Sunday, March 23, 2014

Told a Friend I wouuld post songs I've sung...I used to be in a band- We were one of three bands picked to be in Seattles Battle Of The Bands- Would have gotten a contract if I would have done it but I don't gig on Sunday...(Wrote the lyrics and melody to songs) but thought I would throw up some songs for my friend quick (And all of you to hear :) I am known as the chameleon in many circles because I can change up my voice depending on the song...And this is video so...You will see...ME! :)

Over the last months, I haven't really felt like singing because of the ordeal with my church ( that some of you have read about...)  I am finally back to my singin self...and promised a friend that I would throw up some songs so he could hear here they are...

A song that seems to embody what I feel about what has happened in the last months is "Let It Go" so after months and months of just not feeling like singing I heard this one when I sent to see Frozen...Such a beautiful message. "Let It Go" and be yourself!

This was a powerful, powerful song I sang some months before I sang "Let It Go" called "Overcome" It popped into my head one day as I was thinking about everything I have endured as I was going through this huge trial...

This is me as a dog...REALLY. ( I dressed up and stick my hair in two high up pigtails) Hallelujah...actually in my case its Hoooooooowlelujah!  (You KNOW I had to stick something silly in here...:p)

One of my favorite religious best friend from high school introduced me to it. Its called Blessings (I sang it once for Jennie and another time time Naomi a good friend from church...

Another religious song that I absolutely ADORE. I stumbled upon this band actually PERFORMING this song at a concert at Marymore parkin Washington!

Blue Bayou (One of my huz's favorite)

Santa Baby (Betty Boop/ madonna version :)

One of my favorite funky songs to sing...but apparently myhand is stuck to my ear...HAHA!!

THIS IS MY ROCK VOICE!! I am particularry proud of this song because most women who try to sing it kinda, honestly...SUCK ... I have a special gravelly/ funky voice I use for Crazy train,..when I performed it, people went nuts :P Don't be afraid...CLICK!

Amy Lee is one one of my FAVORITE rockers...Three of my favorite Evanescence songs...

What cracks me up is my hair and how short to how long it now...glad I grew it out..whew...most recent songs are at the top and oldest at the bottom...but I'm pretty proud of them...:)

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Why I Will Stand With My Sisters Of Ordain Women April 5th

I live in Washington.

Washington is a LOOOOOOOOOOONG way away from Utah and Idaho, (14 hours away driving) you know, all those Mormon-y states… (Ok I’ll say it…The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, of which I’m a part and am still completely active, despite everything that has happened to me over the years, and especially now. You can read about that here  )

In all honesty, I am quite glad to live out of an area that is so mainstream Mormon.
You see, I grew up in Idaho, Idaho, with its extreme EXTREME weather. Well, that’s not the only thing that’s extreme.

I remember walking to school in -30 weather with snow. I also remember it being almost 100% Mormon where I grew up. There was always talk of loving your neighbor but the truth was, there I learned about and saw an incredible amount of intolerance. (I’m sure not everyone is that way there but that was my sad experience) My experience growing up there was that I was living in a bubble- But I didn't know it.

My experience at school was that the rich little Mormon girls were the popular snobs, (The ones who lived on snob hill and would go party behind their parents backs) I was treated quite badly, even though I was a serious goody goody who didn't go to any of their beer parties. It’s a good thing I found a best friend there, and we stuck together and kept each other straight. I was also friends with people all across the board there. 
One guy who ended up gay was fun to hang out with at school dances. I have always wondered what happened to him, the people there were cruel to him on more occasions than I can count on both hands and I wish I could tell him how much I respected him.

In this small minded town my parents taught me that Gays were bad, that women should know their place, and worst of all, my mother said that I should never interracially marry (She grew up in Hitler’s Germany where she and her family escaped, but that’s a whole different story.)

I told her she could never tell me who I was going to marry and whoever I loved would be any color. I never cared about color, I cared about LOVE.

From the beginning, NONE of what my mother and father told me about those things sat right with me.
When I moved out of Idaho, I started to see how the real world is.

I have always felt VERY close to God, (though when I was young I had issues because if God was my FATHER and my father was so abusive  what kind of example did that show me as a child? It was confusing. It took me YEARS to get over that, because I had been taught God was more damning than loving) I believe God has expanded my horizons. When in my life I was begging and pleading to understand he has shown me everything I needed to know and opened up my understanding. Sometimes through scripture, sometimes through reading church history, and through prayer.   I know he has always led me in the direction he wants me to go.

Last year, I felt all alone.

I had a profile on Ordain Women and I was told that if I didn't take it down immediately that I would have my temple recommend taken away by my Bishop .

I told him I would be lying about how I felt if I took it down so I would not. My recommend was taken away.

This is NOT the norm. I am one of only two women IN THE ENTIRE CHURCH that has had this happen. I know this because there was an anonymous poll done to see how many had lost their recommends and only two had lost them.  (Me being one of them. )

I wrote to the leaders of the church saying this, and was told basically that they were leaving the decision about my recommend to the Bishop and the Stake President. No one was even going to review it. The letter I wrote spoke of everything I had gone through, and it felt like the response was generic and uncaring, and quite frankly a slap in the face. I asked some questions, especially asking about protocol and why only two of us in the entire church had this happen, and that I had hoped none of my other sisters would go through what I did so that is why I was writing  (As so many other bishops were not responding the way my Bishop did) and the response was literally “Be happy and glad you are a part of Gods church” I did not get ONE answer to any of my questions. Which felt like what they  were saying was “That’s nice, but we don’t care”, with that said, I guess at least they responded.Despite that, I am still going to church every Sunday, I am still active. I know where God wants me.

