon ladies about some things I’ve been through and she said “you know, we Mormons aren't all bad” and I thought (and said) well, no they aren't, I like you just fine J
And I thought, and am admitting here, that I have talked about my experiences, and have been so deeply hurt that it MAY look like I hate Mormons.

I don’t. (So I apologize if anyone thought I did.)

I just hate the way women are treated and I hope because of my writing, and many other women who are standing up to the abuse writing, will change this horrible treatment of women.

I have had some of the most powerful experiences and learned from Mormons…(though I do not consider myself a Mormon anymore)

It is apparent to me now that things I was taught by some of these people was deeply, HORRIBLY flawed, because of the way Mormon women are put into a box, where they are supposed to STAY. (And I concur, there are women of other religions who that happens too, not just Mormons)

With that said, I have decided I would think through my life and see who I came up with who was Mormon who helped me, though in NO way does what people did to help reflect on if they are Mormon or not Christian, Buddhist, Catholic (I know I’m missing some here) whatever, there is good in every religion and good in all people. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.

So here is my list…

My best friend from high school (who used to be Mormon- who smartly enough left before I did) who moved in kitty corner from my house. At the time I had NO ONE. When I would be at my lowest I would run to her house, pound on her window downstairs, and stay over there after the worst beatings from my father. She was the first person who made it ok to be me. (And we still visit each other :)) I honestly believe that one of the reasons I made it out of there alive was her.

A young woman’s president who was always there for me as a teen (Though I never told her of my beatings)

A neighbor who called the cops of my father when I was being beaten many, MANY times (If you are curious about that, go to the beginning of my blog, and start reading… I am working on a book called “unbreakable” about my life and how I survived the abuse)

The Home and Family professor who worked at a Mormon College that helped me to realize through one of his lessons that if I didn't have help as someone who was abused, that I might end up being an abuser…after class I went up to talk to him about it and burst into tears… and he sent me to the counselor below.

The counselor at that same Mormon College who was there to tell me that my father’s beatings were not my fault. (She was also the one who tried to get me to prosecute my father for attempted murder. I wish I would have. I would have saved endless suffering of many others my father has hurt) I can’t even imagine how many hours she spent driving from where she was to where I was. She is an amazing woman)

A couple of women from my old ward.

Both have been respectful and decent to me who were in my old ward where I was hurt so badly. Both have messaged me at times with honest thoughts or things they were thinking and told me, and one came to my door.  I don’t even know how many times when she did it, ( I may not have answered the door, and still wouldn't just because I’m uncomfortable talking about it, I feel better at writing out my feelings)  but I appreciated her for that. Just glad the doorbell has stopped ringing. HAHA.

So there’s the list.(So far) I may add to it as I remember more, but as I say this I am thinking, there are SO many people who have helped shape me into the person I am.

Many who are also NOT Mormon.

They have helped me look closer, dance (Thank you my Nia tribe:(I am working into being a Nia teacher...if your curious about what it is, it is here:

Especially thank you Susan and Sarah for your presence and especially your letting me be me at the party last week: I can’t believe I felt comfortable enough to actually DANCE to “I Hope You Dance” expressing myself at a party in a way I NEVER was comfortable:  to just break out and dance like that! That is LIVING!) to celebrate who I really am. Ahhhhhhhhhh. J

I am so, SO  grateful to the many, MANY good people who have brought me to where I am today.


(My favorite word, by the way- The light in me bows to the light in you)

Friday, December 12, 2014

The Definition Of Insanity

The definition of insanity..."Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" Mark Twain (Or Einstein, or some chick according to this article:p
You'd think I would have learned this after my ordeal with the church and people parroting the same tired things to me from the church when they see me. 

Today I saw a lady I barely knew from church, and of course she said "How ARE you? I haven't seen you in such a LONG time!~ So, I gave her the card to my blog, said if your curious about why you haven't seen me, its in my blog...I said some things, and she totally didn't  get it. 

She sais "You need to be positive and happy" 

I said This has NOTHING to do with being positive or negative, it is about what they did to me. (That is here if you are curious:

And I AM happy. 

