Friday, October 14, 2016

Donald "Oompa Loompa" Trump And Sexism In My Life

Ok, I bet you knew I’d have something to say, or at least comment on the “Donald”.

As a woman, you know...with a “puss”, it offends me that he would talk like that about women.

I mean, I’m happily pleased that I would be compared in any way to a cat, though I think cats are like teenagers who like to act like they don’t care about anything, until food is involved.

But I think anyone who is so arrogant enough that he would brag that he can grab a woman, wherever he pleases because he’s rich needs a fucking shock collar.

“Puss” ZAP!!!
“Grab”  ZAP!!!

I think all women all over the world would thank whoever put that thing on him. :P


Male dominance is nothing new to me.

I’ve dealt with it since I was pretty much a toddler, and the older I got, the worse it was.

I mean, every little girl (not every girl, but enough of us)  learns from her father how women “should” be treated, according to the way he treats his wife, or sig other.

And my father was a real bastard. I mean, I was strangled for eating after 10 pm. How twisted is that? Talk about the ultimate control freak.

It’s a good thing I had counselling. My life would be so much different if I hadn’t.

I honestly think I would hate men if I hadn’t.

I’ve been married 25 years to the same guy and we’re close.

I’m glad I broke that cycle of violence.

I think that speaks for itself. :)

When I was a teenager, I loved going to one friends house.

She was REALLY into Prince, had  his albums (Ok, I’m dating myself now) and their house, unlike my “you can’t eat after 10, OBEY and go sit quietly in your room as punishment for well, being alive” parents was a welcome refuge.

Their mother was fun, my friend was fun, and every time I went there, I never wanted to leave.

Until her creepy brother laid his eyes on me. He seemed like an arrogant bastard, and I made a mental note to stay the hell away from him if I could.

I slept over, and my friend and I goofed off well into the night.

I got up late and my friend showed me the shower when I asked.

Well her brother, after I hadn’t been in there maybe 5 minutes suddenly (and quietly) opened the door and came in. I didn’t even know he was there. I started to get out of the shower and SCREAMED! HE WAS IN THERE! (Like a certain pres hopeful backstage “inspecting?”) I grabbed at whatever I could, wrapped it around myself and screamed bloody murder for him to “GET OUT!” and he finally did.

He had already seen me naked.  

It makes you feel so vulnerable when someone has seen you like that, without your permission.

I had a neighbor who had a break in years back. She was terrified they would come back.

That is what his doing that did to me. And there was no lock on that door.

Another time my friends mother couldn’t drive me home, so they told him to drive me home.

I got in the truck and slid as far as I could from him, right near the door in case I needed to jump out.

I lived in Idaho with my parents back then, and there was a street he had to go down that either led to the spud farms, or to my house.

He turned the wrong way.

He turned towards the spud (potato) farms.

It was dark, and I was getting scared.

He stopped the truck by the side of the road.

He said “If you don’t make out with me, I won’t bring you home.”

I was terrified.

I knew there was a bet that guys at my high school had made about how many girls, or which girls they could get to have sex with them.

Was that what this was?

Is he going to attack me???

The moment I thought that, I jumped out of that truck and started booking it. RUNNING for all I was worth back towards that little Mormon town...the one that was so backwards. (I’ll go into that later...maybe)

That asshole came at me in the pickup truck, and I wondered if he was going to hit me...he kept driving beside me...honking his horn and telling me to get back in.

Finally he said, “get in and I’ll drive you home...I promise.” I’m sorry.”

I said,”You better be. NEVER do anything like this again or I’ll tell your whole family. I swear I will.”

It was a good five or 6 miles home, damn it. I really just wanted to go home. I was exhausted.

I got in hugging the door, ready to jump out any second if he tried anything. He didn’t.

And I think right now of all the women who have been abused, and especially those who never make it home.

Later I told my friend about what her brother did. She didn’t believe me. Which made me feel even more vulnerable.

I am one of the lucky ones. I don’t know what he was capable of, or what he got away with with other girls.

What gives men the right to treat us as objects??? As “things,” which leads men to treat us as  “property” that they can do anything with? Which brings me to this.

What I would  have given to have pepper spray back then. (Now I know Krav Maga, an israeli fighting technique taught to U.S marines. I think every woman should know these techniques. It empowers you! (happily there are free videos that anyone can learn from Krav Maga girl...I adore that women. Video here for you! :) And its free on YouTube. My huz and I got a plastic gun and knife and practice the techniques all the time. I suggest you do the same.

Men need to start treating women like people, not an afterthought or a slur.

Because this.

And speaking of this, I think all the Republicans (and whoever says the above needs to relearn how to use their words.I have heard them say all of the above. EVERYTHING but...she is a PERSON.

We are PEOPLE damn it, not an afterthought, and not something to be used as a dick magnet. Yes, I said that. How would you feel being objectified your whole life??? Walking down the street and men nodding at you in approval,(as if I care..I do not dress for you) looking you up and down, or yelling obscenities, what they want to do to you, or even grabbing at you (which really has happened to me)

One guy at the YMCA actually keyed my car, all the way from the back to the front around the bumper because I confronted him as he wouldn't stop staring at the ladies in the pool (they kept complaining but did nothing about it, so I DID do something about it, I told him it was making the ladies uncomfortable. He did stop, but then, I am pretty sure he keyed my car. He is the only one there I don't talk to and am not amicable with, and he has seen me get in my car.) I am sick of being treated like if I don't talk to a man or respond that I am somehow offensive, or have insulted their "manhood" and must be taught a lesson.

Enough already!!!! Its controlling and SICK.

That video of Trumps disgusting behavior and BIlly Banks misogynistic “good ol boy” response (egging him on in a “get it on” kind of way- and telling a woman that she should hug Trump after that display ) should be the ultimate example of the way men should NEVER respond to women.