During this whole ordeal Ordain Women took me under their wing. (Which also has men in the group, by the way!  :)) From the beginning, they were there, no matter what questions I asked, or how many times I talked to them, mess that I was at the time. Not telling me what I should do, but treating me with LOVE. This is the only place where I have ever felt completely safe to talk about my feelings in their entirety and I didn’t feel I would be judged.

I have seen, opposite that, Women who have been ostracized from their wards.
 I have seen these women called names, told they are the “Spawn of Satan” (Of which I guess I am a part now apparently; p) Told they are going to hell and much, much worse. And yet, not ONE of them has responded back in kind.

I think it may be because in her wisdom, Kate Kelly (The founder of Ordain Women) has had training meetings and online helps where all of we women from Ordain Women can go to learn how to react to people who are rude, mean, or calling us names. (She is also a human rights Lawyer) I am just glad that I have them to talk to.

The Church just responded recently to our request for tickets to the Priesthood session April 5th, “Jessica Moody said any demonstration should be kept to the free-speech zones outside Temple Square. "If you feel you must come and demonstrate, we ask that you do so in free speech zones adjacent to Temple Square, which have long been established for those wishing to voice differing viewpoints."

Kate Kelly, the Founder of Ordain Women disapproved. "The free-speech zone is an inappropriate place for us to be because we're not demonstrating against the Church — we're active participants," Kelly said. "We see ourselves as faithful, active members of the Church and far from fighting against the Church, we are the Church." They also said there has been dialogue. There has NOT. I know this because the leaders of Ordain women (who I know personally)  have talked to (As in- in person) to the church spokesperson about talking to church leaders and she said that she would get back to them and never did, despite numerous emails. They were just ignored.


Since that "P.R.  statement the Ordain Woman Facebook site has shot up to over 2200 on their Facebook page.

I was invited to join with them at one of the loneliest times in my life to a place where I can talk to people who love, understand and see where I am coming from. Unlike so many sites where I have seen people flinging mud at each other, this site has had NO arguments and name throwing, just because it is a peaceful place. It is a place of comfort with smart, spiritual, prayerful, intellectual women close to their God who have dug deeper into the church and its history than any women I have ever known before.  I am proud to call them my friends. This is the most loving atmosphere I have ever seen online. (My husband understands but still…though he is a good man, sometimes you just need a woman to talk to)  

Over $9000 has poured into the donation fund to send women to Utah to stand with us April 5th after that  P.R letter, one man even stated that he is donating BECAUSE of that P.R letter from Jessica Moody. (Who is NOT the Prophet by the way. My understanding is that in the past when the 12 and General Authorities have not agreed completely, they send out a P.R. letter and don’t sign it.)  When African American men were denied the Priesthood there was a letter too. And they said that it was doctrine (set in stone) that they would never have the Priesthood. That is what they told us in this last P.R letter, thta it was doctrine that women didn't have the Priesthood.

It changed for African American men.

I believe one day it will change for women.

After that P.R announcement, I prayed about going. I was torn.

I had planned to stay in the comfort of my own home snuggled up with my husband watching LDS conference, as we always do, as its tradition. We even have treats and traditions we do during conference and I will miss that. Not only that, but this is terrifying. I don’t know what will happen. It’s the Unknown that scares me. The last time those women went they were shut out at one point by a garbage truck (No I am not kidding- Here is the picture)

This time, I need to leave the comfort of my home, to comfort my sisters. I want to be with them. I love them.

After all, isn't that what Christ would do? To comfort those in need of comfort. Heal the brokenhearted, LOVE. It is after all the most important. Not judgement.  LOVE.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

St Francis And The Bird

I heard this as a very simple story and I don't know who wrote it (Please if anyone knows who wrote it tell me...) but I have majorly embellished it...It appeals to my inner storyteller so I took some time today to re-write it... I love St Francis- ( There is a a statue that hopefully soon I hope to have in my back yard... I know weird for a Mormon girl, but I am a big bird lover and I had a beautiful canary aviary at one point... and LOVE St Francis) So here is the story, with my embelishments... :)

St Francis And The Bird

A little bird used to greet St Francis every morning with his singing.

But one day he went to the window, and St Francis was not there.

Perplexed, the little bird went and asked every animal who knew St Francis if they knew where he was, but nobody knew,

Then he asked the wise old owl..The wise old owl said "St Francis has gone to heaven",

To which the little bird said "If he has gone to heaven, then I want go there too"!

He started flying, as high as he could, soaring high above the trees but it still wasn't high enough. He flew higher and higher and he felt his wings grow weaker and weaker, his little heart beating wildly
 in his chest.

His wings felt heavier and heavier until he knew he could go no further. 

In exhaustion he closed his eyes and his body gave out, his little body plummeting towards the earth .If he could not be with his friend, then there was nothing else he wanted.

Suddenly, the wind picked up, the clouds parted , and the sun shone on St Francis little friend. 

