Wednesday, June 15, 2016

How I Found Hope In Humanity Again

The last two years have been jumbled up in my head like a jigsaw puzzle that just hasn’t fit together, or maybe…. some pieces are missing. I want SO desperately to find them…

But where’d they GO??? Or did I ever have them in the first place?

I am learning the “Mormon teachings” stuck inside my brain come out at the most inopportune times...from the times I say “MY church” when I’m talking about the Mormon church (and I don’t consider myself mormon and never will EVER again) to over 40 years of brainwashing- that the “Us against the world” mentality is (I’m just going to say it) total and complete bullshit.

What happened to me two years ago at the time because of the Mormon church and its incredibly bigoted practices towards me and other women made me go from  this happy go lucky girl to an incredibly cautious, suspicious of people’s intentions kind of person, whether I look like it or not.

People telling on me to the Bishop about my feminist posts on Facebook, the spying on me on Facebook, the spying on me on my blog, the gossip at church just took all my faith in humanity.

I started to feel like everybody has an angle. Too many people seemed to be selling something.

Being treated for so many years like I’m not or will never be good enough by that church has taken it’s taken its toll on me.

Growing up I thought about what I wanted to be and came up empty because it had all been spelled out for me.

It’s damaging to be told your whole life your purpose in life, and to fight it, but inwardly to my shock I realize I believed it at the time, no matter how much I fought it.

And then I found out it’s all a lie. I realized that there’s more to me than being a mother, that I was never completely fulfilled and I knew it even when when I was pregnant. I knew it in my bones. I love my kids (or in my case kid) but there’s more to me than that...more than having or wanting people to take care of you your whole life as if you are this fragile little thing who has no right to have dreams, or passions or figuring out What the hell I wanted to be .

I’ve been treated like a THING my whole life. That I should be spit out, carbon copy as a baby-maker, here to cook, clean, make babies, and as one person rightly put it, end up like  livestock infuriates me.

I guess if there are stages of grief for what I have gone through, I’m in the angry phase.

I am ferocious when someone messes with me anymore, especially men.

There have been times I have been so angry, sometimes blowing up because of the sheer frustration of what I went through, and then other times I shut down and just get quiet.

Its such a fucking contradiction.

I don’t know if that’s the definition of bipolar, but there it is. Maybe it’s more traumatized. Maybe it’s PTSD.

Add to that my abusive father dying last year, and confusion has reigned in my world for a while.

But I’m angry that I’m over 40 and just figuring things out. Sort of.

I go to the YMCA swimming, and when I first left the church people came out of the woodwork telling me, you “NEED” to go to this church or that church, some people even going as far as saying I HAVE to have a relationship with God. Their God with “their religion” because of course THEY are the ones with the “Only true church” Just like my church had always said, just like EVERYONE with whatever church they chose believed... . I have found that everyone involved that has talked to me believes they they are the only true church. That they are all “God’s Chosen People” (Interesting how so many churches believe that they are “the chosen ones.) People would sometimes get this look in their eye when they talked to me about their church like "OH! I'm gonna get her to go to church with me and then she'll be saved!!!" Untuil I told them that I believed organized religion is mens excuse to play God. That would send them scurrying away.  

Hell even nations do this same we're the best crap... We are ALL the "BEST" nation, no matter where we come from.

It’s not like I need a church to have a personal relationship with God. I will NEVER be involved with any church again.

They have NO clue, and WHY would I tell them about my near death experience?  (because of my father...)  They wouldn’t understand. But then sometimes I WOULD tell them, just to shut them up. They would this vacant look in their eyes and most of them would shut up after that.

How arrogant we are!

Well, I have to be honest here.

I have shut down for a while.

Like a machine that’s running, but underneath it all has been secretly seething.

Keeping to myself. (Well, more than usual)

Honestly not wanting to deal with, well, anyone.

I am happier than I’ve ever been,and freer, but I am learning to do that on MY terms.

With that said,  I am SO much more guarded than I used to be. My life will not ever be on anyone else’s terms again.

I am trying really hard here to find a peaceful place. And there are times I find it. (I meditate every day.Oprah and Deepak Chopras meditations have really helped. Every day there is a centering thought. Todays is when I let go I find my grace.

Your welcome. Haha.

I had a counselor that said after I left the church that

“NOW you are free to figure out YOUR beliefs..

It’s not spelled out like I’m a robot anymore.

I’m going outside and feeling the sun on my shoulders, feeling free for the first time.
Throwing my arms open wide, and then looking around worried someone was watching me. Ug. Oh the conditioning churches put on people!

I feel like I want to flip off the entire world off if they mess with me lately.

