Monday, March 21, 2011

How Do You Know What To Do When You Stop Breathing When Your The One Whose Stopped?

A MySpace blogger, Stever, who just wrote about crushes really got me thinking about when I was a kid...If your on MySpace check her out, (She's in my friends) she not only writes beautifully (If your on MySpacecheck out her blogs) but has really, REALLY cool music.)

Concrete Angel  is a amazing song and is really a parallel to what my life was like as a kid. I got all the old hand me downs my sisters didn't want.

(I had 2 older sisters)

I found years later an old journal I had. Among the ponies and pictures and school girl crushes (Man, I've been thinking about those today thanks to Stevers blog.) I drew there is an entry I'll never forget. I was told in primary at church by a lady to always write happy things in our journals because later on in life, someone would read it. (Actually, my sister just told me that my mom told us to write happy things in our journals,(Maybe SHE was the church lady!:p) all the while keeping a journal on us kids. My dad actually keeping a file on us, to zing us with something from it on a birthday card or judgemental letter(His favorite form of communication)

I now realize that was bad advice.

I would rather see the hurts. The heartfelt, from my heart confessions of a girl who was being beaten almost weekly by her so called "father".

(Its because of him for SO many years I have had trouble with God because if he's a man and my "father " how can I trust him??)

The one entry that I remember better than any is the one that said "I wish I were never born. because I'd never have to go through this if I never existed. I would have rather never have been alive. That is the one truly honest thing I wrote in that journal. I was in so much pain, yet all I see is pictures I drew of horses, drawings of rainbows and a picture that I painted because I was told thats what I had to do.

It makes me angry.

I don't know if you know this song, ("Concrete Angel" but I was almost this kid (Only I was 16, and my father strangled me for eating after 10- I had a near death experience) At the site I said that, but people of course won't realize of course how close I came to being her because I won't write the whole thing out there, its so weird.(At one point my father actually choked me for eating after 10 (It was a rule of his.) and I actually stopped breathing. The one thing I do remember is after fighting as hard as I could and I went limp there was an indescribable peace that took over, like God took me in his hands. I could hear my mother yelling "YOU KILLED HER" (My sister said my face was blue) and I couldn't move or do anything. Suddenly I gasped and I was back.

My husband believes that God brought me back so I could learn the lesson my dad never did, that you can't control other people)
Its easy to say forgive and forget,but seems like the people who try to force their "Forgive and forgets" down your throat don't have a clue because they NEVER WENT THROUGH IT. WHY is it that people try to push you into forgetting??You CAN'T. Its stuck in your brain, and if you pretend it never happened you could become the monster yourself . If you went through abuse for 16 years, it would be kind of hard to forget if you lived with it for that long. Forgiveness comes, but forgetting? Never.

I am so grateful to God (Yes, that guy, or that godess or nature...whatever God took me a lot of years and I still struggle to trust) for my life and the life I have now. I am truly blessed.
Wishing all of you a happy and healthy life...


  1. Hi Heidi! I am so behind on my readings. I believe I may start a Blog here myself. You are an incredible girl! I am blessed to call you friend. Love, Shel

  2. I would love to see that girl...git on it! (Seriously...I love your posts on facebook....I'm thinking your blogs would be incredible sassy lady...:)

  3. And right back atcha girlfriend! I'll tell ya what too...I'll post your blogs on my site if you return the favor...we can help each other out that way. I don't say that to just anyyone. I just think that your writing style is saucy and expressive. I love seeing your posts on facebook.