Friday, July 29, 2016

America Has Gone CRAZY

(Yes, I took this picture.)
All you need to see every day is 3 giant “TRUMP” signs (there is one more sign on your way down the road.) Personally I would like to camp out near the sign and burn the sign, maybe with a nice bag of marshmallows to roast . This is the grand poobah of signs.)
I am fed up with American politics.
These days people are just throwing up their hands and saying “oh well, I’ll just vote for Trump, or just voting for Hillary”... or if you're not voting for Hillary, you're voting for Trump.
As my husband says: I can either vote for corruption or idiocracy.
Gee what a choice.
(As to Trump and my feelings about him- I’ll let John Oliver tell you for me- I think I’ve watched this at least 10 times- it starts out goofy and is hilarious, but gets more serious about his failed businesses and bankruptcies- this is NOT a man who should run the country. (His rampant racism and bigotry aside, not to mention the so called “Mexican wall” and deportations etc)
Do we have a choice?
WAIT, we have been TOLD we don’t have a choice.
They say (and I add this) we have a choice between a tantrum induced toddler and a corrupt politician who just happens to be a woman. (Damn it- WHY can’t we get a good woman!!! (Elizabeth Warren- I’m talking to you, and in the same breath, I’m disappointed in you too.Jill Stein is looking better and better, I’ll get to that later)  
I just don’t know how this can be fixed.
There is too much big money, and honestly, too much cheating involved. This game is fixed.
And the American people are stuck in the middle watching their daytime soaps and evening comedies, distracted, with their pants down, if you get my drift.
How else did a clown get in here???
When Washington State had their caucus, I told myself I would go to vote for Bernie and then not get involved.
I voted and then like a kid addicted to “whack a mole” I got whacked myself.
I got talked into being a delegate AGAIN.
I should have learned the first time with Ron Paul.
I thought, “maybe” this will be different then when I was a Ron Paul Delegate with the Republicans.
Where I was screamed at by some “Christian” woman about same sex marriage “ruining America”
Where I saw a ballot box taken by cheating Republicans and another guy who tried to stop it escorted out.
Later a guy who had tried to stop the cheating had a meeting about it with the other delegates. And what was done about it? NOTHING.
I saw people who were normally decent to each other ripping each others throats out.
What’s funny is that I had moved and the old people in my Mormon ward were on one side of the convention center, and the people in the new ward on the other for Mitt Romney, and I felt suffocated as they kept congratulating themselves and throwing corny jokes my way about the “black sheep in the family”
Not only that, but at church after Sacrament meeting AT church, some Dufus decided to bawl me out for not voting for the “Mormon” (Romney coincidentally, WHO I RESEARCHED unlike those who assumed he was good BECAUSE he was Mormon) I found his ties to Monsanto stock (GMO company)
Might as well have an exorcism right then and there, right?  Slam me on the forehead and “DEMON BE GONE!!!”
I  went to state, but what I saw in between all of that just made me, to be honest, disgusted with it all.
When the Republicans  weren’t trying to filch you for all your money as a delegate, they were too busy patting themselves on the back congratulating themselves for all the good ( let’s be honest here, the good that THEY have done for themselves and no one else.)
I spent HOURS years back with a Ron Paul delegate who spent more time than anyone else I know on the floor trying to change the corruption that is politics. He stood in line for at least an hour or two to get his point out, and then they took him down by shutting down the forum to talk right before he got to the stand. Now HE is a good guy. (Yes Mr B.- I’m talking about you!)
And here I was in the same boat again, playing for the other team.
I have realized I am  Green party/Independent/Libertarian leaning Democrat, if there is such a thing.
I found I flt more into the Green Party structure myself. Check this to see where you stand:  

I wondered if the cheating would happen with the Democrats too. Well, I didn’t have to wait long.
Enter Hillary Clinton, who I have been watching with eagle eyes for YEARS.
Damn it, I want a woman president SO bad I can taste it.
But a corrupt, war mongering, Clinton Foundation (cough cough slush fund) establishment shill instills absolutely NO confidence in me.
What she has done to Bernie, and how emails  have been leaked from the founder of Wikileaks showing that she had spies in Bernie’s camp, is just flat out disgusting.
Meanwhile, online, the conversations  make me wonder why I am there in the first place.

