Sunday, April 24, 2011

Shot To The Butt,Or... Who I Am In A

When I was about 5, I went to the doctor to get my first round of shots. (That I know about)

My mother brought me.

I remember the doctors name was Dr. Gold.

I was terrified as he got the shot ready. I could see him doing it.

He told me it wouldn't hurt much at all, and to prove this, he suprised me because  before he really warned me he stuck the shot directly into my little exposed butt. I didn't feel a thing. I looked back and could see the needle, but I couldn't feel anything. Somehow the needle had seperated from  the rest of the shot and there it was, sticking out of my tush like a porcupine quill but  the medicine still wasn't getting where it needed to go. He'd tried to do it the easy way, but the medicine just wasn't getting there.

So he had to do it AGAIN.

It hadn't hurt the first time, so I hoped it would'nt hurt the second time around. I squirmed, but stayed right there, vulnerable as I was on the examination table with my little exposed tush  in the open air. He told me it wouldn't hurt. But the second time around , it did. Holy CRAP. My tush was on FIRE! But the medicine, hard as it was to "swallow" (Or in my case, get poked in the tush to make it go where it needed to to keep me from getting ill, as was in my case.) He needed to be thorough.

So this is where I'M at.

I need to be thorough. In order to understand myself, and understand the family dynamic, I need to look at who I am. Be as honest as I can be about who I am. Spill my guts, pay the piper, Spill the beans, cut the cheese...ok, now I'm getting silly here...but you get the idea.

And I have NO idea where to start.

This is treading on dangerous ground, At least in my own mind,because I'm afraid some idiot may try to take advantage of me for baring my soul.. 

The feeling that someone or a lot of people may misunderstand me and judge me for it is terrifying. But so be it. I am trying to be honest about who I am, how I am, and the why, but sometimes its not that simple.

I am a very complex person. I don't let too many people into my world, not for long anyway, and I would rather not, because I don't really trust people, (Its just that I'm scared when it comes to people, people are just unpredictable. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. THAT is what scares me.)

 Even with  all my bravado...and how people see me as spunky,people terrify me. I don't like being around people very much,with good reason. I've been hurt too much. I like singing and writing to express myself, but I've been hurt too many times to to trust or let people in. After living here in Seattle, from the beginning my best frend is, and will forever be  someone who is older than me by over 30 years, and she is like my surrogate mother. I have found that the normally the older a person is the wiser they are.  The less judgemental they are. The more REAL they are.(It isn't always the case of course as people also can get stuck in their ways, especially if they are abusive people.)

From the outside I look like a very happy go lucky person. People at church see me smiling, see how "bubbly" I am and some of those people may even assume that I am flighty, (Which honestly, just pisses me off because some of those who have shown that they thought that, have assumed they can walk all over me and its not ok. And believe me, I am NOT afraid to speak up.

Just last week someone tried to shush me and as this guy who had shushed me was sitting there looking at me with a smile on his face all proud of himself, I hit him with both barrels.He got an earful. That old "no one will EVER shut me up again" side of me pops up and I just can't stiffle it. It has a VERY strong pull. Telling me that I will never be silent again. Never be told to sit down and shut up. EVER AGAIN.

Just because I'm smiling and am friendly doesn't mean I don't have feelings.. . Theres a lot more layers to me and I go a lot deeper than some incredibly shallow people I've sometimes had to deal with.. I stay away from  those kind of people like the plague. The thing is, sometimes you don't know who those people are until they've shown they're true colors, or have told other people their version of who you are when they really don't have a clue.

I've tried to trust people. Some who have NO idea about my life and yet  somehow think they know better about my life and what I should do have decided that they are my judge and jury. One specific woman from my church who I've shared some things with actually decided that I am a negative person. I know that I am NOT! I only saw that woman a handful of times, and she decides she knows me. And spread this rumor about me being a negative person  in the church bathroom. I found out she had been doing this from the one woman who had my back who wasn't afraid to tell me what venom this woman was spreading...Well, she isn't my  ultimate judge. I don't have to associate with emotionally constipated people..(My sister Avas word)

People tend to see other people as one dementional, and that is TOTALLY not what I am. I don't know if anyone  really is.