I guess I’m at a point where there are days I feel like I have a giant chip on my shoulder.

Like I just want to scream “FUCK YOU WORLD!”

Its damned confusing.

This Sunday, As I have for many MANY Sundays, I slept in.

It felt delicious. I wake up Sunday when I want now, not having to go ANYWHERE.  
But this Sunday I woke up to reports about the  Orlando Florida shooting.

My radar went up again. WHERE is the humanity?  I thought. I cried watching so many suffer and for those like the mother who couldn’t find her son who was on TV like a rerun over and over begging “WHERE IS MY SON?? I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE IS!”

I have been so jaded, so untrusting and so angry at the world (especially at the Mormon world) that at times it’s hard to see straight. There is no way I can explain the RAGE I feel lately every time I hear about a new proclamation out by the Mormon church or when someone has been hurt by a church. ANY church. Especially their proclamation about Gays. I feel like it feeds the hate.

At one moment thinking about my ordeal with the mormon church my mind flashed back to a time , before I left the Mormon church where the Bishop called a class together with the entire ward. He led  some poor kid in talking about Gays in such a derogatory way, actually writing on the chalkboard there those derogatory things that I was shaking my head at the whole time. I don’t remember if I said anything or not, but I like to think that I did.I hope I did.I was so disgusted. This is what produces hate.

That day of the shooting,  I read thing after thing, watched video after video and my heart just broke all over again.

I have watched many many videos and news reports  as I’m sure many of you did. I stuck by the tv and news listening over days of  Horrifying information.

And I stewed. And stewed, Why the hate? Why the so called disgusting “righteous indignation”???

And then it came out that he had frequented the club, that he had a profile on a gay site.
Could it be that he hated himself SO much because of what he had been taught growing up...that he felt he had to kill everyone BECAUSE of his hatred of himself??? Or, was it that he did that(Got on the site, went to the club (A point my daughter brought up)  to target people? Whatever his motive, It’s twisted, and sick, and so, SO horrifying. His act of terror was  the actions of a selfish, disgusting, SICK man.

I heard the accounts..

Then the pictures of people who had died started popping up.

Young talented people. Stories were told. One guy loved singing Adele and would torture his co- workers with Adele’s songs, another had a Tattoo that said “No Gender." Students, singers, people with futures and love. And then there were those who died together.

This is what we need to remember, people who were just like us, loved and had hopes.

I was feeling sad one day about all of this when my daughter called...

She was on a road trip and was driving home from a family reunion when she started to get annoyed...suddenly I heard some choice words and then she said “Mom, someone almost drove me off the road. They were in a camper, the lanes were merging and they forced me off the road!”

Then suddenly she said  “I think something happened to my tire...let me get out and look”

Sure enough, her tire was going flat.

She said “Let me call you back later, I need to figure out what to do.”

I told her to find a place quick, it was 3 pm and most places would be closing soon.

So worrying, but praying she would be ok, I got off the phone.
She was in the middle of nowhere Utah, so I was worried.

Next time I heard from her: “Mom, someone stopped and told me they had a friend with a shop...he drove with me behind in my car, and then left. The place fixed the hole in her tire, and she hurriedly looked for her wallet.

That’s when she realized she left it on top of the trunk back at another town 300 hunderd or so miles back..


She was Panicking when a guy walked into the shop and said “I heard someone is stranded,she said “yes, that's me! “

He walked over, put $35 in her hand, no questions asked and she cried. Then gave him a hug.

Somebody made a difference in my daughter's life who was terrified that she wouldn’t get home that day.

After all the horrible news of the week, to have this bit of good news changed the way I have been feeling about things.

Then a day or two later, my doubts crept in.

What if they knew she left mormonism? What if they were mormon themselves? What if they were not mormon themselves? Does it matter??? Would they have helped her knowing she left mormonism or would they have treated her with disgust as they had me, just because of my beliefs?

What if they only did it because she was pretty?

What if they knew she was a part of the LGBT community?

Would they have even helped her at all? Would they have been just another mormon bigot with an agenda? Or would they try to help her thinking maybe they could find some way to convert her back? (that's not happening!)

Damn it...I have become so cynical because of my experience with Mormons. (sigh)

Maybe I was meant to be my daughters mama. Maybe I was MEANT to grow up in Mormonism to get to the other side of it so I could look her in the eyes and tell her I love her. That she is worthy. That she is beautiful JUST the way she is.

My problem is, most of the time I’m a complete idiot. And I say and do WAY too many times, the wrong thing. I’ve pounded my head against an invisible wall over and over because of the gazillion times I make mistakes.

Here I can sit and think about what I’m saying and then write it.