Heidi  I am so so sick of politics right now and yet I'm still talking about it haha

Shela  I need to go to bed and stop getting so freaked out. But I tell you if something doesn't happen soon we're going to start getting bombed like Jerusalem and is not going to be funny we're going to be crying to the Britain to save us after we fought and fought to get away from them if anybody remembers that?

Shela  I'm just going to get off of my soapbox for now. As much as I hate to say it we be better off with Hillary Clinton at this point unless someone like Colin Powell comes up out of the ashes.

Heidi  Were in  need a good strong leader I just don't know where there is one who isn't corrupt unless we're talking Bernie.

Joe  lol Bernie?

Shela I actually give a rat's ass about Bernie Sanders I think he truly gives a s***.

Shela My problem is having work for all branches of the service is that the president of the United States as commander-in-chief should be the highest military ranking person. I do not believe you should be able to be a president without a military high-standing standing background.

Heidi Lol Trump

Heidi  Don't even go there John whoever you are

Shela Joe is good folk

Joe  where did I say trump... Bernie..dodged draft just like trump..Bernie never had real job. Do you need a pacifier? Awwww  poor little thing...

Shela  Bernie has heart. As long as I have a daughter under 18 I would dodge the draft also.
Write a reply...

Heidi  When Bernie  was mayor he stopped hundreds of people from being displaced in their homes in Burlington when Real Estate tried to push them out.  Burlington also was the first to have 100% renewable energy because of him.  He was also called the amendment King with over 90 amendments passing working with Republicans and Democrats as nobody else had. All the information I just talked about is said (and shown) about the middle of the video when it really starts to get interesting
Heidi Sebastion This is a man who has just given more and more. Socialism is caring about other people... communism is more like what you're talking about above. I think you have a twisted version in your head of what it actually is or maybe you're watching too much Fox News

Joe  you are just one of those who thinks you are entitled to others money..btw how much money has bern gave away.
Heidi  For a guy who has a picture on your page saying "love comes naturally hate is learned" with a picture of two kids hugging you sure aren't being very nice. And you're assuming that I believe that I'm entitled to others money when you don't know me at all. Im a 46 year old married 25 years woman. When people start calling each other names and assuming things about people telling them they need a pacifier. someone needs to grow up and get his big pants on. Someone's diaper is full of s***) :p

Shela actually I will say that I do believe in the fact that hate is learned. I hope you won't delete me Heidi
Shela  This might make a really good Blog. Heidi

Heidi  Shel I would never delete you... anyway I better get to sleep 3:30 am is coming fast

Joe I haven't got nasty, but I can..
I was being nice since was a friend's post

Heidi Sebastion  Shela, honestly I'm cool talking to you but he was extremely rude with the pacifier comments and poor little thing... just very childish comments and I'd rather not... having an adult conversation between two people who don't agree doesn't have to resort to rude comments... most times people won't change their minds no matter what... it's okay to have different opinions but resorting to comments that are inflammatory and childish are frankly a waste of my time.
Haven't gotten nasty is b******* on his side and if he can't see how childish he was and is trying to make excuses for it... all the more reason for me to not talk to him.  All the other comments he is making now are just the kind of comments of someone who's a troll and who likes to bait people... I'm done.

Heidi  Okay I'm leaving now Shel... have a good night

Shela Joe you only pop up on my wall when you're really upset about something so I respect that but I do need to say that Heidi means the world to me she's really good people she really really is :-)
Unlike · Reply · 1 · 12 mins

Joe  Never called any name

Heidi "awww poor little thing"

Shela  Joe.... Heidi is a kick ass girl that I really love so please respect her a little bit and Heidi please respect John though you don't know him. As friends I don't want to lose either one of you.

This is the mentality. God help us all since this is going on till November! At least it’s over before Christmas!

I have seen people call each other names,block and delete each other on Facebook, tell me and people over and over that if we vote for anyone else than Hillary that we are voting for Donald Trump.

That frankly scares the HELL out of me.

