Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Letter To My Mother

A few days after I got my mothers "Pandoras box", http://songsofaletheia.blogspot.com/2013/03/mom-pandoras-box-and-emdr-on-my-father.html (Story about it to the left...Pandoras box...as I call it- if your curious about the story) I went to someone who is very healing, even in the state I was in. My counselor calls what happens to me "going into a spiral" when I get things like cards or boxes from my mother. It brings back BAD memories. Sometimes it takes a while for me to get out of spiral mode, BUT unlike before counseling, I get out of that spiral BECAUSE I realize now that I am in the middle of a spiral. Before I had no idea what was happening to me. I just knew I was in a seriously pissed off mood.
In a sad, depressed state. Thats where it puts me. But I'm NOT stuck there anymore.
Part of what has helped me heal is Cranial Sacral work. I feel I was led to it, like so many other things in my life.
I was introduced to it by a very intuitive woman who has surprised me on more than one occasion how in tune she is to what my mind and body is going through.
One time I was on the table where she was working on my body and as I was thinking "heal" she said "I feel prompted to tell you that now is the time to heal". just as the thought had crossed my mind.(With Cranial Sacral, think Chiropractor, without the cracking and popping being forced. WIth THIS stuff, your body just does it on its own- I have gasped in surprise when she's been working on an entirely different area and all on its own, my body all of a sudden, "POPS" in a totally different area! She might be working on my shoulder, and my knee pops...surprises me every time. I have learned that the body knows best, and knows exactly what it needs, and it doesn't need to be forced.  All that "No pain no gain" stuff is just crap if you ask me.)  
My counselor has highly recommended Cranial Sacral therapy.
This time when I went to the Cranial Sacral therapist, and told her what was going on, she said "Maybe your mother needs to understand WHY you don't see her". And she suggested me writing a letter to my mother explaining why I chose to not see her, and whether I sent it to her or not, at least I would have written it out.
So I went home, and for the first time in over 15 years, I poured out all my feelings on paper about her.
You wonder why I don't have contact. Here is why.
 I don't even know what to think of you.
 You violated my trust so many times that I didn't even know what trust meant.
 You aren't safe.
 I'm not safe trusting you.
 I have choices now, and I choose to keep chaos out of my life. That means keeping you out of my life.
 When you involved complete strangers who lived at my old address with a "Current resident"  letter to them, (Blog explaining the current res letter up above) you were carrying on the craziness to them. People who have no clue, but who now know the WHOLE truth because I went to see them, told them the ENTIRE story, and they gave me the "current resident" letter along with the pictures, which I burned.
 I don't think you know anything else other than chaos, and where there isn't any, you create it.
 You have lived in chaos for so long, and have been so used to having to be deceptive, having not lived in a normal, healthy relationship that I don't think you know what one is.
 Everything is crazy making, gossiping (Even about your own children- Even when we were at home you would pit us against each other so we would come to you)  underneath it is just NOT NORMAL.
 Having you in my life just wouldn't be wise. Period.
  My life is peaceful. I don't think you know what peace is.
 I think when you start stirring things up, it’s because you really, truly don't know what a peaceful life is,
 It’s too uncomfortable if there’s not chaos in your life so you create it.
 That is the LAST thing I need in my life.
 I really am happy and feel I am figuring things out.
 If you can't handle leaving me alone, or your husband, I will blow the lid wide open on on WHO and what he really is. And believe me, I won't be alone.
 I love you Mom. Just so you know. BUT I won't EVER be controlled again.
Someday, if he is gone, I mean really, truly GONE, (If he passes before you) I MIGHT consider seeing you one last time. 
It will just be me and you, or else I won't be there. And it won't be with me telling you any details of my life. I don't want you to be a part of my life or know what goes on around me; you've used too many people gossiping about everyone and everything around you, MY life is my life. Period. It will be MY choice if it happens. No amount of being told “I'm old" or this or that has any effect on MY decision. The only thing those words make me do is roll my eyes. Guilt trips may have worked back then but not anymore.
 If you or he try to force your way with this, it will NEVER happen.
 So leave it alone.
After I wrote it, it was the strangest feeling. A feeling of release. Everything I felt that week, all the old baggage that had come rushing back when I got that package, was GONE. And in its place was a calmness. Whether my mother got the letter or not, I felt a strange sense of closure.
It felt like I was closing a book.  And whats written in that book, Well, thats MY choice.

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