In the real world I wander around using my words like a drunk...and then it turns into freaking word vomit!

Too many times I say something and then wish I could take it back, or not haha.

Today I went to my daughter’s  facebook page when I saw that she posted something.

She came out today!  I am so proud of her in light of everything. In SPITE of everything.

How brave.

How beautiful.

She came out to me some time ago- If I had still been mormon, would she have been so open in telling me? I have to wonder, because some years back I was a Mormon with most of the belief systems of a mormon, because I THOUGHT that’s the way God wanted me to believe. Not anymore.

My daughter told me a friends mother said to me once that “kids need to experiment” and that my response that was “no they don’t!” It must have been so incapacitating for her to struggle so hard, dealing with a religion that told her she loves in the wrong way.

NO ONE loves in the wrong way. If it’s real honest to God love, it doesn’t matter who it’s to.

It took some pretty hard realities to bring me back to love.

This last week has restored my hope in humanity.

I started thinking about the people who helped my daughter and a simple truth hit me.

We do not need to know everything about each other to do good.

It is ingrained in us. We are ALL connected. We are interwoven into a tapestry that is warm and safe and loving as we allow it to be, deep down like one of those down comforters or fleece...ahhhh fleece. :p Or maybe more like a patchwork quilt. ALL of us with our differences.
Beyond the hurt and hate and the fear is a longing for somewhere we all belong where there is NO terror or hate, just love. Just HOME. Where going there is like being wrapped in a hug.  

Ah, the tapestry that  is love. That is goodness and acceptance and forgiveness. THAT brings peace. (This makes me want to wrap myself up in a big blanket ;p its a little on the chilly side today.:p)

And I remember a powerful quote.

“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death”

Anne Frank

Yeah. That.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Feminists Beware!

A male friend on facebook asked me to respond to a sexist blog on facebook, along with other feminists.. I had his link here, but honestly, I don't want to link his blog here with mine. I'd rather people don't give him what he wants in hits etc...

So here’s part of his rant… and mine.

“ I've been following feminist lunacy ever since August of 2014”

Right away listening to him talk like this I’m getting pissed off...

SIX TIMES MORE GENDER BIAS THAN RACIAL BIAS IN OUR COURT SYSTEMS IN FAVOR OF WOMEN, and yet even despite this feminist groups still find women to be the primary victims of discrimination in the penal system with some even suggesting women's prisons should close entirely.”

Ok, you look at rape culture, and this guy doesn’t even MENTION what women go through in court if she’s been raped. The questions and humiliation and “what were you wearing” b.s. He just mentions this. And where did he get his ratios? Just because Michigan law says it, doesn’t make it so. I for one would have to see more studies.

“the fact that much of feminist theory is rooted in someone's hatred of men”.

And there it is again...the assumption that all of it is because we hate men.

We don’t, we just want fairness. For our daughters and mothers and sisters. For the guys that end up with our daughters... to not treat us like an afterthought to use however they want. To be able to walk with our heads held high, both of us, as PARTNERS.

“ I can counter any feminist talking point by citing other self-identified feminists. So much so I could probably write a whole other article doing so”
This guy sounds seriously full of himself and apparently he knows all the answers. ;p (Women beware!)“Feminism crossed the toxic threshold at least 30 years ago and is now slowly killing us. Any ideology that uses circular logic as validation for why it needs to exist is proof of how destructive and totalitarian that ideology can potentially be, as in order for it to no longer be valid, everyone must agree with it. That should scare you to your very core dear reader.”

Killing who??

Women are now marching in India and all over the world in protests to things like a rape that happened to a woman on a bus. 7 men raped her, she ended up in the hospital, and she DIED. They rose up, women AND men and took to the streets. Things are changing. BECAUSE women are standing up and saying NO MORE! The world is getting better, Not worse. And what a beautiful thing that women are starting to stand up for each other! :)  This guy doesn’t say ONE thing about the struggles women go through. He just keeps talking about how he knows how to shut women (feminists) up.  I doubt he does. They no doubt steer clear of him once they realize what kind of man he is.

Malala, the woman who was shot in the head for wanting to go to school calls herself a feminist, and she is changing the world.

Her father calls himself a feminist. Now THAT is a real man. Real men build other women up. And the men around them.

This guy, well, he’s just making excuses. “Dear reader” he so sweetly says. Awww...isn’t that sweet. Pat me on the head and send me to bed with warm milk...

Dear reader, My ASS.

So, he responds to me like this… (Yes he replied, and I haven’t replied to him directly)

“need some anal gel for that bad case of butthurt?
(Uh, what butthurt??? This in itself is just infantile. Try to insult me with some kind of sexual innuendo to shut me up or TRY to shock me? I don’t think so!! 