The little bird looked up to see the smiling face of his dear friend St Francis. It gave the little bird hope and his wings suddenly didn't hurt anymore..

In an instant the wind caught the little birds wings and carried him upward, up and up into the arms of St Francis.

And that is why all animals go to heaven

Monday, February 3, 2014


I am a HUGE Seahawks fan…When we are doin well I wear my Seahawks dress to church. I’m pretty proud of that thing. When we are not doing well I tend to feel like a mom who can’t watch her kids do badly and I have to turn away.

The year we went to the Superbowl with Matt Hasselbeck, I bet someone that the Seahawks would win the Cowboys.

I got a free Matt Hasselbeck jersey out of it.

But then we lost the Superbowl. I think Hasselbeck completely carried the team and was an incredible player. But 1 person can only handle so much pressure and shouldn’t have to. I still am mad at the Steeler Alumni refs who stole our super bowl, AND our touchdowns.

I was in the stadium when the defeated Seahawks came home. I had a BIG sign that said


Not only that but for years afterword’s I had a Superbowl sticker on my car that I changed partially in black marker that said “STUPIDBOWL”. I’m still mad about that.

Now let me tell you about my winning streak.

Over years, I have put my name in drawings to win things at my husband’s work, my work, and anywhere else… I once won a singing contest for valentine’s day for KOMO radio here in Seattle for singing “I’ve Got A Crush On You”. I don’t know why, but I always win.

THIS year…I have had WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too much fun with a guy friend on Facebook… The conversation went something like this…

Me- "So since the girls wimped out(;p none of the girls would bet me) do any of the boys want to bet me a Superbowl jersey that they win? (Seahawks Jersey for me if I win and I'llI buy a Broncos jersey for you if you do) anybody game? Damien? Ryan? or any other rabid fan that I know? This year...FINALLY were gonna WIN! Seahawks...YEAH"!!!!

Ryan: “ I would totally take that bet if I were at all in control of the checkbook, Heidi dear!”

ME-    “Lol Ryan:p”

Ryan      “Doof”.

Me-“ Yeah, we know who is control of the checkbook at my house;p Guess its the same”

Damien “hope your superwoman cape rips off and smacks Russell Wilson in the face on a game winning drive” . (My profile pic is Wonder Woman on Facebook cause I dressed up like her wig and all…:p)

Me-“It will make him FLYYYYY”!

Damien-“ that’s ok too....cuz that’s a penalty.... well....unless you have the refs from the niner game...smh"

Me-"Haha" ;p

Me- “So anyone else game? Or no one else brave enough to bet me”?

Me-“I see lots of Seahawks logos on peoples profile pictures so there's not many people to bet...And the Empire State Building has our colors too because we beat out the Broncos in a vote...anybody brave enough to bet me”?

Damien " Sure...”I'll take it...but you'll owe me a Niners Jersey... And of course everyone you see on your profile has Seahawk pictures....smh....thats”

Me-“Ok, I'll bet you that Damien. GAME TIME!  (Well, Sunday anyway)(I may be yelling at the TV a little louder than usual this year:p And if Broncos lose I will get you some 49ers consolation stuff anyway”

Damien-"ha. ha. ha".

Me “PICK UP WIND”;p lol Te he.... Ok, so if Broncos win I will get you a 49ers Jersey...So we on”?

Damien- “ should just buy it”

Damien “It's on like Donkey Kong”!!!!!

Me- “I'm lookin at it as the wind in my sails that the Seahawks will win this year!  At Damien”...;p

Damien-“And you have to take a picture of yourself wearing that jersey”...

Me- “Oh Yeah? You mean of the Seahawks one you’re gonna get me when I win”

Me " Ok...I'll do that":)

Me-“Now you and Ryan can yell at the TV when Seahawks win. Were gonna swoop down and poop all over the horses. Oh...I can't believe I just said that”...

Damien- "last I checked....the weather was good...

Me-“Yeah, if you’re a popsicle!”!

Damien-  50 degrees isn’t cold....besides....the Broncos have played in that weather but not the Seaducks!

Me  “Ok, so were on for Sunday January 30 2114”

When Seattle put a 747 up that had the Seahawks logo I stuck it on Facebook…and HERE WE GOOOOOO

Damien- “They better not fly it on Sunday...cuz it's going to go down”!!!! lol

Me- “Legion of boom! ( in your yard haha!)”!!!!:D

Damien-  “Little Seahawk Lego plane.....awww....legion of thump...hehe”.

Me-“LEGION OF DOOM...FOR YOU! ;p Bowing coming soon to a neighborhood. On YOU! (R HOUSE) KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM! Lol” HEE HEE!!!

Damien- “more like aaaa-chooo! Lol”

Me-Lol  “More like the full blown FLU VIRUS!!! Gonna STOMP YA”!

Damien-“its ok cuz the broncos have the vaccine!!!! Lol”....

Me-"Risk of Human-to-Human Spread of Deadly New Bird Flu Virus Higher Than Previously Thought". Lol There is NO CURE!

Damien- “They are going to stomp you!!!! Seahawks don’t stomp....they”

Damien -"Pfft.....I am the cure....bird flu proof"!

Me-"Grab and STOMP. ( Hermione sais Flick and twist)"

Damien –“you are going to look great in that niners jersey....cant wait”!!

