Monday, September 26, 2016

When Mormons Don't Leave You Alone, You Write Them a Letter Dammit!




When I left mormonism, it was for many reasons. (Many of which became blogs on this site.)


There was one big determining factor (the bigotry)


The worst part is living with a neighbor who had a rental  kitty corner from my house.


He used to live down the street, but moved into his rental.


That makes him kitty corner from my house now.


Shit.


He just does NOT want to let go. (I know it has nothing to do with his moving into his rental but...)

SHIT.

1st when I talked to him about issues about the church I’ve dealt with as a woman he just didn’t get it, and later when I would ge walking at a beautiful protected forest he would stop me and bother me when I just wanted to go for a walk.


Most times he tried to tell me how I should feel as a woman in the church (found in blog here) which doesn’t work because I am a woman. He is NOT.





I left the church, and he kept bugging me. He was the ward mission leader (last time I checked) and missionaries would try to wheedle their way into my house ( details below) I would not let them in, though one time Joe answered the door and they supposedly “ had to use the bathroom.” (what, so they could mark us off on their checklist that they saw us or something???) Even though the neighbors lived no more that a few feet away…


Last week that same neighbor came over and gave me his business card, talked to me for a while about making money for himself through a lawn care business, of which he pitched to me, when my phone went off.


It made me laugh.


My ringtone is Muses song “Defector.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzbFxLNpguM


After he left I let a friend who is Mormon on Facebook know that I just wanted him to leave me alone..she told him at church that “I just wanted him to leave me alone” (what she told me she told him at church)  and he came up with this whopper.


Heidi,
I said I would get back to you about the yard waste disposal proposal.

Unfortunately, I must let this note suffice after learning that I must have said something that offended.


Although I wish I knew what it was, I’m sorry and will not initiate any further contact.


She never even said that! So he’s lying. I seriously need to MOVE.


In the meantime, I wrote this...


Mr------------ (and Mrs-----------I appreciate you as you have not bothered me but have respected my wishes. Thank you.)


But Mr -------------, you have NOT respected my wishes in the past. It feels, as before when I’ve talked to you, that you’ve completely misunderstood me AGAIN.


And it reminds me of my experience with mormons and how they have NO idea what boundaries are. Or even how to HAVE them. Or how to treat others with respect when someone puts up a boundary and a mormon tries to SHOVE through that boundary. You have NO idea how incredibly infuriating it is.


And trying to force things on people who don’t want anything to do with Mormonism is arrogant. Mormons aren’t the only ones who are happy. I know PLENTY of people who just ARE (happy) that have nothing to do with religion- it just has hurt way, WAY too many women. I AM happy, I just want to be left alone.


Its nice that you talked about your daughter and how she is as I really have a love for her.


But I don’t care about anyone's perceptions of me or if you think I’m a good person. Saying what you did there felt like a judgement that just honestly doesn’t matter to me one way or the other. .


Which makes me think of this- I have a wooden plaque in my house that sais this (From Mother Teresa)


  1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
  2. Love them anyway.
  3. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
  4. Do good anyway.
  5. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
  6. Succeed anyway.
  7. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
  8. Do good anyway.
  9. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
  10. Be honest and frank anyway.
  11. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
  12. Think big anyway.
  13. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
  14. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
  15. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
  16. Build anyway.
  17. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
  18. Help people anyway.
  19. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
  20. Give the world the best you have anyway.


Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
        I
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.


Ok, the church talks about “ choosing to be offended” and that’s NOT what this is as you assumed I was offended  in your letter you put at my door. (my friend never said anything about me being offended either, she just said “I wanted no contact.” That’s straight from what she said on facebook..)


I am freaking triggered by you.


I am triggered by you, and the mormons I know from around here. I have PTSD attacks. That I have PTSD attacks because of my incredibly abusive father and because of the church is saying a LOT. You have NO idea how traumatic for me it is for me to talk to you or any other member I run into.


After I talked to you, I had to go inside for a couple hours until I stopped shaking. I know that I can’t be hurt anymore, but for some reason my body doesn’t.

I imagine you know nothing about PTSD (maybe you do, I don’t know. )


But your talking to me is triggering when I really don’t want to be bothered- I just want to be left alone.


PTSD is sometimes called PTSI (it is starting to be called post traumatic stress injury by  psychotherapists and military because that’s what it is, an injury. )


I go to therapy for first, abuse where I almost died from my father’s strangling me, among other things, to the abuse from the church, because that’s exactly what it was, abuse.

Unrighteous dominion.


Just seeing you and talking to you felt to me like you were trying so hard to choose your words carefully. Your being uncomfortable made me uncomfortable because honestly, again...I didn’t want to talk to you.