My mother escaped Hitler's Germany (I’m serious) If Trump gets in, I’m afraid for us all.

HERE IS THE PROBLEM: . For years we have bought into the medias “IF YOU VOTE FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN THE DEMOCRATS OR REPUBLICANS, you lose.

Well here I am to burst your fucking bubble.



From that article...

  • 42% identify as independents, 29% as Democrats, 26% as Republicans
  • Independent identification at least 40% for fifth consecutive year
  • Democrats maintain edge over GOP in party identification and leaning
Get off the merry go round that is the two party system!!!
We’re just going round and round till were so dizzy we feel like throwing up.
Isn’t anybody sick of this bullshit???


I looked into Jill Stein and took a quiz on who I relate to the most. Jill came in first and Bernie second. I am liking her more and more. Gary Johnson is another one to look into.
Hey, a WOMAN who is actually honest in the white house?

I think I may be changing my vote.

If we as a nation change our thinking, it may NOT be hopeless after all.

Af friend of mine on Facebook brought up a good point.
“The Republican party was once a third party, and they pushed out the Whig party.”

It is not too late. Don’t buy it. EDUCATE yourself, REALLY look into all the parties, and THEN vote.

Hell- I’ll even give you a head start.

(Click this to out which candidate you are really most comparable to in ideology...I did. (Look to the right to take the test. Mine was 93% Jill Stein, Bernie Sanders(who is now gone... grrrr then Clinton and down the shows you the results too.Tell me if the link works, it wasn't working before)

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Your "Invite "Is Showing And Other Bullshit

(Side note: )

This picture makes me giggle as the guy is actually looking at her...wait for it.....FACE. YES! ;p)

I have a 70 year old friend who I go skiing with. (she amazingly, snowboards) She regularly kicks my ass as she flies down the slopes.

We rollerblade these days as it’s warmer (I am sitting here with a sunburn as we speak.)
She amazes me, the longevity she has, and how long she can stay on those damn skates gliding along as I huff and puff and don’t blow her house down haha. (she took my skates to her house to check the wheels last week, said they don’t spin right so I have an excuse, maybe I don’t feel so bad, but again, she’ll still hit meh' where the Lord split meh. (Translated- she’ll still kick my ass...)

Last week I met her at the pool, as I usually do, at a club I frequent. I wore a two piece swimming suit, the top part of a “tank” suit with a split half way down to my stomach.

The minute I saw her, she looked straight at my swimming suit and said “Your invite is showing.”
(To be fair, when I told her what she said had offended me, she said her daughter said that- but where did her daughter learn it? Children learn it from parents, and grandparents- it’s been happening for generations, and it will TAKE generations to undo it.)

I said “they're just boobs. It has nothing to do with an invite.”

Why do we as women do this to each other? Do we believe we are “protecting” each other this way? Are we standing up for each other as women, or shaming each other and not protecting each other at all?

Why are we stigmatizing men this way? WHY are we treating them as if they are nothing but animals?

We have to hold men to a higher standard. (For more on that, go to Jackson Katz’s amazing ted talk here- he is helping to change roles- if every man, and I dare say woman would be more like him, this wouldn’t be a problem)

It’s comments like “your “invite” is showing” that excuse men of rape, incest and murder.

How much fabric or how little fabric a woman is wearing should NOT decide her worth, or if she’s a “slut” or not.

Women should own their bodies THEMSELVES, not let someone else decide for them, or worse yet, be shamed for them.

There are places Europe, women run around without tops on. Bottoms even. This is not a big thing.

In America where we are supposedly the "world leader" (I say this tongue in cheek, BIG time) we are such prudes. We shame ourselves as women here and allow men to excuse themselves for brutish behavior. Saying men are just like that. It is inexcusable. On both counts.

I keep telling myself I need to move overseas. There has got to be somewhere where it is better than this. I am so exasperated and frustrated by comments that judge me (and other women) as if before anything women "HAVE" to prove that they aren't sluts out to land a man. Aren't we aloud to be comfortable by ourselves? Why is it automatically assumed we have a motive???

