Thursday, August 14, 2014

My Thoughts On The Person Who Posted The Genie and Aladdin Saying "Now you are free"

My thoughts on the person who posted The genie and Aladdin saying "Now you are free" 
Sad as it may be that he is gone- I wish that he would have stayed.

So many are saying that "saying he is free is glorifying suicide". I do not believe it is...whats done is done and it can't be turned back, no matter how much all of us wish we could. 

I believe that the person who posted it was trying to make the best of a unspeakably sad situation. 

They probably are horrified that it could be taken in such a bad way... 

As his daughter Zelda said "While I'll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay", 

I like so many others wish he had stayed. We will never again get to see his genius.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams, Me, And ENFP's

I don’t know why I am hit so hard by this…

I’ve been sitting here looking at Movies, plays, anything that Robin Williams has said and done, and I’m devastated. I’ve cried over this.

Sobbed even.

I don’t understand why, I didn’t know him personally.

But with the kind of guy he was, it felt when he was in those movies that are so timeless like he let us into his own little world. And he seemed totally unafraid.

You know, He would get that look in his eyes when you saw him in a movie that said “C’mere…  let me tell you a secret, and you’re in on it”  kind of look.

There are only a few people who have left this world that have given me that kind of impression.

Chris Farley, who when he got crazy funny, you felt like you were in on the joke with him.
Whitney Houston, who had this voice that spoke more honesty IN her voice than any other singer I’ve ever heard in my life. (I tried when she passed to write a blog about her and ended up a crying mess…I couldn’t do it.)

When I was a teenager I was sitting on top of a camper tanning in my bikini when I heard Whitney’s voice for the first time. I listened to the whole tape (Yeah, I’m old;p) she made such an impression that I thought “Whitney is such a strong woman’s name- If I have a daughter, I am naming her Whitney". (I did)

I would be doing dishes at my parents’ house  as a teenager singing “The Greatest Love Of All”- because I didn’t feel like I was loved, (Some of you who have read my blogs know about my horrible abuse) but that song told me about the greatest love of all…learning its ok to learn to love yourself…before I had loathed who I was because I was told I was worthless…hearing Whitney sing those words made me believe that maybe, just maybe I was worth loving. And I believed her. Her music saved my life more than once. Literally.

Those three people are timeless to me.

It  is rare that you find people like that, especially in Hollywood.

Years back when I took something called the Myers Briggs personality test, I found out I was an ENFP. - another good one as some of the other doesn't fit me anyway here Then I found out Robin Williams was an ENFP. I was so proud of the fact that I was the same personality type as him. I still am.

They say that ENFP’s have a silly switch. (My best friend from high school Jennie could attest to that- Sometimes I couldn’t turn it off:p) You saw that in Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam” in “Mrs. Doubtfire” and how he ad libbed in Aladdin.

Especially Aladdin.

That man pretty much wrote his own script.

Despite everything, children eons from now will be singing “Let me take your order jot it down you ain’t NEVA had a friend like me” (I bet you just read that in Robin Williams voice, didn’t you?  ;p)

That is what makes him so timeless. He was an original. A legend.

Whatever his last thoughts were, he will never be forgotten.

From the bottom of my heart, Robin Williams, whatever your demons were, now you are free. (Sad as it may be that he is gone-  I wish that he would have stayed. But in the last day or so it has come out that he had Parkinson's disease..( Now maybe I understand a little better.

With that said, so many are stating that "saying he is free is glorifying suicide". I do not believe it is...whats done is done and it can't be turned back, no matter how much all of us wish we could. and I believe that the person who posted the Genie with Aladdin saying "Now you are free"  was just trying to make the best of a unspeakably sad situation. And I imagine they would feel horrified to think that people may think  they are glorifying suicide. In my mind they aren't.

  As his daughter Zelda so beautifully said "While I'll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay", I like so many others wish he had stayed. We will never again get to see his genius.

My life as as a teenager was pretty turbulent. My life could have ended at any moment, I was beaten so severely almost weekly , my head being pounded against the wall passing out many time I was strangled for eating after 10. It is a miracle I am alive.

 At 16 years old I came close to slitting my wrists because my parents forgot my birthday... on purpose.
(I found out later...)

As I sat on my bed I saw our vanity table next to me, the broken glass on the tabletop mirrored my feeling of being broken and worthless.

I took a piece of that glass in my hand, and was inches away from slitting my wrist when something told me "You will never know how good your life will be unless you stay". That is the only thing that stopped me.

Life is a roller coaster. sometimes you want to scream, sometimes you feel like your going to throw up. (I like comparing life to a roller coaster- MAN the highs and the lows!)

