Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I Need to Apologize. And then I need to DANCE!

Today I was at the YMCA. I go swimming there and do water aerobics with some of the sweetest little old ladies a person could ever meet.

When I first went there they took me under their wing and I was grateful, especially as I have been terribly gun shy when it comes to people because of my experiences in my life the last year.(Though with the person I am, it’s hard for people to see how gun shy I really am. I hide it pretty well)
 (I am very spiritual, but now I have a hard time especially with Mormons, or anyone religious who is trying to force their agenda...it always seems to me now that they are selling something, though I imagine that they are just telling me their truth, I am just very, VERY wary after what happened to me.) Part of my enduring that and the month long interrogation from my bishop is here::http://songsofaletheia.blogspot.com/2013/11/the-road-less-traveledmy-nightmare-of.html))

I just haven’t wanted to let people in.

We do our Aerobics class, and then most of us sit in the hot tub there and talk.
I confided in some of these women, and little by little have started to trust them with my story.

At least two of these women are Mormon.

Despite my story and what I told them, they have still treated me with respect, and I am really growing to love these women. 

Last week they had a white elephant gift party, and I think it was the most comfortable party I’ve ever been to. 

People are just comfortable with who they are and religion and politics just fall by the wayside. We are just people who in my mind enjoy each other’s company…(You should see them in the pool… it’s like a greeting party in the water… with over 30 women.)

Today I was talking to one of the Mormon ladies about some things I’ve been through and she said “you know, we Mormons aren't all bad” and I thought (and said) well, no they aren't, I like you just fine J
And I thought, and am admitting here, that I have talked about my experiences, and have been so deeply hurt that it MAY look like I hate Mormons.

I don’t. (So I apologize if anyone thought I did.)

I just hate the way women are treated and I hope because of my writing, and many other women who are standing up to the abuse writing, will change this horrible treatment of women.

I have had some of the most powerful experiences and learned from Mormons…(though I do not consider myself a Mormon anymore)

It is apparent to me now that things I was taught by some of these people was deeply, HORRIBLY flawed, because of the way Mormon women are put into a box, where they are supposed to STAY. (And I concur, there are women of other religions who that happens too, not just Mormons)

With that said, I have decided I would think through my life and see who I came up with who was Mormon who helped me, though in NO way does what people did to help reflect on if they are Mormon or not Christian, Buddhist, Catholic (I know I’m missing some here) whatever, there is good in every religion and good in all people. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.

So here is my list…

My best friend from high school (who used to be Mormon- who smartly enough left before I did) who moved in kitty corner from my house. At the time I had NO ONE. When I would be at my lowest I would run to her house, pound on her window downstairs, and stay over there after the worst beatings from my father. She was the first person who made it ok to be me. (And we still visit each other :)) I honestly believe that one of the reasons I made it out of there alive was her.

A young woman’s president who was always there for me as a teen (Though I never told her of my beatings)

A neighbor who called the cops of my father when I was being beaten many, MANY times (If you are curious about that, go to the beginning of my blog, and start reading… I am working on a book called “unbreakable” about my life and how I survived the abuse)

The Home and Family professor who worked at a Mormon College that helped me to realize through one of his lessons that if I didn't have help as someone who was abused, that I might end up being an abuser…after class I went up to talk to him about it and burst into tears… and he sent me to the counselor below.

The counselor at that same Mormon College who was there to tell me that my father’s beatings were not my fault. (She was also the one who tried to get me to prosecute my father for attempted murder. I wish I would have. I would have saved endless suffering of many others my father has hurt) I can’t even imagine how many hours she spent driving from where she was to where I was. She is an amazing woman)

A couple of women from my old ward.

Both have been respectful and decent to me who were in my old ward where I was hurt so badly. Both have messaged me at times with honest thoughts or things they were thinking and told me, and one came to my door.  I don’t even know how many times when she did it, ( I may not have answered the door, and still wouldn't just because I’m uncomfortable talking about it, I feel better at writing out my feelings)  but I appreciated her for that. Just glad the doorbell has stopped ringing. HAHA.

So there’s the list.(So far) I may add to it as I remember more, but as I say this I am thinking, there are SO many people who have helped shape me into the person I am.

Many who are also NOT Mormon.

They have helped me look closer, dance (Thank you my Nia tribe:(I am working into being a Nia teacher...if your curious about what it is, it is here:https://nianow.com/)

Especially thank you Susan and Sarah for your presence and especially your letting me be me at the party last week: I can’t believe I felt comfortable enough to actually DANCE to “I Hope You Dance” expressing myself at a party in a way I NEVER was comfortable:  to just break out and dance like that! That is LIVING!) to celebrate who I really am. Ahhhhhhhhhh. J

I am so, SO  grateful to the many, MANY good people who have brought me to where I am today.


(My favorite word, by the way- The light in me bows to the light in you)

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