Me-“Oh yeah??? Well this will look great on me:P(Picture) On the off chance you win which one you want”?

Damien Henderson- " since you said torture....Crabtree will do!!!! lol"

Me-“I thought so”...

Me- “I might have to get Sherman...but honestly, I'm trying to decide if I like Wilson on Lynch better...on the fence...Just that ball slap was a once in a lifetime...and man, if that didn't get us to the Superbowl, I don't know what did"...(Not his” (I’m getting Wilson)

When this started circulating the internet course I couldn’t resist posting thid

To which Damien said…

Damien " No one knows better than Gandolf the White a.k.a Magneto!!!! THE SEAHAWKS SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!!!! *bright light*....hahha"

Me-"Well at least Patrick Stewart got the jersey right"...

Me-"His (Ians) choice in colors is atrocious. Lol... Bad fashion choices leads to a LOSER!! Dress for success dude"!!!

Me- "(your comment still made me laugh though)"; p

My seeing “Frozen” (The movie)..That wasn’t even exempt…lol…my status…”Saw Frozen..loved it”

Damien- "Like the Seahawks defense".

Me- "Or you mean like Payton Manning when he gets run over by our DEFENSE! Our mojo is STRONG!”

When the game started it started out in our favor and just didn’t stop. It was almost as if the Broncos put Vaseline on their ball and we had magnets on ours…talk about two completely different ways for the ball to go for each team, almost as if the ball just gravitated towards the Seahawks. 

The first touchdown, how the guy just walked over everybody…that was cool…and the ball getting taken by our team over and over…It got to the point where I was posting on Facebook like…"Oh…there’s the ball. It’s OURS. AGAIN! HEHEHHEHE! And WHOAH!!! Just got the ball from PEYTON MANNING"!!! 

And posting memes like this…lol and no touchdowns until after the first quarter…

Someone posted…22 and 0!!! First complete half time shut out since Super Bowl 35!!! Soooo I posted “Ryan…I just talked to the Seahawks and I made them promise they would give the Broncos ONE touchdown before we win, LOL! ;p HEE HEE!!!!!…” before the one and only touchdown…I find that hilarious.;p . But I’ll admit even I felt bad for Peyton Manning. He is normally such an incredible player.
So “First touchdown of the game to Broncos finally happened...even the Seahawks clapped for them...cause they felt just got another one...meh...were stlll ahead…At least they don't have to lose with no points lol”

Near the end of the game the boys had gotten the ball so many times, and scored so many touchdowns that I think they started to get seriously excited. That’s when it started to get funny….and dangerous…lol… this is what I posted “Ok boys stop getting so excited that you knock your own players out ”. HAHA!!! 

Yeah…Sherman got hurt by one of his own teammates… Weird…but kind of funny in a sad kind of way…though I feel sorry for him. Others are saying its Karma…but that Peyton Manning had the class to go and see how Sherman was doing after the game speaks volumes about the guy. Sometimes it’s what you do off the field, even if you don’t win that shows what kind of man you are. That Sherman tweeted afterword’s that “I could learn a thing or two from Peyton Manning” says a lot…maybe he will mellow out. (Even though that head smack from Crabtree was pretty uncool…)I hope so because he really is a VERY good player. Despite that, Sherman is the reason we GOT to the Superbowl…

The real class act of the day to me was Russell Wilson talking about his dad saying "Why not you"? Being told he was too small to play and despite that beating ALL the odds. What an incredible player, not to mention a team leader. Inspirational even. Telling the team "Why not us" carrying on the tradition from his father. Pretty classy guy.  I think I'm going to be wearing the number 3 from now on

Which made me giggle…and the conversation….

Paree -"Omg! Heidi will love this one"!


Me-"I'm a gittin me a SHIRT"!!

Me-"Note Damien is"

Paree -"Duly noted".

Damien " what size?? smh"....

Me-"I must say, those are COOL jerseys! (The Seahawks;p) Lol"

Me-" gonna sing me a song?";p (We are both on a karaoke site)

“We are the Champions? And wear a wig? You can even wear falsies. I’ll get a large women sized Jersey…just for you."



Damien-" grrr".....

Awwwwwww…sing me the song of my PEOPLE! ;p

Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Road Less Traveled..My Nightmare Of a Month,and Miracles...

The Beginning of my Nightmare...

(My thoughts are still in Flux, so expect updates... Yes its already a novel.)

I was sitting, lost in my thoughts in the last class in church, what we call Relief society. (A class of all the women in our ward) I had heard in the first meeting of the day, a talk on Truth and standing up for it, and was pondering those thoughts.

Today, I was meeting with the Bishop and Stake President because a church member decided to tell my Bishop about my writing on Facebook my feelings on women and the Priesthood.

That was the beginning of the nightmare.

I thought everything was ok as my bishop had interviewed me once and said that He didn't see a problem "as he did not see anything I did was apostate and that he didn't know if  women having the Priesthood would ever happen or if it wouldn't, but through revelation".

I was relieved I didn't have to deal with it anymore and that I could just go to church and be left alone to Worship without being harassed.

Then I got asked by the Bishop to meet again regarding the 2nd temple recommend question… "Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or *individual* whose teachings or *practices* are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?"

That question, one that was written up in the time that there were members who were a part of unions or masons as well as Mormons and Polygamy…that is what that question had to do with then, if I understand it correctly.