Now If I were on a deserted island by myself alone, I WOULD run around naked. Its honestly more comfortable. Heaven forbid I feel the sun on my skin, everywhere.How cool would that be? Does this make me a slut? Or am I asking for a serious sunburn? (Maybe, haha) But the rebel in me loves the thought.

Which makes me think of a goofy Dharma and Greg show where she dances naked to welcome spring(A welcome respite from my rant haha)

I read a story the other day about a girl who refused to wear a bra to school. Though she was covered, she was brought out of class. May I ask who was shamed and whose day was really interrupted? Oh, I know the answer to that one. HERS was. Who was looking so hard at her chest anyway? The women there fell behind her and went braless at her school because whose body is it anyway? Yes, its HERS..

And while we’re at much fabric a woman is wearing (Or if she is wearing a bra or not) has nothing to do with a man taking "it" out of his pants and forcing it on someone that doesn't want it. Whether shes wearing a berka, full dress, bra or braless. She is not asking for it. That is HIS action, not hers, If hes thinking "shes asking for it".. hes suspect and if he acts on it he's criminal.

Who are we to decide who's fucking asking for it???

Do you want to ask the person if shes asking for it. No? Then fucking go away.

Yes I'm angry. I'm sick of dealing with this ridiculous mindset.

We need to teach our men better. From the cradle to the grave.

Everything else is bullshit.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

How I Found Hope In Humanity Again

The last two years have been jumbled up in my head like a jigsaw puzzle that just hasn’t fit together, or maybe…. some pieces are missing. I want SO desperately to find them…

But where’d they GO??? Or did I ever have them in the first place?

I am learning the “Mormon teachings” stuck inside my brain come out at the most inopportune times...from the times I say “MY church” when I’m talking about the Mormon church (and I don’t consider myself mormon and never will EVER again) to over 40 years of brainwashing- that the “Us against the world” mentality is (I’m just going to say it) total and complete bullshit.

What happened to me two years ago at the time because of the Mormon church and its incredibly bigoted practices towards me and other women made me go from  this happy go lucky girl to an incredibly cautious, suspicious of people’s intentions kind of person, whether I look like it or not.

People telling on me to the Bishop about my feminist posts on Facebook, the spying on me on Facebook, the spying on me on my blog, the gossip at church just took all my faith in humanity.

I started to feel like everybody has an angle. Too many people seemed to be selling something.

Being treated for so many years like I’m not or will never be good enough by that church has taken it’s taken its toll on me.

Growing up I thought about what I wanted to be and came up empty because it had all been spelled out for me.

It’s damaging to be told your whole life your purpose in life, and to fight it, but inwardly to my shock I realize I believed it at the time, no matter how much I fought it.

And then I found out it’s all a lie. I realized that there’s more to me than being a mother, that I was never completely fulfilled and I knew it even when when I was pregnant. I knew it in my bones. I love my kids (or in my case kid) but there’s more to me than that...more than having or wanting people to take care of you your whole life as if you are this fragile little thing who has no right to have dreams, or passions or figuring out What the hell I wanted to be .

I’ve been treated like a THING my whole life. That I should be spit out, carbon copy as a baby-maker, here to cook, clean, make babies, and as one person rightly put it, end up like  livestock infuriates me.

I guess if there are stages of grief for what I have gone through, I’m in the angry phase.

I am ferocious when someone messes with me anymore, especially men.

There have been times I have been so angry, sometimes blowing up because of the sheer frustration of what I went through, and then other times I shut down and just get quiet.

Its such a fucking contradiction.

I don’t know if that’s the definition of bipolar, but there it is. Maybe it’s more traumatized. Maybe it’s PTSD.

Add to that my abusive father dying last year, and confusion has reigned in my world for a while.

But I’m angry that I’m over 40 and just figuring things out. Sort of.

