Thursday, December 18, 2014

The Power Of Love: ( I am amazed how it can break the chains of even Alzheimers, if only for a moment.)

The Power Of Love
Universal Love:

This is what brought me to writing this blog because it reminded me of an amazing experience with my husbands Grandmother....she wasn't responding to anyone...

The year before my Mother in Law  passed away I found out they had no water heater, and that it had been that way for 2 or 3 years.

That was the year I decided to go and MAKE SURE she got a water heater.

You see, my father in law is a hoarder. Anything in that house gets BURIED.

I am talking like the TV show hoarder. There are barely pathways, but you better pray nothing falls in on you:p (I’m joking, but serious…:P) So I tend to stay out of his house (It also smells HORRIBLE and my asthma gets kicked off if I go in).

We  rented a car to go see them (coincidentally a P.T cruiser…strange little thing, but it was all they had.)

We went to the store and looked at Home Depot for water heaters. All the while Spike (My nickname for my huz's father) trying to haggle with the sales guy but he decided to leave and go home.

Spike  insisted on going home and looking for his 25-30 year warranty  for their old water heater. (Which was supposedly buried in some room with a million other old papers and who knows what. )

Spike kept talking to us trying to get us off the subject of the heater and talked so long that it was a couple hours before the water heater store closed. 

I finally said “I know you  keep trying to get off topic and stall so we won’t buy you one, but here’s my ultimatum…I’m giving you half an hour to find your warranty, and if you don’t find it, were going, with or without you to pick one up for you. After all, you have helped us so many times over the years; it’s about time we paid you back”. (He and his wife paid for lots of things for us when we were first married and struggling)

I saw him walk into that mountain of a room digging through a humongous pile of papers, and half an hour later I said “Ok, I’m leaving with or without you to get a heater…” and ran out the door, dragging my husband with me who is a big pushover when it comes to his parents … 

We brought that PT cruiser to the store. We walked out of the store with the water heater.

We took the water heater out to that little PT cruiser, and that heater fit.  BARELY.

If we would have had a normal car, it wouldn't have.

Thank God for small miracles.

I had wanted Spikes wife, who I was dearly fond of to at least, if anything, have hot water.

That’s the last year I saw her.

To say that the last time I saw her was sad…we laughed every time I saw a mouse crawl out of the giant pile of everything imaginable you could ever think of having in a house, and more.

That I saw a mouse sitting on top of a box of crackers when I went into the kitchen, also piled high with who knows what, who knows why…it made me grimace, but also think of the mouse (Ok, I know Templeton was a rat) in Charlotte’s web singing  “This houuuuuuse is a veritable Smörgåsbord  Smörgåsbord Smörgåsbord  (Ok I took liberties there too:p)

That next year my husband’s mother died. You never know when someone will pass. In my husband’s mothers case, we talked to her the day before and thought she was fine…she was in a Nursing home because she hurt herself, but was better and was going home the next day, and she was excited.  

A day later she was gone. 

She had been writing on a pad (she is a writer with a published book- a very good one I’ll add)

We all saw the legal pad with her writing that day. That it was her last words as a writer is POWERUFL.

On that pad is written “God is Love” Stand that others may stand” and then the pencil line goes down the page…and she was gone.

I was so grateful that I went to see her the year before; even though my parents lived there and I had to pretty much be careful, because honestly, I have NO reason to see them (Those of you who read my blog know why. (For those who don’t go read why…its in my blogs…)

My mother and father tried to attend the funeral, telling everyone they would go.

When I found out they were planning on coming  I had a full blown PTSD moment and collapsed in the hallway of our house. (We live out of state but traveled to get there)  My airways closed up till I thought I wasn't going to make it to my inhaler in the next room. I have NEVER had that happen before. Or since thank heavens. But it was terrifying.

My husband’s relatives called my parents to tell them they were not invited and to please not come. I was so grateful. 

I went there and was allowed to grieve in peace (Since then a counselor has helped me to understand that I have the power in this, not my parents.)

After the funeral my husband and I were just kind of numb.