EVERY time I see a member who knew me from church they say in such a strange way "How are you" and it feels like somebody has died, like I'm at my own funeral or something... 

Then she said "BUT you NEED TO BE HAPPY!

Oh...face palm!!!

It is so arrogant to me that someone may think they are better off than me and happier just BECAUSE they are Mormon.

As if they have the patent on happiness.

I don't think so!!

I need to say hello if I have to and freaking MOVE AWAY FROM THE

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Dream...FINALLY after years of agonizing over it: an ANSWER to the question in that dream

I said that Anita Moorjani answered a very BIG question that I have had for years: that I would save that for another day in another blog...Well, that day is here...

I had a dream.

It was so vivid.

I was an African American woman, running for her life. I had NO doubt in my mind, I was HER.

I remember running around this building trying to hide from a man. It was SO real.
I ran out of the building, hiding ANYWHERE, so this man couldn’t find me.  And he was CLOSE. At one point he was so close I could feel his breath on my skin, he was so close. The feeling I had was despair, and it was terrifying. Then I was running across a bridge for all I was worth:   I felt his hand grasping, digging into my shoulder… and I woke up. 

I can see it in my mind even as I talk about it.

I woke up in a sweat, still gasping for air because I had been running so hard in the dream. And I wondered, was I REALLY her?

I couldn’t quite get my head around it.

I have thought about it year after year, and came up with nothing as the answer.

I wondered, even though I had been told (In the Mormon church) there is no such thing as reincarnation, I wondered. There was NO doubt in my mind. I was HER. So what WAS that??

Then came my trial of faith (trial of faith is right! UG! And  that is here if your curious... But I have never lost faith. Life has taught me over and over when I start to lose hope, something bigger than me always leads me in the direction I need to go and drags me up by my bootstraps, sometimes kicking and screaming because usually, at the time, frankly, I am PISSED OFF. (Or just so sad it is just too hard to convey to anyone and I fall deeper and deeper into (I’ll be honest here) a never ending pity party that no one else but me sees :P )
BUT…It never fails. It always happens. Something bigger than me always intervenes. There is ALWAYS hope.

This time what changed everything- including my outlook was a convention (an “I can do it” convention which I have spoken of before here:

In that conference, Anita Moorjani told of her Near Death Experience (You can read about that above) and because I had an NDE myself I was intrigued, so I bought her C.D.

The things she learned while she had that NDE were mind blowing to me (again, you can read that above)
And just when I thought I had heard it all Anita talked about  how when she was ill, lying in her hospital bed, and had passed away, how she had known her husband was there, and her mother was there but suddenly, she FELT what her husband felt: that aching to be with her: and EXACTLY what her mother felt.  Suddenly she WAS them.  She WAS their feelings. She WAS them. 
And she realized; and I realize; we are divinely, beautifully, incredibly and I would say intrinsically connected. THAT is what I felt when I had that dream.

When I had that near death experience, the feeling I had feeling “held by love” what I attribute to God, I felt connected to everything.

I once read a woman’s book (Embraced By The Light) where she talks about her Near death experience, and how suddenly how she was in a field of beautiful roses of color that would defy description.

One rose caught her attention and she was lost in it. Suddenly she WAS that rose. All the roses in that field were actually SINGING praising the maker of it all (Ok, I know this sounds like a drug induced dream but just stay with me here;p) she could feel everything that rose could because she was that rose.

And here I am, as usual led to this information, just at the right time, when I was ready for it.

When my mind was finally open to it.

That is where it all comes full circle, and I understand. In my limited way, I understand.

I don’t know if that means there is reincarnation or not, (as I had wondered) but I think it’s beautiful.

WE ARE ALL CONNECTED. That is the answer.

When we hear of disasters, when we see someone in pain, that feeling we all get, that wanting to help, that feeling of wanting to do something, in my mind that is a big part of this connectedness.