I go to the YMCA swimming, and when I first left the church people came out of the woodwork telling me, you “NEED” to go to this church or that church, some people even going as far as saying I HAVE to have a relationship with God. Their God with “their religion” because of course THEY are the ones with the “Only true church” Just like my church had always said, just like EVERYONE with whatever church they chose believed... . I have found that everyone involved that has talked to me believes they they are the only true church. That they are all “God’s Chosen People” (Interesting how so many churches believe that they are “the chosen ones.) People would sometimes get this look in their eye when they talked to me about their church like "OH! I'm gonna get her to go to church with me and then she'll be saved!!!" Untuil I told them that I believed organized religion is mens excuse to play God. That would send them scurrying away.  

Hell even nations do this same we're the best crap... We are ALL the "BEST" nation, no matter where we come from.

It’s not like I need a church to have a personal relationship with God. I will NEVER be involved with any church again.

They have NO clue, and WHY would I tell them about my near death experience?  (because of my father...)  They wouldn’t understand. But then sometimes I WOULD tell them, just to shut them up. They would this vacant look in their eyes and most of them would shut up after that.

How arrogant we are!

Well, I have to be honest here.

I have shut down for a while.

Like a machine that’s running, but underneath it all has been secretly seething.

Keeping to myself. (Well, more than usual)

Honestly not wanting to deal with, well, anyone.

I am happier than I’ve ever been,and freer, but I am learning to do that on MY terms.

With that said,  I am SO much more guarded than I used to be. My life will not ever be on anyone else’s terms again.

I am trying really hard here to find a peaceful place. And there are times I find it. (I meditate every day.Oprah and Deepak Chopras meditations have really helped. Every day there is a centering thought. Todays is when I let go I find my grace.

Your welcome. Haha.

I had a counselor that said after I left the church that

“NOW you are free to figure out YOUR beliefs..

It’s not spelled out like I’m a robot anymore.

I’m going outside and feeling the sun on my shoulders, feeling free for the first time.
Throwing my arms open wide, and then looking around worried someone was watching me. Ug. Oh the conditioning churches put on people!

I feel like I want to flip off the entire world off if they mess with me lately.

I guess I’m at a point where there are days I feel like I have a giant chip on my shoulder.

Like I just want to scream “FUCK YOU WORLD!”

Its damned confusing.

This Sunday, As I have for many MANY Sundays, I slept in.

It felt delicious. I wake up Sunday when I want now, not having to go ANYWHERE.  
But this Sunday I woke up to reports about the  Orlando Florida shooting.

My radar went up again. WHERE is the humanity?  I thought. I cried watching so many suffer and for those like the mother who couldn’t find her son who was on TV like a rerun over and over begging “WHERE IS MY SON?? I DON’T KNOW WHERE HE IS!”

I have been so jaded, so untrusting and so angry at the world (especially at the Mormon world) that at times it’s hard to see straight. There is no way I can explain the RAGE I feel lately every time I hear about a new proclamation out by the Mormon church or when someone has been hurt by a church. ANY church. Especially their proclamation about Gays. I feel like it feeds the hate.

At one moment thinking about my ordeal with the mormon church my mind flashed back to a time , before I left the Mormon church where the Bishop called a class together with the entire ward. He led  some poor kid in talking about Gays in such a derogatory way, actually writing on the chalkboard there those derogatory things that I was shaking my head at the whole time. I don’t remember if I said anything or not, but I like to think that I did.I hope I did.I was so disgusted. This is what produces hate.

That day of the shooting,  I read thing after thing, watched video after video and my heart just broke all over again.

I have watched many many videos and news reports  as I’m sure many of you did. I stuck by the tv and news listening over days of  Horrifying information.

And I stewed. And stewed, Why the hate? Why the so called disgusting “righteous indignation”???

And then it came out that he had frequented the club, that he had a profile on a gay site.
Could it be that he hated himself SO much because of what he had been taught growing up...that he felt he had to kill everyone BECAUSE of his hatred of himself??? Or, was it that he did that(Got on the site, went to the club (A point my daughter brought up)  to target people? Whatever his motive, It’s twisted, and sick, and so, SO horrifying. His act of terror was  the actions of a selfish, disgusting, SICK man.

I heard the accounts..

Then the pictures of people who had died started popping up.

Young talented people. Stories were told. One guy loved singing Adele and would torture his co- workers with Adele’s songs, another had a Tattoo that said “No Gender." Students, singers, people with futures and love. And then there were those who died together.