Everyone else I have talked to and especially, I have asked the Ordain Woman organization if anyone has specifically lost their temple recommend over being involved with Ordain Women.

No one had.

No one person in my church has had their temple recommend taken away over being involved with Ordain women…even as far up as Utah… but I was told mine would be taken by my Bishop (I will not disclose his name here)  if I answered yes to this second Temple recommend question.

I am worthy in every other way to go to the Temple, but I believe that women should hold the Priesthood and I am a part of a group "Ordain Women" who have been nothing but respectful in their cause, and the group themselves tell us to be nothing BUT respectful.

I have felt nothing but immense love and support from these women. These women even asked me if they could fast for me on the day I was to have this interview asking me that second question.

The interesting thing is, amazing things, even surprising things have happened to me leading up to this meeting. God was giving me a message, and letting me know in NO uncertain terms, that he was with me, just as he always has been.

 I am NOT alone. I never was.

For a month now, I have had interviews with my Bishop. It had literally given me severe, horrible stomachaches, making me wonder if an ulcer is next.

I just want to be left alone to worship.

Again…The first interview, seemingly, at least to me, went well. I really felt we had a good talk on my feelings and that we understood each other. Maybe not completely agreed, but understood.

I thought.

Then a week or two later he mentioned that he wanted to meet with me over the 2nd temple question (The one above ")

Then almost 2 weeks went by, with my getting anxious wondering why I hadn't met with him yet, so just so he would know I wasn't trying to avoid him, I went to his office and asked him if he still wanted to meet and talk. He said yes…So we agreed that we would meet at my house.

I had really thought about this 2nd temple worthiness question… pertaining to this question (Remember, again, the question was started with Polygamy, Masons and unions in mind, with the Masons and unions being changed to not hurt members for being involved (I read up on it) though of course Polygamy is not ok…

If you look at it, my best friend, who is a 70 year old Atheist/Agnostic could be considered that, heck, if your married to a non-member, it could be considered that, hell, if you have a husband or friend who looks at porn,(I don't look at it and am not into it but if someone's not Mormon, it kinda fits into the FREE AGENCY side of things that Mormons are supposedly so fervently for (I know I am like that at least) then that is none of my business! I know 2 friends at least who are into porn, as they have told me they are, but does that make me unworthy, because I know them and love them? I don't think so!  If you have a friend who drinks coffee, A friend who is of ANY other religion, you could answer yes. In my mind the very question makes it so you avoid non- members like the plague. How is that right?  I certainly don't believe I should avoid ANYONE just because they have different beliefs than me, and I NEVER will!

Some of my best friends aren't Mormon.

Gay, Straight, lesbian, a 70 year old Atheist friend-Who is a VERY good friend by the way! Am I going to be asked to give her up too? She is one of my most treasured friends.  I would rather be like Jesus than the pretended pious people who killed him. He hung out with the sinners, the people who were HUMBLE, the salt of the earth.

And he LOVED them.

This little Ordain Women group, they have been nothing but respectful, are NOT against the church, they say all kinds of things on the site but you can pick and choose what you want to believe yourself…they are not forcing it down my throat…

My 70 year old friend fits the description, and she is no shrinking violet, but don't we ALL know people who have different beliefs that we affiliate with? Shouldn't that be ok???

Precurser to the Meeting.

That week before the meeting with the Bishop I went to the Temple.

Especially when things are hard and I need inspiration. I go there to BEG for peace.

I was sitting in what we call the Celestial room after what we call a session. It's beautiful. All white, a big chandelier in the middle…beautiful tables and couches, all white…

But...I had sat through the session in tears...begging, PLEADING even for divine guidance and to know he was there.

I grabbed the Scriptures, sat down and said a long, heartfelt prayer pleading for help, pleading and trying not to cry, asking for knowledge… that I would know what I need to do.

Then I do what I always do when I am there.

I close my eyes, I open the scriptures to wherever they fall, and see if God has a message for me.

I closed my eyes, opened them, and right in front of my eyes was the word "Progress" That made me catch my breath.

On the other side of that was the word "Profanity".

Now THAT almost made me laugh out loud.

Right after the Bishop called to make sure on the second appointment, I was swearing like a sailor.

I guess God wants me to curb my mouth.

That also proves that God has a sense of humor.

Thank you God. ;p

Second meeting with the Bishop

We met at my house and as usual, he seemed pleasant, but very polite.

We went over the thoughts he and I both had, me talking about how Joseph Smith himself had given the Priesthood to women, and that from what I understood, that had been taken away in the 1800s (It started by the Relief Society that had been run by women starting out, getting disbanded, then to turning Relief Society over to men being over the women in it by Brigham Young: then later Joseph F Smith had completely taken the Priesthood  away from women , as women used to bless each other… if I am understanding it right. It is another parallel to my African American brothers, as the Priesthood was also unfairly  taken away from my African American brothers  by Brigham young ) which meant to me that the Ordain Women Group was NOT going against the church because our FOUNDER of the religion himself ordained his wife Emma as a Priestess, (If that is true- and from what I read and studied, it IS in Mormon History) but the Bishop told me that what modern Prophets teach is what matters now, Not Joseph Smith, which hits me as odd because our whole religion is based off of Joseph Smiths first vision… and the Ordain Women group is not going against the church in my mind…are they teaching against the church?

