Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Life in the shark tank. Lauren, Marissa, Ava, and Lillian

Lauren, Marissa, Ava and Lillian were inseperable when I was growing up.

Lauren and Marissa were a team.

When Marissa was little Lauren took great pains to keep her happy.

But for the rest of us (mostly me) whatever Lauren said. her own mind anyway. NO questions. If you did ask questions, you'd end up with a bloody lip, or when you tried to go out the back door to escape her wrath, her hands around your throat.

(I have to admit, there were times I fought ferociously. But only when I felt threatened,or forced into doing something which was a LOT. Most times I tried to run away, even running out the door one time in my pajamas and getting some strange looks from  the neighbors. :p There were times I was seriously scared for my life, not just because of  Lauren, but because of my father.He and my mother found ways to make my sisters and I hate each other, pitting all of us against each other so we would keep the family secret. I'll talk more about that later. Needless to say,we all learned to be his little subjects, and no one was safe.)

When it came to Marissa, she was the apple of my parents eye. As she grew up she learned to mold herself into what everybody wanted. At least thats what I saw. But how can you be that many things to everyone? Sooner or later you start to lose yourself, or forget who you were in the first place. Or forget what you told one person or another and your stories start to get mixed up and blend together. She had problems in all sorts of ways. My mother was always covering for her.. Marissa would always say to me when I saw her years later "We HAVE to get together some time". in this phony little voice that would drive me out of my mind. I didn't WANT to hang around somebody phoney, I had done it enough at home and I SWORE I would never be around those kind of people again. I didn't need her to be anything but real. Which was anything BUT anyone in my screwed up family could be, at least as far as I saw.

My personality and tendency towards turrets (HAHA)just never FIT in that lopsided crazy cookie cutter way that my family was put together. I don't think it ever would. But I have learned to be ok with that.

So...going on...

Then there was Ava and Lillian. They were always together. Lillian ADORED Ava. Anything Ava did got a glowing stamp of approval from Lillian. (Still does, though I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of Avas achievements too.) But not me. No kind of approval in the 17 years I lived there, or afterwords. I never know what Lillian means when that "uh huh" comes out of her mouth. I can't tell whether shes mocking me, talking behind my back or whether shes sincere. If she ever read my blogs, I may never know it, though anything Ava does Lillian publishes and she would shout from the rooftops. When I said I was going to write pretty much the first thing she said was "You can do the same thing in other ways". Which pretty much brought out the "No one in your family thinks you can do anything right" monster out of the closet for me, once again. (roar...puff puff:p) Maybe shes worried about the "secrets" Ill bring up.

Can you imagine what that does to a kid just trying to figure out their place in the world?

This is only my view of the world as it was back then, I'm sure my family might see it differently, but as I said, I wasn't really a part of their world. I KNOW what was happening to me.  It has been a painful road to look down.

No Approval  from ANYBODY in the family. Might as well hang a sign on my mouth saying "no words necessary, what this person sais isn't of any worth".

(Later on when I got into the real world and I realized people actually were listening to what I had to say, it TERRIFIED ME. My brain would go BLANK. I couldn't concentrate. Then I realized, what I have to say has WORTH. I promised myself from then on NO ONE would EVER shut me up again.Ok, back to the story, my turrets speaking again:P )

If I did speak up, I would get interupted,(Funny how quickly the interupting would start any time I said anything)  shushed or shoved into the corner by somebody (Most often, my dad.)
I even remember him once smuggly standing behind  my sisters in the kitchen (I can see it now as I'm typing this) egging my sisters on as they cut me down. It was almost like he ENJOYED it.
What kind of father DOES that???

Worst of all I would get "The look"...

They would look down their noses at me with a look that said "Your not good enough. You'll NEVER be.You don't belong".  I was the outcast. I had no one.

 (I was known later on in high school to my friends Julie and Ava S. as life of the party, the funny girl, but NOT at home, I wasn't ALLOWED. Only Ava. If I said something funny at home they would just stare at me or pretend they didn't hear. Or maybe they really didn't.  So I would repeat myself, I wanted SO desperately to be accepted, but I should have known better, Only Ava was allowed to be funny. She was the annointed one, the princess. (I found out later she wasn't the princess to everyone, my mom treated her horribly. I was in such agony that I didn't notice.)

Might as well roll over and play dead, no one would notice.

I remember one time coming home from school and bawling, I had been teased, tripped by one of the boys,(this same guy would mercilessly tease and trip/kick/drop kick  me all through Jr high) who had tripped me going down the steepest stairs in the school. I hadn't seen it coming, and I went flying, books everywhere, like a little human cyclone. Its lucky no one was in my way because the way I was going I would have taken them out too! I hit the bottom stair and bounced extra hard . (Oh..THAT was gonna leave a mark!) I tried to gather what little dignity I had left as that horrible boy smuggly walked past as I picked up all my papers and books. I went home that day, more dejected than ever, with my bruised knees feeling so out of place and alone in the world, only to go home to feel just the same way.

We had a couple of dogs,who I begged to come over and sit with me. I remember that day, for some reason, even they walked away. I felt SO unloveable, I remember thinking "Even the dogs can't stand me".

How low is that?

Most of the time,when I spoke, I spoke haltingly, but as fast as I could,like I was trying to feel my way into a converstion with as many words as I could before someone interupted and shut me down. I totally immersed myself into it.

In my  parents house, I would be immersing myself into a shark tank any time I spoke up. At times I would finally have enough of the B.S. from my father and the side of me that was NOT this little mouse they tried to make me be would come out. THATS when I would be beaten up. Thats when, heaven forbid, I would eat after 10 BECAUSE I WAS HUNGRY. Damn the consequenses.

I had to have some kind of control over my own life. But that was always when I found I didn't have any. I was squashed like a bug under my fathers foot. Over and over and OVER again.

I would be tested to the limit. And even I didn't realize how strong I really was.


  1. There were some bad dynamics going on in that house. When you were talking about your father, I know what look you meant. And I believe that he really WAS egging on the persecution, one for another. I do think he enjoyed it when the girls picked on each other, depending on who it was, and whether or not they were a favorite.

    Also, there was something seriously wrong with that junior high and high school, the way they allowed those mean boys to pick on girls. On what planet would that be all right, if rational-thinking adults were present? Unbelievable what you went through there.

  2. Heh..I got those boys back later...especially THAT particular boy. PAYBACK!:p As to dad,yeah, it was pretty twisted. I never knew when the shoe was going to fall and I was gonna get drop kicked. I definately was the least favorite! I'm so glad you found a good family with a mom who accepted you.I loved reading about that in "The Girl Cave".

  3. This story covers a lot. As a quick 'off-the-cuff' response I would like to add that your Dad sounds that he invited the sibling competition not only for attention, but to see which one of you would cut it as a mold of himself.

  4. Yeah, that makes sense...One of my sisters actually did.

  5. In a way its interesting because the response seemed to be, at least in my eyes...lets give dad what he wants.I was the opposite. I let him know when I thought he ws doing the opposite of what was right for ANY of us.

  6. At least thats what I remembered. If I didn't I wish I had.