Ok... before I get knee deep into my mothers is  the top numberless #s of what makes me who I am... My huz and I sat down to work this one out...

Sometimes I'm surprised at how well he knows me. Sometimes I'm suprised at how much he doesn't know me, as some of the things I said here surprised even him..

SO here goes...

I'll start up a conversation with comeplete strangers at a theatre or anywhere I am.

My husband is mystified that I do this.

I pretty much do it anywhere, anytime I feel like it.

I  had a whole movie theatre singing Happy birthday to a friend one time.
I wake up at 3 am to clean on Thursday because I want my WEEKEND damn it!

Any time I feel someone is being singled out unfairly my first inclination is to defend them.

I will defend the underdog for the same reason as above

I have a set of deep rooted principles

Don't tread on me

Don't tread on my friends

Don't try to control me

Don't belittle me

I hate blonde jokes and any time that somebody asks me if I want to hear one  I say no.

I HATE labels

I hate being shushed. It doesn't work at all. In fact, I'll probobly get louder. It all goes back to don't try to control me.

I lose respect for people who shush peope, I think their controlling.

I lose ALL respect for people that blow me off

I HATE people that act like somehow they are above everyone else and try to belittle others to make themselves feel better about themselves

I can't handle cigarette smoke around me, I have asthma and if your smoking , I may have an asthma attack. I usually ask people who are around me who decideto light up right in front of me if they could go somewhere off to smoke. I'm not trying to be rude, I just want to be able to breathe!

I should be a I dye my own hair that color. And blonde, with black tips. It takes FOREVER to do:p

I dye my hair because I want to dye my hair, I like being an artist.

I don't care if I fit in. Fitting in means conforming and I want to be who I am, not what people TELL me to be.

I am very passionate about music and am a singer, songwriter.

Now I have a passion for writing I never knew I had before.

I was told in high school english that I was a good writer

I had a great math teacher in jr High named Mrs McPheters- she taught me to love math, for about a minute.She taught the pie equasion and I actually thought she meant we were going to eat first:p

I have an inate fear of math now because of a bad high school teacher. (Which I will go into later)

My dad would yell at me when I got math problems wrong, made me even more terrified of math

I have an inate fear of tests- test anxiety

I hate competition

I REALLY Hate  competition- I would rather back off than compete. Too much backbiting, and ridiculous behaviour.

I HATE unfairness, I am all about fairness

I voice my opinion, especially when I think things are unfair.

I hate checking my spelling. I really don't care what I spell like,
hey as long as you understand what I'm typing I really don't care.

I think people who focus on peoples spelling are...anal and argumentative.

I don't like anal people.:p I generally tend to burn bridges with them.

I  sometimes offend the prude (at least some anyway...:p)

My father told me my heart is on the outside.That may be the only things my dad was right about.

There isn't much thought between my thoughts and when I say it. It just comes out.

The poem "Invictis" and "Don't Quit" are on my walls in a few different places. THEY are what I ascribe to being.

I learned to walk late....or so my parents thought. Finally when I was in a room where there weren't chairs,I took off walking. I had known all along, was just a little lazy.

I was a late bloomer.

I was  a homely child

I walked into school my Jr year in high school and no one recognized me, One guy even tried to ask me out ...

I discovered make up. Probobly why boys started paying attention to

 I had no idea why guys liked  me. Why a lot of guys liked me

I read VERY fast. I was always a few chapters ahead of the class in school. My whole family is like this. My daughter included.

My house is covered in religious pictures

I decorate a big tree by my door with lights all year round.

I have white lights on my house all year long with ornaments for EVERY holiday.

My favorite holiday is Christmas

I love  Easter because there are bunnies in the stores EVERYWHERE

I love cats (My cat follows me EVERYWHERE.)

Don't like dogs NEARLY as much

I love funky clothes .