No… they are just asking our Prophet to pray about it.

 I told Bishop I didn't know how to answer that second question because as of right now they don't teach women's ordination…By now I was getting angry.

So he asked for my Temple recommend, and I told him I wanted to talk to the Stake President (One up from him) it was getting later and later, so we parted ways and he said we would meet the next week. BY now I was completely drained and just exhausted, feeling completely misunderstood.

Lesson in a Christmas tree

We put our Christmas tree up the 1st week of November... I was sitting on our couch thinking about what had just happened and how wronged I felt, pleading for help...I was looking at the tree when something told me pay attention.. there is a lesson in your tree... when it hit me... that tree gets taken down every year, yet every year its built back up to where it is something beautiful again... Then the thought came... people, circumstances and things can tear us down... our tree (really) is taken down every year... it gets torn down (or in mine or anyone's case, things can humble you) yet God builds you back up despite everything done to you and you become something beautiful again...

Kind of a cool message.

The next week was a whirlwind of thoughts, and things that happened that led me even MORE to believe that I needed to do what was right, to stand up for my convictions.

One of the women from Ordain women asked if she could fast for me that day of the interview and asked if she could set up a fast day with others. I said, of course, I need all the help I can get.

One day as I was standing in the kitchen, I was encompassed by such an enormous feeling of love that I started crying, and felt it so strongly I had to go upstairs bawling to tell my husband about it… I was still a mess, but that love carried me through to the next day, and the next.

I was looking up some things when Joe (My huz) and I came upon this

It was as if it was given to me to prepare for EVERYTHING that was talked about in the interview. I read about how a group of my African American Brothers and sisters in the church had a group they put together called the "Genesis group" a group put together to see what they needed to do and petition the church on African Americans and the Priesthood

Their Genesis group walked to the Church Office building to ask for the Priesthood.

This last October, my group, Ordain Women, walked to the Priesthood session to ask to be admitted.

The Genesis group had 300

My little Ordain Women group had almost 200.(If you look on Facebook there are almost 1500…)

I started to see a Parallel.

They were told they were separate but equal

Women are told we are separate but equal.

They were told they were not valiant in the pre-existence (Our church believes we were in heaven before we came down here) and that they weren't spiritual enough (Which is REDICULOUS- not spiritual enough? Not valiant enough??? Everything we teach goes against that!!!)

We women are told that we are TOO spiritual and don't need it.

That Sunday I was to meet with the Bishop, I woke up feeling completely peaceful, calm. Like I had been put inside this bubble and I was protected, like God just took his arms and wrapped them around me.

As I was sitting in the kitchen, something told me that my Temple recommend was something that would be required, (for now) as a sacrifice that I had to make at this moment. I shook that off, I didn't want to have to think about something I hold most dear being taken away unfairly…yet, I still felt peaceful.

That day of the interview (Sunday) I woke up and checked out an email from my Bishop, (later I found out that I was protected even from that email.)

 I read it, but it didn't register. Later on I was going to church when the thought came that I wanted to look at that email again…something told me, don't look at it until after your interviews are over, so I waited.

The talks and lesson that day was on Truth and standing up for Truth, not only that, but the closing song in Relief Society RIGHT before I was to go and have my interview with the Bishop was the song

"Do What Is Right" 

Only the first verse...

Do what is right; the day-dawn is breaking,
Hailing a future of freedom and light.
Angels above us are silent notes taking
Of ev'ry action; then do what is right!

Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

(I remembered the other verses after class, and my mouth just dropped.)

Do what is right; the shackles are falling.
Chains of the bondsmen no longer are bright;
Lightened by hope, soon they'll cease to be galling.
Truth goeth onward; then do what is right!

Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.
Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.
Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.
Blessings await you in doing what's right!

Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

THAT was my answer. I had felt it, I THOUGHT knew it, now, without a doubt,

 I KNEW what I needed to do. I had to stand for the Truth.

I couldn't not deny it. I would NOT deny it. For my sisters, for my daughter, for their daughters, for generations of women who frankly, deserve better.

It's as if EVERY word in that song that day was written for me.

I knew what I needed to do before, but THIS cemented even more my resolve. THIS was a direct answer to WEEKS of praying.

I realize how much clarity I had when I could have been a mess. That in itself is a miracle. ESPECIALLY because in my past is a VERY abusive father who would cut me down and any time I talked to him, or anyone in my family… I was stressed out, I would freeze up and my mind would go blank (In my OLD LDS home life, my dad was the epitome of unrighteous dominion, beating me unconscious many times.) When I finally got out of the house I would be talking to people and when I realized they were actually LISTENING to me it would freak me out! THEN my mind would go blank again.

In this meeting, My REAL, LOVING heavenly father was telling me that MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE VALID…that I don't have to be afraid of my mind going blank anymore.

 That feeling, thankfully, is GONE...HE IS WITH ME.

I had an incredible peace the whole time I was talking to my Bishop and Stake President...(I had asked my Bishop for the Stake Presidents email and phone # numerous times and no matter how many times I asked, he wouldn't give it to me. I finally found a way to find it myself on and I got in touch with him. The Stake President said we could meet that same day.)