When we hear stories of great triumph, stories of the beautiful indomitable human spirit: THAT makes our heart SING, get a lump in our throat, chills, and be glad and learn and believe again that the world is a good place.  It is beautiful to me. This connectedness is of great design and a beautiful tribute to the creator of it all. (Whoever that may be, or whatever that may be. J)

If we could all stop focusing on ourselves (Ok, now I feel like a hypocrite because well, let’s face it, EVERYONE does this:p) and If we as the world can someday LEARN to focus on the connectedness of us all instead of our differences, instead of  being too busy trying to force our truth down each other’s throats (Which has started MANY a war) maybe, just maybe, there will be peace. Because in my mind there are two things people want most in life. Validation and Love. Neither one can live without the other. Period.

Monday, September 8, 2014

"An Open letter to Feminist Trolls" (Yes, the men whose favorite words start with B,C,or S)

Warning, language (But I sure relate!!!) Sometimes, when I have written my blogs, I get these lovely messages posted publicly by men to my blog to suck their, well you know, or that I'm a slut (How do THEY know? Honey, I've been married 23 years!) or that I'm a c word which is basically telling me I'm a vagina, which basically every woman has, and walks around with every day (as the woman in this video attests too, which means I'm not so that's not really an insult...I think this woman explains it beautifully, though its sad that THESE men(who are kind of simpletons and seriously misogynistic if you ask me) always resort to these three or four words words WORDS. Which mean, well...NOTHING:p.

Guest Blog: On Feelings Of Ex Mormons When They Leave:(This fits my feelings more than anything I've ever read) P.S. distribute far and wide!

This is a VERY good blog regarding ex-Mormons feelings about how they are treated after they leave...I would suggest my Mormon friends WIDELY distribute this... I like it so much and it fits a lot of my feelings about how people have treated me when I left the church: so much that I am putting it here on my blog site...(I got  her permission)

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Let It Gooooooo! (Video)

Funny..Last March I sang this song (I am a singer by trade- been in a band who was invited as one of 3 bands to be in Studio 7s "Battle Of the Bands" and would have gotten a contract if we won...IF I wouldn't have been Mormon at the time and played and gigged on Sunday: so don't be scared to click on   after the "inquisition" of a full month from my asinine bishop for my Ordain women profile where he took my temple recommend- I had been ridiculed at church (And my husband doing something called home teaching got bawled out by a member for my marriage equality sign in my yard- too damn bad! Its MY yard!) and just plain bullied by the Mormon Church Presidency in my area and this was my way of coping singing: I notice how tired and sad I look, but I was starting to let go... song I sang yesterday I look completely free and happy compared...Singing a song called "This is God" (I think it sums up EVERYTHING I feel about the world and how we should treat people. Its a song that is from "Gods" perceptive) I think there is a HUGE literal change in how I look...I am liberated from all the ridiculousness. And it actually physically SHOWS.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

My Thoughts On The Person Who Posted The Genie and Aladdin Saying "Now you are free"

My thoughts on the person who posted The genie and Aladdin saying "Now you are free" 
Sad as it may be that he is gone- I wish that he would have stayed.

So many are saying that "saying he is free is glorifying suicide". I do not believe it is...whats done is done and it can't be turned back, no matter how much all of us wish we could. 

I believe that the person who posted it was trying to make the best of a unspeakably sad situation. 

They probably are horrified that it could be taken in such a bad way... 

As his daughter Zelda said "While I'll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay", 

I like so many others wish he had stayed. We will never again get to see his genius.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams, Me, And ENFP's

I don’t know why I am hit so hard by this…

I’ve been sitting here looking at Movies, plays, anything that Robin Williams has said and done, and I’m devastated. I’ve cried over this.

Sobbed even.

I don’t understand why, I didn’t know him personally.

But with the kind of guy he was, it felt when he was in those movies that are so timeless like he let us into his own little world. And he seemed totally unafraid.

You know, He would get that look in his eyes when you saw him in a movie that said “C’mere…  let me tell you a secret, and you’re in on it”  kind of look.

There are only a few people who have left this world that have given me that kind of impression.

Chris Farley, who when he got crazy funny, you felt like you were in on the joke with him.
Whitney Houston, who had this voice that spoke more honesty IN her voice than any other singer I’ve ever heard in my life. (I tried when she passed to write a blog about her and ended up a crying mess…I couldn’t do it.)