The day afterword’s Spike decided to go visit Grandma (her Mother) and tried to be sneaky about it thinking he didn't want too many people going. But I hadn't seen her in over 10 years, so I was adamant(and very VERY angry that he had tried to go without me, there was no way in HELL I wasn't going!

 I threw on some clothes (It was morning) and determinedlywalked right though  Spike, who was trying to block the way. Thinking he would stop me he said “only the boys are going to see her”. I roared, “Spike, if I say anything right now I’m going to rip your head off!” and we went to the nursing home to see her, ALL of us.

When I walked in the nursing home, it was awful.

The place to say the least, literally took my breath away. I had to hold my breath as much as I could and try not to gag, the smell was just horrible.

This woman, who had, EVERY year insisted on having Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner at her house around a HUGE table, the lady who never sat down, was ALWAYS at your side offering your more and more food till you were about ready to pop: the woman who would still be standing holding the gravy till everyone would say, usually more than once, Elmoine, SIT DOWN…EAT!


I saw a frail woman… head down at a table, not looking at anyone, and she was not responding.

I just felt this rush of love come over me towards her.

As I watched her, she didn't respond to anyone. My husband and his two brothers tried to. But she wasn't coherent.

I was standing off a ways, trying not to get in the way, though I really wanted to see her.

Finally Spike relented and let me see her last.

That’s when it happened.

I put my arm around her and suddenly she lit up, opened her one good eye, and she was totally coherent.
She looked right at me and said "Where have you been??? I love you”.

I think she felt that rush of love and I felt the same thing coming from her. And there she was.

She said “When are you coming back?” I said “soon”. She said this twice more and then

She said “I am through seeing this” and then said  “I’m through” then she put her hand over my hand and I just sat there for a while with her.

My husband said that he thought maybe I’m who she had been waiting to see before she went.

Joe’s brother said that she hadn't been coherent like that for a long time.

Not long after that Spike told her that her daughter had passed away (My huz’s mother) and she stopped eating. It was as if she just gave up.

“I am through seeing this” she said. Sometimes you have just seen enough.

But I have a feeling that there is a joyous reunion with her daughter up there.

Not to mention her husband who was well known for his generosity (he fed the homeless at their house- and the hobos in their town all filled the church house when he passed away.)

I bet she’s serving them all dinner.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I Need to Apologize. And then I need to DANCE!

Today I was at the YMCA. I go swimming there and do water aerobics with some of the sweetest little old ladies a person could ever meet.

When I first went there they took me under their wing and I was grateful, especially as I have been terribly gun shy when it comes to people because of my experiences in my life the last year.(Though with the person I am, it’s hard for people to see how gun shy I really am. I hide it pretty well)
 (I am very spiritual, but now I have a hard time especially with Mormons, or anyone religious who is trying to force their always seems to me now that they are selling something, though I imagine that they are just telling me their truth, I am just very, VERY wary after what happened to me.) Part of my enduring that and the month long interrogation from my bishop is here::

I just haven’t wanted to let people in.

We do our Aerobics class, and then most of us sit in the hot tub there and talk.
I confided in some of these women, and little by little have started to trust them with my story.

At least two of these women are Mormon.

Despite my story and what I told them, they have still treated me with respect, and I am really growing to love these women. 

Last week they had a white elephant gift party, and I think it was the most comfortable party I’ve ever been to. 

People are just comfortable with who they are and religion and politics just fall by the wayside. We are just people who in my mind enjoy each other’s company…(You should see them in the pool… it’s like a greeting party in the water… with over 30 women.)

Today I was talking to one of the Mormon ladies about some things I’ve been through and she said “you know, we Mormons aren't all bad” and I thought (and said) well, no they aren't, I like you just fine J
And I thought, and am admitting here, that I have talked about my experiences, and have been so deeply hurt that it MAY look like I hate Mormons.

I don’t. (So I apologize if anyone thought I did.)

I just hate the way women are treated and I hope because of my writing, and many other women who are standing up to the abuse writing, will change this horrible treatment of women.

