Saturday, April 27, 2013

Choking On My...Words?

Once again, God amazes me. My higher power, my strength when I am clueless, my big ol eye in the sky good guy:P
I was in a hurry, eating as fast as I could because I had to be to class when something told me to get a glass of water.
I did, and quickly stuffed what was left of a roll in my mouth, some broccoli and spaghetti...and immediately knew I was in trouble. Somehow the roll got stuck in my throat, and the spaghetti wrapped around it making a gigantic ball in my throat and the broccoli kinda went along for the ride.
I started choking and I couldn't get it out. I was panicking. It felt like the thing was growing into a big ball in my throat (Or maybe my throat was constricting around it I'm thinking...)
My husband was upstairs totally oblivious...
I tried drinking the water and nothing happened... and the thoughts going through my head were "Am I going to die? Am I going to be here convulsing with my husband upstairs? Is he going to find me on the floor dead?"
I tried one more drink of water, something FINALLY got loose and I swallowed that big ball of Spaghetti/roll/broccoli. My throat was on fire. I've never had my throat hurt so badly.
I can't believe I swallowed that thing, I know it was HUGE.
I've never had anything happen quite like that...unless you count my dad strangling me and one other time when I was little and almost drowned. (Those of you who read my blog already know that)
So this means I've come close to death 3 times...I was joking with my husband "Three strikes you’re out… Guess this means that I get to start all over”. lol...sorta:p  my husband said "That’s not funny:P
I woke up this morning with my throat on fire again but grateful thinking "Damn, it’s good to be alive!" feeling like I was going to cry.
This time it was my own fault...As usual God was the only one to get me out of it...
 I think that "something" telling me to get a glass of water was God. I think God must have been thinking..."oh boy, one of my kids is about to do something stupid again":p
As always, God has his/her eye on the sparrow.
So what is the lesson? So many times in life we all move along so fast until something, whether it be sickness, unhappiness, or a big ol wad gets stuck in our throat and we have to slow down before we drown/ choke/ lose who we are…
So if I go along too fast in life, I may end up choking on it instead of living my life’s purpose.  If I slow down and look around for a minute, if I slow down…that may change the way I see things.
Like how big a bite I should take.
Thank you God.
I think in my case I just need to take smaller bites:p

Saturday, April 6, 2013

GMO- Genetically Modified foods

I am pretty much an activist when it comes to GMOS. I have completely gotten rid of anything that isn't organic in my house.
The result?
My Raynaud’s (A disease where your hands or feet actually turn BLUE- where you can actually lose digits (fingers, toes) hasn’t happened anymore, and I haven’t had an asthma attack since we’ve been eating organic.
Coincidence? I don’t think so.
A big problem in the U.S. A. is Monsanto…
This article explains…  

“When you take a moment to reflect on the history of product development at Monsanto, what do you find? Here are twelve products that Monsanto has brought to market."
"Monsanto has learned a thing or two in the past 100+ years of defending its dirty products: these days, when a new study proving the negative health or environmental impacts of GMOs emerges, Monsanto attacks the study and its scientist(s) by flooding the media with counter claims from “independent” organizations, scientists, industry associations, blogs, sponsored social media, and articles by “private” public relations firms—all founded, funded and maintained by Monsanto. Unfortunately, few of us take the time to trace the members, founders, and relationships of these seemingly valid sources back to their little Monsanto secret.
Fooling the FDA required a slightly different approach: click on the below chart to see how many former Monsanto VPs and legal counsel are now holding positions with the FDA. And don’t forget Clarence Thomas, former Monsanto attorney who is now a Supreme Court Justice, ruling in favor of Monsanto in every case brought before him.
When you take a moment to reflect on the history of product development at Monsanto, what do you find? Here are twelve products that Monsanto has brought to market. “
Read the article, educate yourself, and once you find the truth for yourself, post on Facebook, post on social medias.
Tell your friends, educate the world!
Lucky for us every man is NOT an island.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Sometimes when I write…I do it as if people are in the know…like they are in on the joke that at times  seems to have been my OLD life. But they’re not.

Your not.:p

Hopefully my last blogs have made sense, as I think my mother’s box that she sent me put me into spiral mode for a bit.

When I lived at my parents’ house, my sister told me that I would be talking about one thing, and then ...suddenly race off in a totally different direction.

I think that because my life with my parents didn’t make sense and was so crazy, I felt like I had to fit every little bit of information about absolutely everything into whatever I was talking about.

I felt back then like I had to prove my point by shoving as much information into the conversation that I thought I had which ALSO at times didn’t make any sense at all to anyone but me. :P

My mind just moves too fast.