When I was a teenager I was sitting on top of a camper tanning in my bikini when I heard Whitney’s voice for the first time. I listened to the whole tape (Yeah, I’m old;p) she made such an impression that I thought “Whitney is such a strong woman’s name- If I have a daughter, I am naming her Whitney". (I did)

I would be doing dishes at my parents’ house  as a teenager singing “The Greatest Love Of All”- because I didn’t feel like I was loved, (Some of you who have read my blogs know about my horrible abuse) but that song told me about the greatest love of all…learning its ok to learn to love yourself…before I had loathed who I was because I was told I was worthless…hearing Whitney sing those words made me believe that maybe, just maybe I was worth loving. And I believed her. Her music saved my life more than once. Literally.

Those three people are timeless to me.

It  is rare that you find people like that, especially in Hollywood.

Years back when I took something called the Myers Briggs personality test, I found out I was an ENFP. - another good one as some of the other doesn't fit me anyway here Then I found out Robin Williams was an ENFP. I was so proud of the fact that I was the same personality type as him. I still am.

They say that ENFP’s have a silly switch. (My best friend from high school Jennie could attest to that- Sometimes I couldn’t turn it off:p) You saw that in Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam” in “Mrs. Doubtfire” and how he ad libbed in Aladdin.

Especially Aladdin.

That man pretty much wrote his own script.

Despite everything, children eons from now will be singing “Let me take your order jot it down you ain’t NEVA had a friend like me” (I bet you just read that in Robin Williams voice, didn’t you?  ;p)

That is what makes him so timeless. He was an original. A legend.

Whatever his last thoughts were, he will never be forgotten.

From the bottom of my heart, Robin Williams, whatever your demons were, now you are free. (Sad as it may be that he is gone-  I wish that he would have stayed. But in the last day or so it has come out that he had Parkinson's disease..( Now maybe I understand a little better.

With that said, so many are stating that "saying he is free is glorifying suicide". I do not believe it is...whats done is done and it can't be turned back, no matter how much all of us wish we could. and I believe that the person who posted the Genie with Aladdin saying "Now you are free"  was just trying to make the best of a unspeakably sad situation. And I imagine they would feel horrified to think that people may think  they are glorifying suicide. In my mind they aren't.

  As his daughter Zelda so beautifully said "While I'll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay", I like so many others wish he had stayed. We will never again get to see his genius.

My life as as a teenager was pretty turbulent. My life could have ended at any moment, I was beaten so severely almost weekly , my head being pounded against the wall passing out many time I was strangled for eating after 10. It is a miracle I am alive.

 At 16 years old I came close to slitting my wrists because my parents forgot my birthday... on purpose.
(I found out later...)

As I sat on my bed I saw our vanity table next to me, the broken glass on the tabletop mirrored my feeling of being broken and worthless.

I took a piece of that glass in my hand, and was inches away from slitting my wrist when something told me "You will never know how good your life will be unless you stay". That is the only thing that stopped me.

Life is a roller coaster. sometimes you want to scream, sometimes you feel like your going to throw up. (I like comparing life to a roller coaster- MAN the highs and the lows!)

BUT if you stay, you can learn to ride those waves, those up and downs, and ultimately, what I have experienced is a beauty I would have never known if I would have left.

God has brought me back from the brink more than once.

The other day I was at my counselors, and she asked me what I believe about God.

I told her all the amazing things in my life that have happened, from my near death experience, to looking at a website when we were looking for a house KNOWING which house would be ours before we even went to look at it and looking up at the sky and saying “Really God”? This beautiful house is for ME”? To the tailor made trail behind my house that seems (again) to be made just for me (I used to get in car to go to places like this to walk on in the morning) But for ME??

My counselor said “I think that the only way I can think of to describe to you what you are feeling is that you are “surprised by God”.

Yeah, surprise fits.

Whatever your higher power, your Buddha, nature,God, or not, there is sometimes sadness, but there is also BEAUTY in the journey.