I have had some of the most powerful experiences and learned from Mormons…(though I do not consider myself a Mormon anymore)

It is apparent to me now that things I was taught by some of these people was deeply, HORRIBLY flawed, because of the way Mormon women are put into a box, where they are supposed to STAY. (And I concur, there are women of other religions who that happens too, not just Mormons)

With that said, I have decided I would think through my life and see who I came up with who was Mormon who helped me, though in NO way does what people did to help reflect on if they are Mormon or not Christian, Buddhist, Catholic (I know I’m missing some here) whatever, there is good in every religion and good in all people. Sometimes I just need to remind myself.

So here is my list…

My best friend from high school (who used to be Mormon- who smartly enough left before I did) who moved in kitty corner from my house. At the time I had NO ONE. When I would be at my lowest I would run to her house, pound on her window downstairs, and stay over there after the worst beatings from my father. She was the first person who made it ok to be me. (And we still visit each other :)) I honestly believe that one of the reasons I made it out of there alive was her.

A young woman’s president who was always there for me as a teen (Though I never told her of my beatings)

A neighbor who called the cops of my father when I was being beaten many, MANY times (If you are curious about that, go to the beginning of my blog, and start reading… I am working on a book called “unbreakable” about my life and how I survived the abuse)

The Home and Family professor who worked at a Mormon College that helped me to realize through one of his lessons that if I didn't have help as someone who was abused, that I might end up being an abuser…after class I went up to talk to him about it and burst into tears… and he sent me to the counselor below.

The counselor at that same Mormon College who was there to tell me that my father’s beatings were not my fault. (She was also the one who tried to get me to prosecute my father for attempted murder. I wish I would have. I would have saved endless suffering of many others my father has hurt) I can’t even imagine how many hours she spent driving from where she was to where I was. She is an amazing woman)

A couple of women from my old ward.

Both have been respectful and decent to me who were in my old ward where I was hurt so badly. Both have messaged me at times with honest thoughts or things they were thinking and told me, and one came to my door.  I don’t even know how many times when she did it, ( I may not have answered the door, and still wouldn't just because I’m uncomfortable talking about it, I feel better at writing out my feelings)  but I appreciated her for that. Just glad the doorbell has stopped ringing. HAHA.

So there’s the list.(So far) I may add to it as I remember more, but as I say this I am thinking, there are SO many people who have helped shape me into the person I am.

Many who are also NOT Mormon.

They have helped me look closer, dance (Thank you my Nia tribe:(I am working into being a Nia teacher...if your curious about what it is, it is here:

Especially thank you Susan and Sarah for your presence and especially your letting me be me at the party last week: I can’t believe I felt comfortable enough to actually DANCE to “I Hope You Dance” expressing myself at a party in a way I NEVER was comfortable:  to just break out and dance like that! That is LIVING!) to celebrate who I really am. Ahhhhhhhhhh. J

I am so, SO  grateful to the many, MANY good people who have brought me to where I am today.


(My favorite word, by the way- The light in me bows to the light in you)

Friday, December 12, 2014

The Definition Of Insanity

The definition of insanity..."Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result" Mark Twain (Or Einstein, or some chick according to this article:p
You'd think I would have learned this after my ordeal with the church and people parroting the same tired things to me from the church when they see me. 

Today I saw a lady I barely knew from church, and of course she said "How ARE you? I haven't seen you in such a LONG time!~ So, I gave her the card to my blog, said if your curious about why you haven't seen me, its in my blog...I said some things, and she totally didn't  get it. 

She sais "You need to be positive and happy" 

I said This has NOTHING to do with being positive or negative, it is about what they did to me. (That is here if you are curious:

And I AM happy. 

EVERY time I see a member who knew me from church they say in such a strange way "How are you" and it feels like somebody has died, like I'm at my own funeral or something... 

Then she said "BUT you NEED TO BE HAPPY!

Oh...face palm!!!

It is so arrogant to me that someone may think they are better off than me and happier just BECAUSE they are Mormon.

As if they have the patent on happiness.

I don't think so!!

I need to say hello if I have to and freaking MOVE AWAY FROM THE

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Dream...FINALLY after years of agonizing over it: an ANSWER to the question in that dream

I said that Anita Moorjani answered a very BIG question that I have had for years: that I would save that for another day in another blog...Well, that day is here...