There are times that I catch myself writing something out, and my brain thinks the word, but my fingers on the keyboard skips over the word and the next thing I know, I’ve written down a sentence that I understand, but no one else does. :p

I thought I had grown out of it, but I just looked through the "Pandoras Box" blog and realized that I reverted right back to the old days, for the moment.

If that’s what’s just happened, hopefully I’ll explain myself better next time…Good thing there are editors out there.

By the time I get my whole “Unbreakable” book finished I’ll definitely have one go through it.:P

Letter To My Mother

A few days after I got my mothers "Pandoras box", (Story about it to the left...Pandoras I call it- if your curious about the story) I went to someone who is very healing, even in the state I was in. My counselor calls what happens to me "going into a spiral" when I get things like cards or boxes from my mother. It brings back BAD memories. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get out of spiral mode, BUT unlike before counseling, I get out of that spiral BECAUSE I realize now that I am in the middle of a spiral. Before I had no idea what was happening to me. I just knew I was in a seriously pissed off mood.
In a sad, depressed state. Thats where it puts me. But I'm NOT stuck there anymore.
Part of what has helped me heal is Cranial Sacral work. I feel I was led to it, like so many other things in my life.
I was introduced to it by a very intuitive woman who has surprised me on more than one occasion how in tune she is to what my mind and body is going through.
One time I was on the table where she was working on my body and as I was thinking "heal" she said "I feel prompted to tell you that now is the time to heal". just as the thought had crossed my mind.(With Cranial Sacral, think Chiropractor, without the cracking and popping being forced. WIth THIS stuff, your body just does it on its own- I have gasped in surprise when she's been working on an entirely different area and all on its own, my body all of a sudden, "POPS" in a totally different area! She might be working on my shoulder, and my knee pops...surprises me every time. I have learned that the body knows best, and knows exactly what it needs, and it doesn't need to be forced.  All that "No pain no gain" stuff is just crap if you ask me.)  
My counselor has highly recommended Cranial Sacral therapy.
This time when I went to the Cranial Sacral therapist, and told her what was going on, she said "Maybe your mother needs to understand WHY you don't see her". And she suggested me writing a letter to my mother explaining why I chose to not see her, and whether I sent it to her or not, at least I would have written it out.
So I went home, and for the first time in over 15 years, I poured out all my feelings on paper about her.
You wonder why I don't have contact. Here is why.
 I don't even know what to think of you.
 You violated my trust so many times that I didn't even know what trust meant.
 You aren't safe.
 I'm not safe trusting you.
 I have choices now, and I choose to keep chaos out of my life. That means keeping you out of my life.
 When you involved complete strangers who lived at my old address with a "Current resident"  letter to them, (Blog explaining the current res letter up above) you were carrying on the craziness to them. People who have no clue, but who now know the WHOLE truth because I went to see them, told them the ENTIRE story, and they gave me the "current resident" letter along with the pictures, which I burned.
 I don't think you know anything else other than chaos, and where there isn't any, you create it.
 You have lived in chaos for so long, and have been so used to having to be deceptive, having not lived in a normal, healthy relationship that I don't think you know what one is.
 Everything is crazy making, gossiping (Even about your own children- Even when we were at home you would pit us against each other so we would come to you)  underneath it is just NOT NORMAL.
 Having you in my life just wouldn't be wise. Period.
  My life is peaceful. I don't think you know what peace is.
 I think when you start stirring things up, it’s because you really, truly don't know what a peaceful life is,
 It’s too uncomfortable if there’s not chaos in your life so you create it.
 That is the LAST thing I need in my life.
 I really am happy and feel I am figuring things out.
 If you can't handle leaving me alone, or your husband, I will blow the lid wide open on on WHO and what he really is. And believe me, I won't be alone.
 I love you Mom. Just so you know. BUT I won't EVER be controlled again.
Someday, if he is gone, I mean really, truly GONE, (If he passes before you) I MIGHT consider seeing you one last time. 
It will just be me and you, or else I won't be there. And it won't be with me telling you any details of my life. I don't want you to be a part of my life or know what goes on around me; you've used too many people gossiping about everyone and everything around you, MY life is my life. Period. It will be MY choice if it happens. No amount of being told “I'm old" or this or that has any effect on MY decision. The only thing those words make me do is roll my eyes. Guilt trips may have worked back then but not anymore.
 If you or he try to force your way with this, it will NEVER happen.
 So leave it alone.
After I wrote it, it was the strangest feeling. A feeling of release. Everything I felt that week, all the old baggage that had come rushing back when I got that package, was GONE. And in its place was a calmness. Whether my mother got the letter or not, I felt a strange sense of closure.
It felt like I was closing a book.  And whats written in that book, Well, thats MY choice.