This is what we need to remember, people who were just like us, loved and had hopes.

I was feeling sad one day about all of this when my daughter called...

She was on a road trip and was driving home from a family reunion when she started to get annoyed...suddenly I heard some choice words and then she said “Mom, someone almost drove me off the road. They were in a camper, the lanes were merging and they forced me off the road!”

Then suddenly she said  “I think something happened to my tire...let me get out and look”

Sure enough, her tire was going flat.

She said “Let me call you back later, I need to figure out what to do.”

I told her to find a place quick, it was 3 pm and most places would be closing soon.

So worrying, but praying she would be ok, I got off the phone.
She was in the middle of nowhere Utah, so I was worried.

Next time I heard from her: “Mom, someone stopped and told me they had a friend with a shop...he drove with me behind in my car, and then left. The place fixed the hole in her tire, and she hurriedly looked for her wallet.

That’s when she realized she left it on top of the trunk back at another town 300 hunderd or so miles back..


She was Panicking when a guy walked into the shop and said “I heard someone is stranded,she said “yes, that's me! “

He walked over, put $35 in her hand, no questions asked and she cried. Then gave him a hug.

Somebody made a difference in my daughter's life who was terrified that she wouldn’t get home that day.

After all the horrible news of the week, to have this bit of good news changed the way I have been feeling about things.

Then a day or two later, my doubts crept in.

What if they knew she left mormonism? What if they were mormon themselves? What if they were not mormon themselves? Does it matter??? Would they have helped her knowing she left mormonism or would they have treated her with disgust as they had me, just because of my beliefs?

What if they only did it because she was pretty?

What if they knew she was a part of the LGBT community?

Would they have even helped her at all? Would they have been just another mormon bigot with an agenda? Or would they try to help her thinking maybe they could find some way to convert her back? (that's not happening!)

Damn it...I have become so cynical because of my experience with Mormons. (sigh)

Maybe I was meant to be my daughters mama. Maybe I was MEANT to grow up in Mormonism to get to the other side of it so I could look her in the eyes and tell her I love her. That she is worthy. That she is beautiful JUST the way she is.

My problem is, most of the time I’m a complete idiot. And I say and do WAY too many times, the wrong thing. I’ve pounded my head against an invisible wall over and over because of the gazillion times I make mistakes.

Here I can sit and think about what I’m saying and then write it.

In the real world I wander around using my words like a drunk...and then it turns into freaking word vomit!

Too many times I say something and then wish I could take it back, or not haha.

Today I went to my daughter’s  facebook page when I saw that she posted something.

She came out today!  I am so proud of her in light of everything. In SPITE of everything.

How brave.

How beautiful.

She came out to me some time ago- If I had still been mormon, would she have been so open in telling me? I have to wonder, because some years back I was a Mormon with most of the belief systems of a mormon, because I THOUGHT that’s the way God wanted me to believe. Not anymore.

My daughter told me a friends mother said to me once that “kids need to experiment” and that my response that was “no they don’t!” It must have been so incapacitating for her to struggle so hard, dealing with a religion that told her she loves in the wrong way.

NO ONE loves in the wrong way. If it’s real honest to God love, it doesn’t matter who it’s to.

It took some pretty hard realities to bring me back to love.

This last week has restored my hope in humanity.

I started thinking about the people who helped my daughter and a simple truth hit me.

We do not need to know everything about each other to do good.

It is ingrained in us. We are ALL connected. We are interwoven into a tapestry that is warm and safe and loving as we allow it to be, deep down like one of those down comforters or fleece...ahhhh fleece. :p Or maybe more like a patchwork quilt. ALL of us with our differences.
Beyond the hurt and hate and the fear is a longing for somewhere we all belong where there is NO terror or hate, just love. Just HOME. Where going there is like being wrapped in a hug.  

Ah, the tapestry that  is love. That is goodness and acceptance and forgiveness. THAT brings peace. (This makes me want to wrap myself up in a big blanket ;p its a little on the chilly side today.:p)

And I remember a powerful quote.

“In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death”

Anne Frank

Yeah. That.