All that day of those meetings I just got a feeling I was being protected, like I was in a big bubble the whole time...I didn't get angry, and EVERYTHING that I said felt right and good.

I had a feeling the men I talked to were just doing the best with what they were given.

I went in to talk to the Bishop completely calm.

As I talked to the Bishop I let him know what I believed, I wasn't angry, and I took some of the thoughts I had found from Edward Kimballs document on the Priesthood, which were incredible and had many parallels to the Ordain women movement.

Suddenly it seemed the Bishop was getting VERY angry with me. He said. "I'm just going to be blunt with you…I think you are being deceived".(That I thought was more than a little over the top.) to which I said "I have my truth and you have yours"... Even though he was angry, I still felt calm which was amazing under the circumstances.

He asked for my Temple recommend right then, but it felt more like he demanded it and wasn't asking. I just thought he sounded very, VERY angry.

So, I gave it to him. (Sigh)

 Despite that, I know that I am not in the wrong, and that God knows I am worthy. I sincerely believe that EVERYTHING I have prayed and pleaded about I got answers to.

I am sad, but I feel my temple recommend is a sacrifice that is required for me for NOW. I don't know why, but through whatever I am required to do, I have been shown in more ways that I am saying here that God IS with me.

I hope the decision the Bishop made to take away my temple recommend will be turned around at some point.

I have heard dozens upon dozens of people say that they got their temple recommends despite saying yes to the second question that I talked to him about as people are married to non LDS members, and have friends who have different beliefs… I DO believe the time will come when it is right and things will change. Whether it is in this life or the next I believe the day will come that women hold the Priesthood

( To find out why I believe so strongly read here)

 I am at peace with what happened, though I hope in my lifetime things change. .

I am just amazed at the peacefulness of it all, despite all the anger towards me and accusations...

This last 3 weeks, it has felt like a witch hunt.

This whole time I have felt like I have been covered by his grace.... (I attribute a HUGE part of it to those who were fasting and praying for me that day…)

That wasn't the end of the appointments, as I had also made an appointment with the Stake President that day.

Right away when I walked in, I set down my highlighted papers on his desk, scooted the chair up to his desk and asked him if I could read what I had underlined…he said no, that he would rather we just talk. Then he started talking very fast, which surprised me, as at first he wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise until I think he realized that I wasn't purposefully trying to cause contention and then he slowed down and we had a good meaningful conversation.  He told me that there isn't any way I could answer no to the 2nd temple recommend question...(Which I thought was quite unfair. As it is supposed to be up to ME how to answer the questions.)

With THAT said, he wasn't as hardcore with me as the Bishop. I felt more love coming from him despite what he was saying. He then said he has seen temple recommend questions change three times during his Presidency and that if someday that happened that I would have my recommend back.  I think he realized that I was sincerely asking questions, unlike when I talked to the Bishop, I just felt condemnation.

The Stake President also brought up, that in the Temple the women do the same things the men do THEMSELVES, (Which I won't go into) but he said they do it without the  Priesthood…which I have ALWAYS believed they have done under the authority of the Priesthood as I have seen it…It's all about this amazing spirit and power that comes from God.  (My husband has said that he believes that men don't HAVE the Priesthood, the Priesthood has them- I believe that, and I also believe that God is the one who decides who has the Priesthood, who is worthy, and who is NOT, despite men saying someone does or doesn't. GOD decides. )

To me, how could it NOT be the same thing? It IS the SAME!

But I didn't tell him that.

The Stake President then said to me "If the men had half the desire you have to hold the priesthood and bless others, as I can see you have, you wouldn't need to do this...

Which made me sad to think that he was missing the point…

I asked him then, what about single women, then he said something about separate but equal...and I said, (placing my hand on that stack of papers that I had highlighted and wanted to talk about)  that was the exact wording that was used when it came to my African Americans brothers and its being used with Women...

The thing that was amazing to me was that it was as if everything I had read was in preparation for this moment…it was as if it was given to me EXACTLY what I was supposed to say.

At the beginning of the day, something told me I needed to ask the Stake President and Bishop to give me a Blessing…At the end of the interview, I asked for a blessing from them, which in my church they do by laying their hands on a person's head and say what they believe God wants them to say…what I remember is that the Stake President told me that  "Heavenly father knows the desires of my heart".

Yes, he does.

Through everything, I REALLY felt, the ENTIRE time, that I had this sense of peace...that there was this shield over me, a protection if you will, and a feeling of intense love that told me everything is ok, that God loves me, and that it was going to take a sacrifice on my part when it came to this moment…

I don't know why, but sometimes in this life, sadly, there is no answer.

At least not for now.

I more I have thought about it, I believe the reason I am here, at THIS time is for THIS moment. This, above all else, is the stand I have been called to make.

I am at peace with it. (Sort Of) I'll admit, it is unfair, BUT I KNOW I am worthy, I know God knows I am worthy, and THAT is all that matters.

That I lost my Temple recommend for something as small as being involved in a group of like-minded, GOOD, peaceful women who have been nothing but a support to me feels like a slap in the face after everything I have been through in my life, (Those of you who read my blogs know what a miracle it literally is that I am alive, as my LDS home life was so violently abusive) but somehow, I am at peace..

I know that I am worthy in every other way to enter the Temple, and God knows it. I KNOW it.

With all that said something else miraculous happened that day.

