Thursday, April 7, 2011

Better To Be Alone Then In Bad Company. So Does That Make Me An All American Reject?

My Jr high school year and my 1st year of high school I hung out with the same crowd. The girls who were the rejects of sorts. Frizzy hair, (Lina) girl who walked with her head down (Jonna), Laura (The most normal of us all, with a great smile) and the reddest haired pear shaped monstrosity of us all. Her name escapes me for some reason, she was so horrifying.  SHE was the "Queen bee". The tormentor of our souls. The wicked witch of the west.

NO one dared oppose her. We were all tortured by her, and to be on her good side all one needed to do was to play her horrible, nasty games on whoever she felt the urge that day to torment. I dare say we were probobly all from abusive homes, yet no one spoke of it. (Years later Lina and I got together and both of us had the SAME question. WHY did we let her bully us and not do a thing about it?)

"Go grab Jonnas purse!" was her favorite ploy...and we would somehow get poor Jonnas purse, AGAIN, and Jonna would run off, looking like a frightened dog, poor thing, walking as fast as possible, head down, shoulders hunched, down the halls with a nervous sideways glance like she was afraid someone would kick her. In fact, every once in a while, someone would trip her, she was such a nervous little thing. While she ran off we would hide her purse and who knows how long or how entertained TRHPSM (The red haired pear shaped monstrosity) would be by this, but for some reason that wicked, WICKED girl thought it was HILARIOUS.

The only thing my old "friends" ever did was drag each other so low it was a wonder any of us could drag ourselves up off the floor where TRHPSM would karate chop us into submission any time we got the kahonies to do our own thing.

The beast from the lower depths of HELL (TRHPSM:p) even dared to come to my birthday party. "Is this where she (Speaking of me) TRIES to make herself beautiful?" she said, looking at my make up bureau, her yellow teeth stretching over her sneering little mouth in a strange little grin. "She still is SOOOOOOOO UGLY!" Then, I couldn't believe it...she said "Cmon, lets go"! to the people who I THOUGHT were my friends and left to go do something else, leaving me, my house and myself ALONE on my birthday.SO much for friendship, at least from them.

I hung around them for a while, trying desperately to hang onto my self esteme, but not very successfully.
Finally, something snapped in me one day, and I told them that I wouldn't be hanging around them anymore.

Suddenly, I was alone. Utterly and gut wrenchingly ALONE.

I walked the halls of the High School by myself. No one to talk to, no one to sit with, no one to tell my problems and my sucesses to, but I would rather be alone than in bad company.

I told myself "Some day I'd have a good friend." I prayed and prayed for someone who I could confide in. But then I decided, if that good friend wouldn't find me, I would go find them, at least to the best of my ability. At least for the time being I would hang around people who I could feel good around and not cringe in anticipation, wondering when the shoe would fall and wondering when I would get kicked.

I started going around to the different tables at lunch time. Hanging out with different people at lunch. They seemed to be ok with it, so I kept doing it. I found some form of a sense of  belonging, even if I was the "floater".

But I felt like I was in limbo somehow. Like there was something better coming, and I just needed to be patient and wait for it until it came. At least I kept HOPING thats what would happen.

I would go from table to table different days, and met one girl who told me experiences she had with a Weegie board, how it totally freaked her she woke up one night to things floating in her room (I had to wonder if it was a dream) and another guy I hung around with was an especially sweet guy. So many guys in the school teased him saying he was gay, but they didn't use a nice word.

Later  it was said that he got caught at a place by a schoolmate making out with another guy.(Or was it just a rumor, its hard to tell the difference between truth and lies in a high school like mine.) He was treated even worse after that. I felt for him, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't do much about it. If I could now I would shout from the rooftops "HEY! I DON'T CARE! Hes just as good as any of you. Maybe even better because hes REAL. Hes my FRIEND".

I still felt in limbo.

Little did I know, that SOON...I would be handed a "Get out of jail free" card. I would find my best friend.


  1. That was great ! I can sooooo relate to much of this and what you were going through! Kudos.

  2. Thanks doll...people can be so cruel. Glad to be outs there...not just the school...but the town.pretty small minded place