There have been way too many judgmental (not to mention ungodly, unloving (it was ANYTHING BUT LOVING) things done to me over that period that I was interrogated for a month by the old bishop. So much so that I had an ulcer over it until I went with a friend from church to a conference where Anita Moorjani (who had a near death experience like I did) talked about how her father who tried to force her into an arranged marriage. He (her father) was in heaven and that didn’t matter there, not the arranged marriage, or religion, or things taught here. The only thing that mattered was love. She said we have no idea how magnificent we are. And how loved we are. That God is love. That’s all I needed to let go of the abuse from the church, and it gave me the courage to let go of limiting beliefs that I know in my heart for me are wrong. I still remember while I was there at that conference just finally letting go,  but I still have things I am working through because of the abuse.


I don’t like worrying about going outside my house and being bothered by mormons (whether it be missionaries- which has happened- or lady missionaries- which has happened too.) They said hi and then I walked to the house wanting them to leave me alone and they snuck up behind me as I was walking to my house to go inside. I turned around and they were at my door so I shut it in their face.


I just want to be left alone in my own freaking yard!


Once Male missionaries  tried to get in my house by saying they needed to use the bathroom when your house was a few feet away. Other times I have been outside working on plants and such when they came up and started talking. Like a young man or woman knows anything about life etc trying to tell me how things are? Please!!!???!!!


One time I was out working on plants, I saw people go by to your house, and then I went to the store to find out two of the ward members waited till I was gone and bothered my husband asking him “can we come in” even though we just wanted to be left alone. (he didn't let them in)


I had resigned from the church with a lawyer who did it for thousands of us for free, (when the church came out very cruelly against people who are gay thousands of church members resigned, including me.)


That lawyer has also said if mormons bother us  any of us to let him know and he will press charges against any of you and he’ll said he will do it for free.


I am telling you this for good reason.


When I first went through what I did with Ordain Women I spoke to you. Instead of listening, you talked AT me, telling me what I’m supposed to feel as a woman, trying to mansplain away my feelings having NO idea what I was going through as a woman.


There’s just no way you will ever understand, no matter how long you talk.


Being misunderstood and talked about behind your back SUCKS, and I heard about the gossip about me from other friends at church


Mormons I’ve known from before will come up to me in a store asking me “how are you” and one person even said “I just want you to be happy” when I AM happy. Statements like that are REALLY arrogant and judgemental, because again, mormons don’t own the market on happiness, plenty of people I know who aren’t mormon ARE HAPPY.


I am perfectly happy just the way am. I am much, MUCH happier now than I ever was mormon going to church hearing so much bigotry and misogyny shaking my head and sad that people actually are being so closed minded towards Gods creation.


My near death experience taught me that God is love. SIMPLE. We complicate God. when he is LOVE.  If that was a religion, I would be that. I fall short plenty of times in that department, but I try.


I am still angry as hell at what was done to me by men acting like they are God when they are NOT.


If I have a definition for organized religion it is that organized religion is men’s excuse to play God. I will never, EVER join another religion. Men screw it up or say something and then say its of God when it is just men talking.


Lastly, I want to bring up a point...If there was someone in the past you dealt with that mowed you over on your feelings about church and then came over for “business” asking for money, how would you feel?


Waving hello is fine, I just honestly don’t want to talk to you. You don’t have to make me a project, feel like you have to say anything to be a good “Christian.” or feel like you have to fellowship me. I’d rather you don’t.


Just don’t.  


I have put up boundaries which too many Mormons have NOT respected. Which honestly, pisses me off.


Someday we will move, and to be blunt, it is BECAUSE there are mormons here. We want to move somewhere where we will be left alone with a lot of acreage out in the middle of nowhere.


I have heard on a website that in Florida many don’t even know anything about Mormons, so we may look into Florida.


As to everything else, God knows me a lot better than you, or any other mormon does. I’ll stick with THAT God. NOT the mormon God, thanks.


This letter will be on his front porch, bright and early (4:30 am at least.)



Wednesday, September 7, 2016

I Almost Committed Suicide On My 16th Birthday- And What I Would Say To her.