 I was literally protected that day from an email that the Bishop sent...I had looked at it that morning but the amazing thing is what he was saying didn't's bizarre. On the way to church I thought about looking at it again…something told me; wait till after your interview. So I did.

 I realize that if I would have really "seen" it I may not have been so calm talking to him. I would have been FURIOUS! (It's funny though, I look at the email now and realize what he was saying, and it is hurtful...I wonder if he was angry when he sent it.)

This is the Email...

"You don't have to go any further than the name of the group "Ordain Women" to know that they promote (and therefore teach) a doctrine that is contrary to that accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A quick visit to their website confirms that. (I don't believe he looked close enough)

I think that you are spiritual danger. The danger is not from me--to the contrary, I am trying to keep you safe if you will allow it. "

I said that I had such a peace when I was talking to the Bishop and Stake President...I believe that protection I was talking about feeling… that "shield "I felt, was literal...

 The email basically tells me that I he fears I am in "danger of losing my SOUL".

 THAT is quite a  BIG statement and VERY judgmental.

 I think if I would have gone into his office to talk to him yesterday with that actually registering, I would have gone in there angry with more of a 'HOW DARE YOU!" attitude instead of with the peace I felt…I cannot even wrap my head around the idea that he may believe that I am actually losing my soul just for being involved with a bunch of good, honest women with the desire to bless others, a righteous desire that is no less righteous than a boy that is given the Priesthood by our church, when we women, some single, some who want to bless our children, husband, friends when they are hurting, only want to be of service.

I have women friends who I know are hurting, could we not give a blessing of comfort as they may not be as willing to tell a man they barely know about it? Why would I lose my soul for wanting to bless my hurting loved ones???

 If I would have realized that he was saying I may lose my soul for such a thing…

I may not have been as calm and collected as I was when I talked to him.

Which brings me to what the Stake President said when I was meeting with him…

Again…to re-iterate…When I met with the Stake President said "If the men had half the desire you have to hold the priesthood and bless others, as I can see you have, you wouldn't need to do this... (Which made me think…you are MISSING THE POINT!

EVERYTHING, from the talks in Sacrament (On TRUTH!) to the music, ( The song we sang in Relief Society- "Do What Is Right" )  Tells me God is with me, even as I am writing this, I feel him with me still.

As I was writing this, The Road Less Traveled popped into my mind.

I think my whole life has been a search for Truth. A search for the good and right and honest road. It is not always a road that is an easy one.

It may be bumpy, I may fall and get scraped up and wear out the soles of my shoes (Not to be confused with my actual soul. HAHA! I ) My whole life I have been true to myself and those around me, despite what anyone thinks. The only thing that will EVER matter to me, is NOT what men or women think of me, but what GOD thinks of me. And his message of love to me is enough to carry me down ANY road to my final destination.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

Thursday, October 10, 2013



PLEASE READ IT. Your stomach will thank you;p

After ARE what you eat. It is THAT important.

If you read this and find it to be true for yourself, please, PLEASE spread this around. Information is POWER. Education is important. ESPECIALLY in this case. Future generations will thank you.

Power to the PEOPLE!

And just for good are the 64 countries that label GMO's;postID=5515466869373128153;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=0;src=postname

After November (When we vote in Washington (my home state) on I-522 I will be back to my regularly scheduled program;p lol

As we speak I am working on a blog about a absolutely devastating repressed memory and work with EMDR that completely changed my outlook. Amazing what a little machine can do. (Heres a CBS documentary showing how the brain is lit up in a PTSD person, (meaning that the brain is working too hard) and after EMDR what it looks like.)
 AMAZING therapy.

I think its the simple things that work that I think about it...thats even true with FOOD!

Lata gatas!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

GMO Facts and FICTION...What Is True, And What Is Not- So When You Vote On GMO Labeling You Can Make An Informed Decision

This is a quick recap for anyone who has been sent a pamphlet for the “No on I 522” AND the other states…as GMO labeling votes in many states are coming… 

No On I522 is sending out Pamphlets with misinformation…so I'm trying to get the word out.

1st LIE ON NO ON I 522- (To LABEL GMOS) "It would force farmers to implement costly new labels"

I KNOW as an old territory manager myself over grocery stores a few years back that ALL PACKAGING BY ANY COMPANY IS CHANGED AS OFTEN AS WE CHANGE OUR CLOTHES- they do it ALL THE is NORMAL. I used to stick the tags up for them ALL THE TIME. 

The only thing they would be doing is using a little ink or a sticker. It is NOT going to cost you more for food





4th LIE: The Campaign promoting I522 is funded by millions of $ from out of state corporations:

ACTUALLY...if you want to Call Organic Valley, Amy’s, Nature Valley and such Corporation’s...they are trying to de- personalize these HONEST makers of food who jump through hoops because there are so many govt. regulations to be organic that it costs THEM a lot of money to keep you informed...

Another interesting fact...the "source" Washington state Research Control" on the pamphlet we have all been sent here in Washington state is actually a group Monsanto (GMO) paid for "research"

And Theeeeeeeeeeeere you have it.

And I can’t help but add this womans story…This woman had a very sick child…UNTIL she changed to ORGANIC.

And just for a balanced view…here is a good link about pros and cons of GMOS- The cons start at page 7 A very informative read.