With that said I believe that wherever Robin Williams is his reunion with Christopher Reeve and so many others must be joyous, whatever we feel down here. (All I know is that every near death experience I have read about,and the feelings I had, including in my own near death experience (Which you can read about here was about how much I was loved. The whole WORLD loves Robin Williams. I can't even imagine what the reunion must be like for him there.

If he ever doubted how much he was loved, now I believe he KNOWS.

Robin, For bearing your heart and soul in every movie, for letting us see who you really were…you were a bright light that never will really go out.

Now you will shine in a whole different way, wherever you are.

Thank you.

Friday, August 8, 2014

"A Soul That Has Just Gained Freedom Needs No Permission"

I don't know why but this. just went through my mind...

"A soul that has just gained freedom needs no permission"

Heidi Vesser (And now you know my name :))

That can be taken two ways.

One, a dying soul who has just found freedom in death needs no permission ...another, a soul who finds freedom in life....  needs no permission.

That thought can be taken in many ways. How SIMPLE.


I think I want it on my tombstone.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

They Can't Make Us disappear. (And Thoughts On My Unbreakable Book That I have Been Working On Forever...)

I think I have an idea...

My "Unbreakable" book that I've been working on for a long time has always felt a little bit lopsided- like its not finished...

I have realized that the abuse I have gone through has not only been on my fathers side but also from the church.

It has not just happened to me, but to so many others and more and more women EVERY day.

To tell the story of what happened with Ordain Women, with my bishop, the Churches public relations incredibly inaccurate (not to mention dishonest) statements, and all these amazing women...and how my life led up to THIS... suddenly I feel that that is what I need to do.

I was talking to my counselor today reading her my blogs (I haven't seen her in a few months) and after reading them to her she said "Heidi,you were born for this".

Ok God, I get it now...

With the 1500 hits in one day on a blog about why I left the church and now over 11, 000 my blogs have gotten (Not to mention the 260,261hits on my profile page on Google) it tells me people are watching the Mormon church very, VERY closely. This is only the beginning... they can't stop this movement... No matter how much they want us to disappear.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Palestinian Israeli conflict: Learn to SHARE

I get sent things to me to like Palestine, or to like Israel with his huge, horrible conflict. (Know I will like BOTH sides)

What I am in agreement with, on either side is that ANY loss of life is tragic.

There is SO much abundance, EVERYWHERE and it is sad when the lesson that is learned (And taught) is so much hatred on either side. ...that even adults in their 'wisdom" cant learn this simple lesson:

That there is enough for anyone, that greed hurts EVERYONE and that the world goes straight to hell when we are SO busy screaming "ITS MINE!" that we can't learn what we were taught as a SHARE.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

What Do Anita Moorjani, My Near Death Experience, Butterflies and Coming Full Circle Have In Common With Leaving The Mormon Church? (This title sounds like it should have a punchline :P HAHA.)

I have come full circle.

A month or so ago, I went to a conference with Wayne Dyer. He said life is either love or fear.

I think I have lived in fear for SO long.

In the Mormon Church it seems we fear everything.

We’re terrified!

Especially as women in the Ordain women movement, in or out.

 I experienced that fear first hand in a women’s class when the Stake President (A man in charge) sat in the Women’s class at church about the Priesthood (Which he never has done.) Women were tripping all over themselves making comments to make sure that he KNEW they weren’t like me. Especially when they were staring at me as they said their comments that at times seemed pointedly directed at ME.

We in the church fear EVERYTHING. We fear change, we fear God, (Even though we talk about his love) we even fear hemlines. I have seen the slight indiscriminate snotty stare any woman gets for having a hemline just a little too high. Or a little too low.

Heaven forbid they wear a tank top! WOW! (Ok now I’m rolling my eyes, but I have seen it!)

In this conference I went to, Wayne Dyer talked about people being afraid and fearful, and because of this, not realizing their potential. But LOVE… love changes everything! It opens us up! Fear closes us off. Love opens us up to anything.