BUT if you stay, you can learn to ride those waves, those up and downs, and ultimately, what I have experienced is a beauty I would have never known if I would have left.

God has brought me back from the brink more than once.

The other day I was at my counselors, and she asked me what I believe about God.

I told her all the amazing things in my life that have happened, from my near death experience, to looking at a website when we were looking for a house KNOWING which house would be ours before we even went to look at it and looking up at the sky and saying “Really God”? This beautiful house is for ME”? To the tailor made trail behind my house that seems (again) to be made just for me (I used to get in car to go to places like this to walk on in the morning) But for ME??

My counselor said “I think that the only way I can think of to describe to you what you are feeling is that you are “surprised by God”.

Yeah, surprise fits.

Whatever your higher power, your Buddha, nature,God, or not, there is sometimes sadness, but there is also BEAUTY in the journey.

With that said I believe that wherever Robin Williams is his reunion with Christopher Reeve and so many others must be joyous, whatever we feel down here. (All I know is that every near death experience I have read about,and the feelings I had, including in my own near death experience (Which you can read about here was about how much I was loved. The whole WORLD loves Robin Williams. I can't even imagine what the reunion must be like for him there.

If he ever doubted how much he was loved, now I believe he KNOWS.

Robin, For bearing your heart and soul in every movie, for letting us see who you really were…you were a bright light that never will really go out.

Now you will shine in a whole different way, wherever you are.

Thank you.

Friday, August 8, 2014

"A Soul That Has Just Gained Freedom Needs No Permission"

I don't know why but this. just went through my mind...

"A soul that has just gained freedom needs no permission"

Heidi Vesser (And now you know my name :))

That can be taken two ways.

One, a dying soul who has just found freedom in death needs no permission ...another, a soul who finds freedom in life....  needs no permission.

That thought can be taken in many ways. How SIMPLE.


I think I want it on my tombstone.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

They Can't Make Us disappear. (And Thoughts On My Unbreakable Book That I have Been Working On Forever...)

I think I have an idea...

My "Unbreakable" book that I've been working on for a long time has always felt a little bit lopsided- like its not finished...

I have realized that the abuse I have gone through has not only been on my fathers side but also from the church.

It has not just happened to me, but to so many others and more and more women EVERY day.

To tell the story of what happened with Ordain Women, with my bishop, the Churches public relations incredibly inaccurate (not to mention dishonest) statements, and all these amazing women...and how my life led up to THIS... suddenly I feel that that is what I need to do.

I was talking to my counselor today reading her my blogs (I haven't seen her in a few months) and after reading them to her she said "Heidi,you were born for this".

Ok God, I get it now...

With the 1500 hits in one day on a blog about why I left the church and now over 11, 000 my blogs have gotten (Not to mention the 260,261hits on my profile page on Google) it tells me people are watching the Mormon church very, VERY closely. This is only the beginning... they can't stop this movement... No matter how much they want us to disappear.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Palestinian Israeli conflict: Learn to SHARE

I get sent things to me to like Palestine, or to like Israel with his huge, horrible conflict. (Know I will like BOTH sides)

What I am in agreement with, on either side is that ANY loss of life is tragic.

There is SO much abundance, EVERYWHERE and it is sad when the lesson that is learned (And taught) is so much hatred on either side. ...that even adults in their 'wisdom" cant learn this simple lesson:

That there is enough for anyone, that greed hurts EVERYONE and that the world goes straight to hell when we are SO busy screaming "ITS MINE!" that we can't learn what we were taught as a SHARE.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

What Do Anita Moorjani, My Near Death Experience, Butterflies and Coming Full Circle Have In Common With Leaving The Mormon Church? (This title sounds like it should have a punchline :P HAHA.)

I have come full circle.

A month or so ago, I went to a conference with Wayne Dyer. He said life is either love or fear.

I think I have lived in fear for SO long.

In the Mormon Church it seems we fear everything.

We’re terrified!

Especially as women in the Ordain women movement, in or out.

 I experienced that fear first hand in a women’s class when the Stake President (A man in charge) sat in the Women’s class at church about the Priesthood (Which he never has done.) Women were tripping all over themselves making comments to make sure that he KNEW they weren’t like me. Especially when they were staring at me as they said their comments that at times seemed pointedly directed at ME.

We in the church fear EVERYTHING. We fear change, we fear God, (Even though we talk about his love) we even fear hemlines. I have seen the slight indiscriminate snotty stare any woman gets for having a hemline just a little too high. Or a little too low.

Heaven forbid they wear a tank top! WOW! (Ok now I’m rolling my eyes, but I have seen it!)