I also just realized while I was meditating (Greeeeeeeeeeeat)  that this ass basically told me after I responded to his sexist blog (he very graphically told me)  about "anal gel"hes basically telling me that hes f'd me like the...whaaaaaa???? . What a freaking pig. WHY do some men have to resort to turning a woman standing up and speaking out into a sexual object so people won't take a woman seriously?

Whatever. Right... Well it isn't going to work, but it

SERIOUSLY pissed me offf!!!

I am writing about this guy so women can AVOID this guy like the plague.

arg....I need to remember the centering thought of the day, not this pigs comment.

He goes on...

"I can tell you didn’t follow all the links to the UofM site, because both studies are there, take a read and come back.

yes i look at where rape culture came from, and it can be found in its most hateful form in the SCUM manifesto, I'll probably do another article tracing those threads.

I mean the cult of SocJus/feminism seems to assume EVERYONE is some kind of -ist or -phobic and thats actually being taught in university to some degree, please tell me how one is wrong and not the other. You also seem to forget i'm talking about ideas here.

So its only about equality for one group of people? not for everyone? ok.

But you have all the answers right?

killing society if you haven't noticed, thats kinda why donald trump is winning.

While we're on the topic of India did you hear about the kid who got lynched over a false accusation? its great to see women stand up for each other and get men to murder on their behalf. I don't mention any of the struggles women go through because we already know what they go through.

Real women stay at home and support the man who supports her. If I dont get to define what a real woman is you dont get to define what a real man is.

good day M'lady ;)”

Looks like he can also read my mind as he said I didn't follow the links that I looked at of his yesterday... they were only all negative with women saying mean things about men. As if he's not. does he need some anal gel?;p

The Scum Manifesto? I have read it, and what he posted.  How does that have to do with men raping women??? Is he trying to say it’s women’s fault for rape because women have said some pretty mean things about men??? Words are not rape. Rape is because a man takes his junk out of his pants. It has nothing to do with the woman,It’s HIS, GET IT???And the blame belongs squarely on HIM, NOT her.

It’s not worth answering anything this man says because men like him will never learn... (which is why I refuse to talk to him...I've talked to men like that. The minute you start talking to them, they get this far away arrogant look in their eyes. Then comes the mansplaining because THEY know best (NOT!)
And he expects women to respond well to him when his first sentence to me, a complete stranger is about "anal gel? " WHO the HELL says that to a woman and expects them to respond???? If he really talks that way to people I think he has REAL problem with the social graces and is probably awkward in public. Almost to the point of that idiot Raaaaaav V or whatever.
But its the internet...dudes gonna make a name for himself by flinging insults. Reminds me of Trump. :p

And real women stay at home? (rolling my eyes now! Whether he was joking or not I don't care. You don't insult a total stranger and then expect them to see when you're "joking" even though you're just being an ass.) and then he ends it with a medieval "M'lady" and a wink...after insulting me...y

You know when a man insults a woman, then jokes with her and thinks he’s on a gee I can mess with you fling... and then be like, oh, I'm KIDDING, can't you take a joke??? And then she should play along?

Now I know what kind of man he really is... what is he? Mormon, religious freak or misogynist I can't decide... what's funny is that  my husband asked if this guy is Mormon when I read the article to him... as I used to be Mormon and left two years ago after being interrogated by a Mormon Bishop for being a part of ordain women... and because I had a marriage equality sign on my lawn. I know some good Mormon men... my husband being one of them but this guy is misogynistic to the nth degree...

Another woman tried to get him to listen to reason by patiently giving him links to articles about suffrage and bullet points about what women have gone through.

This was his response-typos and all;p Though he and I have typos in common... At least it wasn’t about “anal gel”.