As my 47th birthday approaches, (it is now over) I am remembering an OLD birthday. (Also a conversation with some women on Facebook about abuse and what we went through and survived.)
MY life is SO different now.
My 16th birthday my parents "forgot" my birthday. On Purpose. (I found out later.)
I wrote a song about it years later.
"If"
Sitting on my bed alone
Holding shards of glass from my old dresser
If I slit my wrists, they'll find me here
My 16th birthdays come and gone
forgotten by the ones who are supposed to love
If I do it maybe they will finally care
I'm a shell anyway
A broken spirit inside here
No other way to make it clear
If I close my eyes and do it
Slip away
If I do it
I can fly away
If I don't
All thats left is more of the beatings that I get for being me
What is so bad about being me?
I'm afraid
Every time I speak I get beaten down
This time I can't get up
I'm afraid this time I've finally given up
SItting on my bed alone
Thinking thoughts no child should ever deal with
Come on now be brave
Just close your eyes
The feel of glass against my skin
All that was left was simply digging in
Blood would trickle down
Death stared me in the face
and it was more than once
Should I let my father kill me
Or should I do it myself
I'm worthless anyway
then I heard a voice say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes it’s bad
And I know it’s tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Have hope
Don't you dare give in
What is brave is not giving up
You won't live until you know you've found real love
And the glass fell from my hand
It was enough
SItting on my bed tonight
Next to someone who does understand me
I never thought life could be this way
Home was never a good thing
Until I found myself outside the other one
I can be myself
My life was meaningless
Now it is meaningful
So much that I have to give
I have so much to live for
I was fearful
Now I'm fearless
Theres so much in life that is worth living for
If your life is hell on earth
Know there were others before you
If I could talk to you
I'd be that voice and say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes its bad
And I know its tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed
If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Don't end it now
(I found out they "Unbirthdayed (is that a word?) all of we girls. ) Just my sisters all made up for it by decorating each other's lockers at school when that happened.
They never did it for me though.
My life was so bad at that house. Between my sisters and their cruelty, (their nickname for me was 'doughhead" as in "no brain." They treated me like I was stupid and when I talked I was ignored, because to my entire family, nothing I said was worth listening to. So I would speak up in this tentative little voice, and no one listened.
When I first went out into the real world, when people actually listened to what I had to say I would freeze and go blank, because I was not used to it.)
That doesn’t happen now..
I am not that 16 year old anymore.
I have come a LONG way baby! I am YEARS from being 16.
And life is GOOD.

Glad I stuck around. :)

Friday, August 26, 2016

APOSTATE!

The Mormon church calls you an apostate because you won't do what THEY want you to do while they hide behind God as if its Gods idea... (I keep seeing a Mormon neighbor and the way they look at me screams "apostate!"...I HATE it. )

I really need to move some day...but I ADORE my house and yard... its my safe place...sucks that it is this way, but life is good despite them. 

I believe that God wouldn't name ANYONE apostate. 

I think that God would call us anything, it would be child of God. 

One is based on FEAR and JUDGEMENT, the other on LOVE.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Star Trek and Suicide Squad

I saw two movies today and it got me thinking...

One was "Suicide Squad"...with seriously sassy chick Harley Quinn who acts dumb, but is actually VERY smart (psychologist gone "mad" smart) She "sirens" up and then kicks their asses.. (basically she  plays on men's "stupidity- could look at it two ways, dumb blonde, or SMART blonde who PLAYS stupid so she can lure men into the cage where she is to again...kick their asses for messing with her...)

There were scenes of men beating up women, talking down to them...honestly pissed me off.

WTF is wrong with Hollywood???
THEN we saw Star Trek "Darkness" and I think I just met my all time favorite female character EVER. "Jayla." http://www.bustle.com/…/173316-jaylah-in-star-trek-beyond-w…
Damn...she kicks ASS. AND is smart as hell. The only other character I've liked that much is the red haired elf in The Hobbit series...

There needs to be more kick ass women in movies...women who stand on their own 

On a side note... interesting,,,
I've noticed something..Star Trek is one of the first movies that treats women equally, in my mind anyway...and not just like eye candy.

Also, movies lately have been showing gay men and women...  

I think its the evolution of this century...

Like when they started showing African Americans and white people as couples way back when in the movies...
We ARE evolving. 
And when we look back we will see how this century changed. And see those that forged the path. 
Beautiful.
GO STAR TREK.
And yet (sigh) There are still those who fight it...
For example:
When I was at the Star Trek movie, in the movie a gay couple walked through an area with their child...

Some IDIOT at the theater yelled "Don't ruin the movie for us!!!!

I yelled " Its PERFECT the way it is!" And then I stewed...then it hit me that I COULD have said "NO! YOUR ruining the movie- SHUT THE FUCK UP." And I sat there thinking I wish I would have said that for nearly half the movie.

The bigotry of some people!!!!

We apparently still have a long way to go.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Organized Religion Is Just Man's Excuse To Play God



Organized religion is just men's excuse to play God. (A while back, that occurred to me...you can use it as an original Heidi quote...:p)

It has hurt more women,made more women turn on each other in the name of religion when we could be helping each other, given more men an excuse to beat women and kill men,created more bigotry and forced us all into a collective guilt trip that makes us believe we will never be good enough to get back to God.

It is a SHAM. (This is just from the Book of Heidi : some of you know my story- if not go to June of 2014 and read my story)


I have seen people who already feel bad enough, feel WORSE because of the lie that is religion


I realize though that for some people religion brings them comfort.


But for me,


God is LOVE. It will always be so.

THAT is my religion.