Today I am looking at a website where my fathers face is plastered everywhere I look. I am not kidding here. It is a national service website. Its not the only site. He is EVERYWHERE, volunteer of the year award....positions he has. In his hometown nespaper, pictures of him fighting "injustice"
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE INJUSTICE HE INFLICTED ON HIS OWN??
You see, my father is a volunteer, works with AARP, is touted as a BIG man in his state. He writes to his newspaper and if you look him up, there are pictures of him in this newspaper EVERYWHERE.
He is friends with a certain Governer who at one time, was causght playing footsie with a bathroom patron If you kinow what I nean) Hey, birds of a feather, flock together::p)
As I look at that website I see pictures of him with a child, helping that child to read.
The REAL picture SHOULD be...me sitting there as a child, him hitting me and him screaming bloody murder when I didn't get things right when he "helped" me with my homework, and me cringing at every word. Every hit.
I see him with a room full of teenagers in a circle, the preditor,abuser, attacker teaching them.
HE IS THE LAST PERSON THEY SHOULD BE LEARNING FROM!
It must be fun for him, deceiving so many people. That is the kind of person he is. Thats the man I remember.
This man is phychotic in every sense of the word. Measuring out his every move. A preditor.
There is one side of me that hopes that he is trying to make restitution, but he's done too many strange things, even now for me to believe it. (My sister has a restraining order against him, even brought him to court for getting into her house and leaving a note for her to meet him ALONE, among other strange things)
It scares me, that he has so many children around him. I am still trying to figure out if I was sexually abused by him. One of my sisters believes she was. I have some strange memories that are muddled up in my head, where I'm not sure who was doing what, or who may have sexually abused me.
Bu I am looking at this website and I can't stay silent any longer.
I called them, my voice shaking and told them what I know about my father. My sister also emailed them telling them "he has admitted to being an abuser in court, that they may want to reconsider posting pictures of him on their site, (There are MANY, and they are HUGE!) because it could be problematic for the abused and others aware of the situation and that if it came to light it could become problematic for their organization."
As of now, I see the website is down. Or at least the link wasn't working when I tried it.
Halleluia!
Ok...going back to me...ug. Its so exhausting talking about who I was forced to be then and who I really am.
You start out in life as a blank slate and a lot of the traits you have are aquired as you grow up.
I know I have my flaws. You have to understand that when you have lived with abuse for so long you have to learn whatever survival tactics you can just to survive it. After your out of the situation You have to burn off the impurities a little at a time. It takes work.
I learned my own survival tactics. I got to the point that after years of his beatings,no matter how much my father beat me, as he was beating me, again, as I've said, I would swear at him. He was not going to force me to be what he wanted me to be , I was gonng do what I was going to do, to ultimately be who I wanted to be and he was NOT going to make that decision for me.
He called me a slut, spit on the floor at me MANY times, when I hadn't been sleeping around or done ANYTHING to warrent being called a slut at all.
I decide he would NEVER tell me who I was. He was WRONG.
When I was young, (About 9) I made a promise to myself. There were four things I would never do. I would never drink (Well, the three year old me hadn't made that promise, so that one doesn't count:p lol) Again, if you haven't read that one, go back a bit to the Three Year Old Drunk and you'll see)I promised myself that I would never do drugs, never smoke, and I promised myself that I wouldn't have sex before I got married. I may be the only one out there like this, lol...BUT I kept those promises to myself. These are things you don't really need to know about me, BUT, I am being honest about who I am and I would rather just lay it all out in the open.
Heid the open book..haha.
As my sisters got older as I said, their way of rebelling was completely different than my way. I saw things no kid should see. Drinking parties...oh maaaan were there drinking parties. When my parents were gone it could get REALLY crazy. I was priveledged to see one guy throw up on the floor right in front of me.Walked into my room once to see one of my sisters was having sex with some guy in my bed...By that time I was lucky and had Jennie (My best friend I'll tell you about later)and I could run across the street to her house and find refuge there. Jennie has no idea how much she saved me just by being there. She may now:p (She knows I'm writing this)
I remember one time I found a whole garbage bag full of beer cans that they had convieniently stuck on the gutter by our house.
There is one thing that seeing all that alcohol and what it did to my sisters and her friends did for me. It made my resolve STRONGER. I saw the bad side of drinking and what it did to people. (I do make a great designated driver.:) The ridiculous thing and the fact of the matter was that even though I wasn't drinking, having sex, going out all hours of the nights like my sisters sometimes were, he chose to focus all his anger, all his frustrations, all his failures, all his hatred on ME.
How did I know this? He TOLD me. He told me hated me, even spit on the ground at me as he said it. He told me he wished I was never born. I will never forget. I can't forget. Even with that said, there are certain things I still can't remember. That in itself wa s a survival tactic too. Some things are just too much to bear and the mind convieniently blocks it out.
People who talk about forgive and forget are clueless. You can forgive, and I feel I have (even though seeing him working with teenagers and children has made me afraid for those kids) ,but forget? Its stuck in your mind and if you forget you could become the monster yourself...
People who say Forgive and forget? I have a favorite movie 'French Kiss" with Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. In it they French Character sais "People who say they're happy make my ass twitch"
Well...Let me make that comparison.
People who say forgive and forget make my ash twich...HAHA.
Forgive and forget.That would work great... for the purpetrators.
There are some people in life that if you submit yourself to them, they only use you and turn your peace into chaos. It is all my parents know. I haven't seen my parents for 10 years, and as I've said, I will not see my father until he and I are dead, up in heaven and the ultimate judge will be there. God is the one person who literally and ultimately has my back. There there will be no lies. There there will be no deceit, no one can hide.
And that is enough for me.
Saying 'I hate you' is something that should not be said, especially, especially, especially not to your own child. But that message was how he really felts (feels?) about himself. It was not about you. His self hatred was so large, it loomed above everything and bled over onto you and your life, and the lives of the others in your home.
ReplyDeleteTrue that.
ReplyDelete