“I have every right to hate feminism when feminist policies and models will one day effect MY life, and it has already. You dont know MY experience so dont you dare say i have no right to hate feminism.” (And then the baseless accusations to her) Your the one, as a feminist, who is trying to reduce the insanely complex rabbit hole that is feminism down to "patriarchy".
To which she responds...
"I never really write comments online. I'm just very passionate about equality in all forms and your article wasn't that hateful, it was just very uninformed so I decided to write to you. Either way, by your reply I'm realizing that you are quite hateful against people fighting for women's rights. It also seems Iike you don't think gender inequality exists at all in our society, which I find fascinating. It's also fascinating to me that you have so much against feminists because you think feminists are hateful, when you seem quite hateful yourself. I respect that that's how you feel. I don't personally believe hate ever leads to something good, but we are all different. Maybe one day in your life you will run into experiences that will change your views. Who knows. Peace."
Than he responds… “Fighting for womens rights and feminism are two seperate things to me. I'm also inclined to say you think inequality goes only one way, your wrong and if you feel so inclined feel free to follow me because thats probably what im going to be writing about most of the time. come learn something that feminism won't ever teach you about.”
(Now he’s assuming...which makes an ass out of u and me ha ha... AND telling her she’s wrong)
So I respond...
How arrogant...feel free to follow me so I can insult you more? Learn from me, a misogynist male who is completely clueless stewing in his own bullshit:p lol. His last line sounds like a come on line..."come on baby, come learn something from me that feminism won't ever teach you about."
Mrrrrrrrow! whew! lol HAHA!
I have decided this guy is not worth talking to.
So I won't.
Because he'll miss every point..

He’s too busy listening to himself talk.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Asshole (disguised as a nice guy)

I have dealt with some interesting things in my life. 

I have also gotten to know some interesting ladies at a pool at the YMCA as I work out there almost ever day..  I have loved hearing their stories.

Because they are older than I am, I have learned some good lessons from them and they have some amazing advice.

A couple of them have felt a bit like surrogate mamas to me.

Others I have learned not to talk to.  

Some too late.

I have learned who to trust, and who to not trust. (I hope)

They have gathered around me when I was hurting when my father died and just held me. (the story about my father is coming later- just taking a while to gather all my feelings together)

I got so confused and angry that I didn’t have a real father, and my emotions threw me into a real black hole I wasn’t sure I could get out of.  At times I just felt frozen.

They were there.

But so is Jim (Name changed)

Jim is well liked at the pool.
Hes always cracking jokes and people think he’s hilarious, and just a nice guy.

I’m not so sure.

From the beginning, he talked to me like you talk to a puppy.

I am not a puppy. It got really annoying. It was almost an annoying baby talk kind of thing.

In the summertime when it’s hot out, I like wearing halter top dresses that are long and flowing…it keeps the air flow going if you get my drift and I don’t get so hot.

When his wife was in chatting with the ladies in a room at the gym and I was in the doorway he came up behind me where she couldn’t see and touched me on a bare shoulder…it gave me the heebie jeebies.

He would get closer and closer to me at the pool and then touch me again, and again, and again.

I finally said something to him right in front of his wife.

I said that I didn’t like to be touched by anyone else other than my husband and to please stop.

That brought on a reaction that is too familiar to me.

Once I tell some guys to stop touching (I have had to do it too often... aggravatingly enough) many times after I do they turn into a flaming ass..

Because I talk to people and am friendly, some men in my experience assume  that it is ok to touch me. Do women do this to men?

Not in my experience.

After I tell them that, these guys  get MEAN. 

Which is what Jim has done…bothering me about doing this and that…

He started doing this really strange thing when I came into the pool…

He would suddenly get closer to me and yell “HI HEIDI” so everyone could hear. It was just bizarre.

The crowning jewel was a day or two ago when I was walking the pool with weights.

I have a back injury and was with a lady friend I go skiing with.

All of a sudden, a pool basketball is rammed up against my back, I am hit with water, and he is right behind me holding the ball on my back talking loud to me, excruciatingly close.

I am furious, and angry that he is not only pushing a boundary that I have made, but he is being a bully.

I say Jim, I don’t splash you… and get that ball off me!

He didn’t so I yelled

I mean it…STOP IT NOW!

And then I say to a lady who I really like there who sees the whole thing, "now YOU can splash me, but I’ll dunk ya!" (Deflecting the attention away from him, as it seems to be all about attention with Jim)

This whole time his wife is turned the other direction and somehow hasn’t seen a thing.

I am thinking…you bastard…you are crossing a serious line here. I decide who touches my body, not you. 

It’s MINE.

I’m still furious.

And I wonder if he’s a predator.

His wife is the sweetest woman.

And I have seen and heard from others how he controls her and it rips my heart out to think that this decent, sweet woman is being manipulated, when I see how strong she is.

When I did my One Billion Flash Mob Dance practice the one and only time in the pool this year she did it with me which was heartwarming (The blog on OBR should be below)

I talked to him the next day about the basketball he pushed against my back.

I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his wife so I asked him if I could take him aside. He said really loud "anything you say to me you can say to my wife".

I said so you remember the other day when you pushed the ball against my back?

He said No

(There are two people who saw him do it)

I said, don’t ever do that again. I mean it. I know you like to be a funny guy but you are starting to feel like a bully to me, so just stop. I mean it.

He said ok, I know you mean it.

He better. (GAH)