I put my clothes out the day before so I won't have think about it the next day

I love funky shoes. But they have to be Heid approved (cool:p)

In order for Joe to shop for Christmas, I have a list. I have him do the same...:) That way I don't have to return anyting, and either does he.:)

When I write songs, the words and melodies both come together, the hardest part is the instrumentals

I LOVE to sing.

I was once the lead singer and wrote the words and melodies to the songs in a band called Mirrorstone

I love connecting with a crowd when I'm gigging.

Sang my first solo at 9.

I do all my food shopping every 2 weeks on payday EARLY morning, just to get it out of the way so I can have the weekend

I'm intrueged by the paranormal- I can't go too much into it, the things I've seen, scary things, sometimes comforting things

I voted for change but it never came, just got worse

I don't think we've had an honest politition since Abraham Lincoln

my huz and I pay each month for those in Darfur through my church, and I try to keep up on whats going on over there

I hate men that lie

I hate men that look me up and down (Even wrote a song about it)

Don't piss me off or I'll write a song about you.:p lol

I don't want to be forgotten

I loved to ski, I like the freedom of the wind blowing through my hair

I love Cannon Beach, Oregon

Leavenworth Washington

Love shopping at the little shops there.

I don't like being shoved in a corner and told to shut up.It doesnt work.

I don't like being shoved in a box.

I don't like people trying to control me in any way...I have a sign on my car t hat sais "control yourself, not me

I have a licence plate holder that sais "speak your mind, even if your voice shakes"

I like scarves and hats

I really take pride in what I wear.

I have bunnies and fairies everywhere in my house.

I'm stubborn

I speak my mind

I'm determined

I'm VERY Persistant...sometimes EXTREMELY to a fault.

If I'm really angry I've been known to swear like a sailor.

I've tried to curb the behaviour but it hasn't been easy

I occasionally flip someone off when I'm angry.

When I said I was giving abuse the finger I wasn't kidding (Ok...maybe it was my tongue in cheek kind of literal way of made me giggle anyway.)

I HATE it when people don't use their turn signal.

My husband sais that I'm an agressive driver

Its only because he drives too slow ... Especially when hes talking. lol

My husband has always known that he can tell me what he thinks but he knows Ill do what I want anyway

He knows and never held me down...Or he has learned he can't:p

I don't like to say I'm sorry, although I've gotten better at it over the years.

Ok...this one line stuff is really hard:p I may sneak in a three liner or more. I'm such a

I don't like admitting I'm wrong. On the rare occasion that I'm wrong (haha) I've told him that there are times that I may agree wth him, but I may not tell him, at least not right away.

I have gone to twelve step al anon or ACOA (Adult childrenof alcoholics) groups off and on since I was 19. All on my own...both of those groups are for people who have dealt with addicted parents, spouses ect. Mine is to deal with my father being a dry drunk, a ragaholic.

I don't drink alcohol, I never have (Unless you count when I was three..For those of you who haven';t read my blog before...go back a little bit on my blogs to "The Three Year Old Drunk". You'll hear more about the real why later...)

My sisters said what my parents wanted to hear-they rebeled by drinking and other ways- My parents actually told me to be more like Lillian. I didn't WANT to be like Lillian. Lilian was drinking, so was my sisters. I told them but my parents didn't believe me. I told them when I thought they were being unfair. When my father beat me, I swore at him because I knew he would do it anyway. It was my way of saying, you can beat me, but you can't break me. I hate to say this word here, but  it was my literal f%^k you dad, YOU can't tell me who I am..

My sisters had theri survival tactics, I had my survival tactics.

But I feel totally fine the was I am, I don't need to be changed. Let me restate this to be clear.
I'm fine the way I am...whatever lessons I need to learn I will learn on my own, thank you.

I DON'T need to be fixed.

How bout this one liner...


People tend to focus on others, not where the focus needs to be, on themselves. You CAN'T FIX ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF. You can't control anybody else other than yourself and you would be fooling yourself  if you think otherwise.

As to life as it is for me now...

I have found a place where it is ok to be me.

I feel like I am FINALLY home.

Thank God. (REALLY!)

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