In this conference I went to, Wayne Dyer talked about people being afraid and fearful, and because of this, not realizing their potential. But LOVE… love changes everything! It opens us up! Fear closes us off. Love opens us up to anything.

At that conference love is what a woman named Anita Moorjani spoke of when she had her near death experience. Unconditional love is such a clumsy word for this world to try to explain a near death experience, but that’s as close to heaven as we get here. (If you are curious about my near death experience at 16 years old  it is here: )

I bought Anita’s audio book and as I was coming home from the conference I listened to it. (I highly, HIGHLY recommend it- it blew my mind. Seriously. And I loved hearing her voice…there’s a peace in her voice I love)

The thing that REALLY struck me was that her father was Hindu and had tried to force her into an arranged marriage. She ran away.

When she died she met her father (He had passed before her) and all of that didn’t matter. Religion didn’t matter; societal training and cultural beliefs didn’t matter.

All that mattered was LOVE. This amazing, bigger than life, bigger than all of us unconditional LOVE.

I KNOW this love.

Before she left heaven her father and best friend (Who had died months earlier) told her to go back and live life fearlessly. I think that’s beautiful.

The biggest thing she said she learned in heaven was that everyone has their own truth, and that you should never let anyone take that from you.

It’s funny she said that, because that has always been my philosophy. I wonder if that is because of my near death experience that I feel that way.
(There’s more she said that actually answered a very BIG question that I have had for years, but I’ll save that for another day.)
(Another couple of good books are “Proof Of Heaven” by a man who was an atheist who had bacterial meningitis of the brain- his brain was literally dead…and he came back believing in heaven…  you can hear his story on YouTube- and listen to the 5 hour book read also on YouTube,

I was talking to a neighbor today who is Mormon and goes to my church and he asked me where I have been.. (I haven’t been to church in a month or so)I told him that I’m done going to a church where men in little rooms judge unrighteously. That the only judgement that I need is Gods, who really knows me.  He kept asking about Joe my husband, as if somehow our marriage must be in trouble when in fact, Joe honestly just doesn't like to deal with people and just doesn't want to go.. The truth is, there has been more peace in the house since we stopped going…this last year has been torture at church because of the behavior of the incredibly controlling Bishop. (My experience with that and what he did to try to control me is here:: )  And the ridiculous things said by members, that would be here:  not to mention the gossip.

I kept telling that neighbor “I’m ok”, but he just didn’t get it. I felt the need to reassure him, I don’t know why other than I feel better than I ever have in my life, I fel free, FINALLY!  He told me to stop saying I’m ok, but I think in the end I said it more just because he told me not to:P

 I don’t know that he is so worried for my immortal soul that he just can’t help himself, but I don’t need him to understand. People need to look after their own souls, God knows me MUCH better than they do.

I know the nature of God. I don’t need someone who hasn’t had a near death experience or get it to explain Gods love to me. I know the churches doctrines, I’ve feel I've dug deeper in my study than most members seem to and I know what my truth is. Nothing else matters.

I feel that there is good reason this is the church of my abusive father (No wonder he chose the LDS church, its abusive practices towards women must have appealed to him)

I believe organized religion is men’s excuse to play God. I believe that God is ready to give us so much, but that we are the ones who aren’t ready.

Less than a week ago I was in a training meeting.That very morning  I had been in the shower at my best friend’s house from high school…I had jumped out of the shower, thrown my bathrobe on, ran out to the front room where Jennie was sitting and said “I want a butterfly tattoo!” I went to the space where I was being trained that week. I saw the receptionist, and on her arm, was a butterfly tattoo! (I call her butterfly Sam :)) I went out into the lobby after class, and suddenly saw I saw a butterfly that was flying around this 2nd story building inside the very room I was in. Here I was at my training watching a BUTTERFLY..

I look at butterflies as a sign of freedom, of rebirth…I have always seen butterflies when I’ve been bothered by something, it’s always felt like a sign of God’s love…and God knows what a free spirit I am.

I was frustrated talking to this neighbor today…he’s a nice enough man but he has his truth and I have mine: That SHOULD be ok. It was just annoying that I felt he was trying to correct me, shaking his head no at me as if I am wrong when I KNOW what my truth is and I don’t need to be corrected. I don’t need to be talked to like a child as if I don’t get it.  As I was talking to that neighbor telling him how liberated I feel, a butterfly flew right past us.

Just because he doesn’t understand, doesn’t mean God doesn’t.

Thank you God!

I think I’m going to get a butterfly tattoo…one with big ol curly black feelers and the word “FEARLESS” In big letters around it!