Monday, December 3, 2012

The Miracle Worker

I am absolutely floored to find out what a GOOD counselor can do.

That the healing it involves can change you, mentally AND physically. I had NO idea how much.

When I moved from my old stomping grounds in the Seattle area to our new house, I knew that my house here had been one of those "God" things. Where you know, the minute you see it, that it’s destined to be your house and you look up at the sky saying, "REALLY"? This beautiful house?? THIS is for me?

God is too kind. He always has been.

Even when I didn’t see it.

I had no idea that God was leading me, mercifully, thankfully, to this amazing, gentle soul of a woman who has already, in this short time, completely changed my life.

What a glaring difference from the woman who was my "mother" (So called) who told us (Taken from my sister Ava’s book "Other People's Messes- This amazing book is on Amazon, by the way) ) That we should "Never go into counseling. They're all crazy and they never make any money".

I had thought that there was no way I could go get counseling. Not with the new house, all the expenses and everything else that comes with being a new home owner. BUT I had counseling a while back, and I thought I had some money coming back from insurance, so I called the insurance company to try to get the money. It was around $200 or so, I had paid out of my own pocket and they STILL hadn’t paid me back.

The woman I talked to told me that unless I called the counselor and got proof that she faxed all the info was there from payment, I wouldn’t get anything. So I called my old counselors office, and they got the ball rolling.

Just as I was about to hang up, I had a thought.

I said

“Do you have the names of the EMDR counselors in the area”? (If you don't know what it is, look it up...amazing therapy)

She said she’d get back to me, and I got a message, giving me the good counselors in the area.

Sooooo…I called the insurance company, AGAIN, said everything was going to them. And then I asked about the counselors, saying I probably couldn’t go because we were still paying for the house and couldn’t afford it. She looked them up and then said “You know, one of these counselors is paid by your insurance 80 percent”. I had heard at most, 60% was paid for. This could be do-able!  After all the nightmares, all the, “I wonder why’s”, all the questions that seemingly had no answers over the years I had the chance to go to counseling. But I was apprehensive.  Scared even. And yet something told me I would be ok.

The day I walked up to her office door by her home, I was terrified. Would she believe me? Would it just be another person who had no clue and discounted everything that I felt?

As the weeks went by, Things started to come together, like the answers that I had been waiting for were falling into place. I can’t say I wasn’t still scared, I was TERRIFIED.

There was a time when I first started going to her that she asked me about my sister Lauren, who had been the second most violent to me while I was growing up, and she asked me if it had been the regular kind of tussles that siblings go through.

I froze, and suddenly, I felt like that scared little kid at home that  had tripped all over her words;  like I was outside myself banging on the door to my brain, but no one was there…:p It was paralyzing.

That day when I went home, I had an idea;  to bring my blogs, and the part of my sisters book that talked about my father stalking her, and the court case that ensued, and tell her, through my blogs, and my sister’s court case what kind of monster my father really was. Suddenly, as I was reading, I could focus.

I wasn’t scared anymore. I let the words do the work for me.

My sister’s words were easier for me to read than my own.  Which got me to the point where I finally COULD read my “Unbreakable”  book that I’m working on to her without falling apart.

As I was reading my sisters account on the court case with my father, it seemed something started to click. With her and with me.  It felt that she was really starting to understand how mentally ill my father is. The one thing she had to say about my father and the crazy things he was saying in the court case with my sister was. ... with a fire in her eyes she said;

“Your father has NO idea how sick he really is”.


This is a woman, who listened to my blogs and even listened to my blog about spiders.:p (Some of you have read that blog This is what my counselor calls my "Random Abstract" personality moment...more like moments ha)  comes in:p) on the very same day that I saw her take a spider (that had decided to crawl right towards me, of course ) on a piece of paper and in her gentle way, gingerly, kindly, took it outside like it was a china doll (Ok, an 8 legged china doll…lol)) and let it go. Then she taught me some techniques that really work for fear. So any time I see a spider, I do these techniques and the fear goes away. (Here is the book for the techniques if your really works. Shes been doing this with people for years. )

Hey, maybe someday I’ll be able to do what SHE did with a spider.

One session  I told her that pretty much every night, I woke up gasping for air because my airways kept closing up during the night. I literally could not breathe, and waking up that way thinking I might die was horrifying. It would happen even when I was laying on my side. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a night. It was so bad that I would stay awake afterwords for hours, scared that it would happen again. I couldn't go back to sleep. My counselor told me that I probably had sleep apnea and that someday that would not happen anymore. That it happened because I had been choked by my father, that’s WHY it was happening. From THAT day, it started to happen less and less, until now I hardly ever have it happen.

I had an epiphany today. It was so monumental to me that I sat up in bed at 6:30 in the morning and had to go here right away and put the date, time and year. Holy CRAP. It is amazing to me how things come together when your mind is in the right place. (Asleep? lol...hah:p) Today (6:30 December 5th 2012) I realized something that I think is monumental. I think the reason I felt that way when its happened, even though my airways really did close up, is that when my father WAS choking me, I WAS literally dying. When it happened, it was that old "invisible" hands around my throat, that SAME familiar, mind blowing, freeezing in place,terrifying, there's nothing I can do about it feeling, that I'm dying and theres NOTHING I can do. It goes further for me BECAUSE I stopped breathing when my father choked me. (If you haven't read about when that happened, this is one of the first blogs I wrote...THIS is what happened When it does happen now I do what she told me to do…shake my head a few times, and now if it happens, my airways instantly clear up. Isn't that how life is anyway? Sometimes you have to shake yourself to wake yourself up, no matter what is going on in your life. The difference for me is now, that 16 year old  that gave my father the power he didn't deserve, has taken that power AWAY. It is GONE. That sick bastard has no power over me anymore.

I told my counselor that day waking up gasping for air hardly happens anymore. She said  that the REASON it doesn’t happen anymore, is because FINALLY someone is listening to me.

FINALLY Somebody who GETS it.

Someone who has my back.

 I think I’ll call her “The miracle worker”.:)


  1. Great blog, Mom! I'm so glad this counselor is working with you. Sounds like she's doing pretty well. :)

  2. Thanks Whit...Yes, she is amazing!:)