At that conference love is what a woman named Anita Moorjani spoke of when she had her near death experience. Unconditional love is such a clumsy word for this world to try to explain a near death experience, but that’s as close to heaven as we get here. (If you are curious about my near death experience at 16 years old  it is here: )

I bought Anita’s audio book and as I was coming home from the conference I listened to it. (I highly, HIGHLY recommend it- it blew my mind. Seriously. And I loved hearing her voice…there’s a peace in her voice I love)

The thing that REALLY struck me was that her father was Hindu and had tried to force her into an arranged marriage. She ran away.

When she died she met her father (He had passed before her) and all of that didn’t matter. Religion didn’t matter; societal training and cultural beliefs didn’t matter.

All that mattered was LOVE. This amazing, bigger than life, bigger than all of us unconditional LOVE.

I KNOW this love.

Before she left heaven her father and best friend (Who had died months earlier) told her to go back and live life fearlessly. I think that’s beautiful.

The biggest thing she said she learned in heaven was that everyone has their own truth, and that you should never let anyone take that from you.

It’s funny she said that, because that has always been my philosophy. I wonder if that is because of my near death experience that I feel that way.
(There’s more she said that actually answered a very BIG question that I have had for years, but I’ll save that for another day.)
(Another couple of good books are “Proof Of Heaven” by a man who was an atheist who had bacterial meningitis of the brain- his brain was literally dead…and he came back believing in heaven…  you can hear his story on YouTube- and listen to the 5 hour book read also on YouTube,

I was talking to a neighbor today who is Mormon and goes to my church and he asked me where I have been.. (I haven’t been to church in a month or so)I told him that I’m done going to a church where men in little rooms judge unrighteously. That the only judgement that I need is Gods, who really knows me.  He kept asking about Joe my husband, as if somehow our marriage must be in trouble when in fact, Joe honestly just doesn't like to deal with people and just doesn't want to go.. The truth is, there has been more peace in the house since we stopped going…this last year has been torture at church because of the behavior of the incredibly controlling Bishop. (My experience with that and what he did to try to control me is here:: )  And the ridiculous things said by members, that would be here:  not to mention the gossip.

I kept telling that neighbor “I’m ok”, but he just didn’t get it. I felt the need to reassure him, I don’t know why other than I feel better than I ever have in my life, I fel free, FINALLY!  He told me to stop saying I’m ok, but I think in the end I said it more just because he told me not to:P

 I don’t know that he is so worried for my immortal soul that he just can’t help himself, but I don’t need him to understand. People need to look after their own souls, God knows me MUCH better than they do.

I know the nature of God. I don’t need someone who hasn’t had a near death experience or get it to explain Gods love to me. I know the churches doctrines, I’ve feel I've dug deeper in my study than most members seem to and I know what my truth is. Nothing else matters.

I feel that there is good reason this is the church of my abusive father (No wonder he chose the LDS church, its abusive practices towards women must have appealed to him)

I believe organized religion is men’s excuse to play God. I believe that God is ready to give us so much, but that we are the ones who aren’t ready.

Less than a week ago I was in a training meeting.That very morning  I had been in the shower at my best friend’s house from high school…I had jumped out of the shower, thrown my bathrobe on, ran out to the front room where Jennie was sitting and said “I want a butterfly tattoo!” I went to the space where I was being trained that week. I saw the receptionist, and on her arm, was a butterfly tattoo! (I call her butterfly Sam :)) I went out into the lobby after class, and suddenly saw I saw a butterfly that was flying around this 2nd story building inside the very room I was in. Here I was at my training watching a BUTTERFLY..

I look at butterflies as a sign of freedom, of rebirth…I have always seen butterflies when I’ve been bothered by something, it’s always felt like a sign of God’s love…and God knows what a free spirit I am.

I was frustrated talking to this neighbor today…he’s a nice enough man but he has his truth and I have mine: That SHOULD be ok. It was just annoying that I felt he was trying to correct me, shaking his head no at me as if I am wrong when I KNOW what my truth is and I don’t need to be corrected. I don’t need to be talked to like a child as if I don’t get it.  As I was talking to that neighbor telling him how liberated I feel, a butterfly flew right past us.

Just because he doesn’t understand, doesn’t mean God doesn’t.

Thank you God!

I think I’m going to get a butterfly tattoo…one with big ol curly black feelers and the word “FEARLESS” In big letters around it!