I had a dream.

It was so vivid.

I was an African American woman, running for her life. I had NO doubt in my mind, I was HER.

I remember running around this building trying to hide from a man. It was SO real.
I ran out of the building, hiding ANYWHERE, so this man couldn’t find me.  And he was CLOSE. At one point he was so close I could feel his breath on my skin, he was so close. The feeling I had was despair, and it was terrifying. Then I was running across a bridge for all I was worth:   I felt his hand grasping, digging into my shoulder… and I woke up. 

I can see it in my mind even as I talk about it.

I woke up in a sweat, still gasping for air because I had been running so hard in the dream. And I wondered, was I REALLY her?

I couldn’t quite get my head around it.

I have thought about it year after year, and came up with nothing as the answer.

I wondered, even though I had been told (In the Mormon church) there is no such thing as reincarnation, I wondered. There was NO doubt in my mind. I was HER. So what WAS that??

Then came my trial of faith (trial of faith is right! UG! And  that is here if your curious... But I have never lost faith. Life has taught me over and over when I start to lose hope, something bigger than me always leads me in the direction I need to go and drags me up by my bootstraps, sometimes kicking and screaming because usually, at the time, frankly, I am PISSED OFF. (Or just so sad it is just too hard to convey to anyone and I fall deeper and deeper into (I’ll be honest here) a never ending pity party that no one else but me sees :P )
BUT…It never fails. It always happens. Something bigger than me always intervenes. There is ALWAYS hope.

This time what changed everything- including my outlook was a convention (an “I can do it” convention which I have spoken of before here:

In that conference, Anita Moorjani told of her Near Death Experience (You can read about that above) and because I had an NDE myself I was intrigued, so I bought her C.D.

The things she learned while she had that NDE were mind blowing to me (again, you can read that above)
And just when I thought I had heard it all Anita talked about  how when she was ill, lying in her hospital bed, and had passed away, how she had known her husband was there, and her mother was there but suddenly, she FELT what her husband felt: that aching to be with her: and EXACTLY what her mother felt.  Suddenly she WAS them.  She WAS their feelings. She WAS them. 
And she realized; and I realize; we are divinely, beautifully, incredibly and I would say intrinsically connected. THAT is what I felt when I had that dream.

When I had that near death experience, the feeling I had feeling “held by love” what I attribute to God, I felt connected to everything.

I once read a woman’s book (Embraced By The Light) where she talks about her Near death experience, and how suddenly how she was in a field of beautiful roses of color that would defy description.

One rose caught her attention and she was lost in it. Suddenly she WAS that rose. All the roses in that field were actually SINGING praising the maker of it all (Ok, I know this sounds like a drug induced dream but just stay with me here;p) she could feel everything that rose could because she was that rose.

And here I am, as usual led to this information, just at the right time, when I was ready for it.

When my mind was finally open to it.

That is where it all comes full circle, and I understand. In my limited way, I understand.

I don’t know if that means there is reincarnation or not, (as I had wondered) but I think it’s beautiful.

WE ARE ALL CONNECTED. That is the answer.

When we hear of disasters, when we see someone in pain, that feeling we all get, that wanting to help, that feeling of wanting to do something, in my mind that is a big part of this connectedness.

When we hear stories of great triumph, stories of the beautiful indomitable human spirit: THAT makes our heart SING, get a lump in our throat, chills, and be glad and learn and believe again that the world is a good place.  It is beautiful to me. This connectedness is of great design and a beautiful tribute to the creator of it all. (Whoever that may be, or whatever that may be. J)

If we could all stop focusing on ourselves (Ok, now I feel like a hypocrite because well, let’s face it, EVERYONE does this:p) and If we as the world can someday LEARN to focus on the connectedness of us all instead of our differences, instead of  being too busy trying to force our truth down each other’s throats (Which has started MANY a war) maybe, just maybe, there will be peace. Because in my mind there are two things people want most in life. Validation and Love. Neither one can live without the other. Period.