I AM A SURVIVOR. I could have been one of the numberless child abuse victims that have been seen in the obituaries.I could have given in to the darkness that surrounded me at every turn. I could have taken my own life. (As I've said in a song I wrote called "If" "Should I let my father kill me, or should I do it myself?")
The human spirit, no matter how much darkness there is, sometimes finds the tiniest bit of light in the darkest of places. I am Unbreakable.
I have moved. Finally. I am still in overwhelmed mode and am just finding my way around. My house is in disarray, my brain is overloaded and I am happily aware that many things around here are conveniently close. But finding specifics, well, it’s a miracle that I'm finding them at all, but thanks to my GPS on my phone, it’s not quite so bad.
The place I have moved to has been called by some of my friends "Ghetto Ville". It would kinda be considered "With the hicks in the sticks" if you know what I mean.
On the road where I live it is not. I live in a gorgeous neighborhood in a beautiful house. I don't know what the rest of the place is like, I haven't been here long enough.
Just when I'm starting to feel a little bit at home, I go to find something at a store.
I'm on the freeway, andam trying to move over. I put on my turn signal, and the guy in the other lane speeds up. So I move over. There was room after all... Well I get to my exit, he follows me on my right, speeds up and starts yelling at me from the passenger side..."You Fing bitch what the hell doyou think you’re doing"???
I just waive at people like that and say "hi” like I don't hear a word they're saying. It actually makes me feel better that I'm not reacting negatively to such moronic behavior.
He got even more pissed off. Even though there wasn't any space, he moved over into my lane in front of me, so if I would have moved forward at all, I would crash into him. So, since there was no one in back of me, (Thank God) I backed up and motioned for him to get in front of me. Then he got this look on his face, actually mouthed that he was sorry, and I just motioned for him to get in front of me.
Oh CRAP...he was going to the same place I was... I turned off and went somewhere else. I didn't want to have him maybe follow me in the parking lot to say sorry, or see him in one of the stores I was going to...I was just wanting to get away.
Later on, I'm on my way home, and am at a stop light. Apparently I wasn't going fast enough around the corner for some redneck. He and his girlfriend honked at me, called me a "Stupid bitch", sped around me, (She flipped me off as I waived hi...for the second time today...) went right in front of me without using a turn signal, getting into my lane and almost causing me to crash into them. What the???
Is the amount of sunlight lately been blinding people? Or maybe the fact that today its grey and the rain may be corroding some peoples brain tissue? AHHHH!
I walked into a Dutch bakery today downtown. All the ol regulars were there having lunch. The place I lived before I may have walked into a familiar place, may have even seen people I knew. Today was different. I was the outsider this time. I was the one feeling out of place. I didn't like that.
But as I got to my street and drove up the road to my home, MY actual home (We have never owned up until now) saw the familiar roses that I had put into pots(That have to be planted pretty soon...if they could talk they would be scolding me.) walked in the door and just dropped the groceries exhausted on the kitchen counter, I felt at home. As if on cue the doorbell rang not long ago and I saw more familiar faces. As if my roses weren't enough. Everything is falling into place. And the familiar phrase rings in my ear. Something I've told myself for years, when I was being beaten, when I was feeling alone, When life seemed unfair and that nothing was going to be right, something whispered in my ear. Everything is going to be ok.
But it takes forever. Just wanted you guys to know I haven't forgotten about you and are lookng forward to sitting down, gathering my thoughts (They are ALL over the place right now) and writing again. Thanks for your patience:)