We are after all, not a slab of meat for your inspection (speaking of Trump steaks)

My favorite Ted Talk says it better than I ever could.

If every man was like Jackson Katz, we wouldn’t  have this problem.

Who knows what Trump has gotten away with. But if this is any indication, I wonder how many women he's hurt (As more and more women are coming forward.)

From the Huffington Post Article "The second declaration is even more astonishing, because it is signed by “Tiffany Doe”, Mr. Epstein’s “party planner” from 1991-2000. Tiffany Doe says that her duties were “to get attractive adolescent women to attend these parties.” (Adolescents are, legally, children.
Tiffany Doe says that she recruited Jane Doe at the Port Authority in New York, persuaded her to attend Mr. Epstein’s parties, and actually witnessed the sexual assaults on Jane Doe:
I personally witnessed the Plaintiff being forced to perform various sexual acts with Donald J. Trump and Mr. Epstein. Both Mr. Trump and Mr. Epstein were advised that she was 13 years old.
It is exceedingly rare for a sexual assault victim to have a witness. But Tiffany Doe says:
I personally witnessed four sexual encounters that the Plaintiff was forced to have with Mr. Trump during this period, including the fourth of these encounters where Mr. Trump forcibly raped her despite her pleas to stop.
Tiffany Doe corroborates, based on her own personal observations, just about everything in Jane Doe’s complaint: that twelve year old Maria was involved in a sex act with Mr. Trump, that Mr. Trump threatened the life of Jane Doe if she ever revealed what happened, and that she would “disappear” like Maria if she did.

This brings me back to that giant orange pusticle of a man.

That freaking oompa loompa.

Just because he’s “rich” (so he sais) doesn’t give him a free pass.

He better NEVER become president.

We can do SO much better.

Monday, September 26, 2016

When Mormons Don't Leave You Alone, You Write Them a Letter Dammit!

When I left mormonism, it was for many reasons. (Many of which became blogs on this site.)

There was one big determining factor (the bigotry)

The worst part is living with a neighbor who had a rental  kitty corner from my house.

He used to live down the street, but moved into his rental.

That makes him kitty corner from my house now.


He just does NOT want to let go. (I know it has nothing to do with his moving into his rental but...)


1st when I talked to him about issues about the church I’ve dealt with as a woman he just didn’t get it, and later when I would ge walking at a beautiful protected forest he would stop me and bother me when I just wanted to go for a walk.

Most times he tried to tell me how I should feel as a woman in the church (found in blog here) which doesn’t work because I am a woman. He is NOT.

(And YES, the neighbor in that post bugging me is the same man I am talking about here. UG)

I left the church, and he kept bugging me. He was the ward mission leader (last time I checked) and missionaries would try to wheedle their way into my house ( details below) I would not let them in, though one time Joe answered the door and they supposedly “ had to use the bathroom.” (what, so they could mark us off on their checklist that they saw us or something???) Even though the neighbors lived no more that a few feet away…

Last week that same neighbor came over and gave me his business card, talked to me for a while about making money for himself through a lawn care business, of which he pitched to me, when my phone went off.

It made me laugh.

My ringtone is Muses song “Defector.”

After he left I let a friend who is Mormon on Facebook know that I just wanted him to leave me alone..she told him at church that “I just wanted him to leave me alone” (what she told me she told him at church)  and he came up with this whopper.

I said I would get back to you about the yard waste disposal proposal.

Unfortunately, I must let this note suffice after learning that I must have said something that offended.

Although I wish I knew what it was, I’m sorry and will not initiate any further contact.

She never even said that! So he’s lying. I seriously need to MOVE.

In the meantime, I wrote this...

Mr------------ (and Mrs-----------I appreciate you as you have not bothered me but have respected my wishes. Thank you.)

But Mr -------------, you have NOT respected my wishes in the past. It feels, as before when I’ve talked to you, that you’ve completely misunderstood me AGAIN.

And it reminds me of my experience with mormons and how they have NO idea what boundaries are. Or even how to HAVE them. Or how to treat others with respect when someone puts up a boundary and a mormon tries to SHOVE through that boundary. You have NO idea how incredibly infuriating it is.

And trying to force things on people who don’t want anything to do with Mormonism is arrogant. Mormons aren’t the only ones who are happy. I know PLENTY of people who just ARE (happy) that have nothing to do with religion- it just has hurt way, WAY too many women. I AM happy, I just want to be left alone.

Its nice that you talked about your daughter and how she is as I really have a love for her.

But I don’t care about anyone's perceptions of me or if you think I’m a good person. Saying what you did there felt like a judgement that just honestly doesn’t matter to me one way or the other. .

Which makes me think of this- I have a wooden plaque in my house that sais this (From Mother Teresa)

  1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
  2. Love them anyway.
  3. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
  4. Do good anyway.
  5. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
  6. Succeed anyway.
  7. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
  8. Do good anyway.
  9. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
  10. Be honest and frank anyway.
  11. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
  12. Think big anyway.
  13. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
  14. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
  15. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
  16. Build anyway.
  17. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
  18. Help people anyway.
  19. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
  20. Give the world the best you have anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

Ok, the church talks about “ choosing to be offended” and that’s NOT what this is as you assumed I was offended  in your letter you put at my door. (my friend never said anything about me being offended either, she just said “I wanted no contact.” That’s straight from what she said on facebook..)

I am freaking triggered by you.

I am triggered by you, and the mormons I know from around here. I have PTSD attacks. That I have PTSD attacks because of my incredibly abusive father and because of the church is saying a LOT. You have NO idea how traumatic for me it is for me to talk to you or any other member I run into.

After I talked to you, I had to go inside for a couple hours until I stopped shaking. I know that I can’t be hurt anymore, but for some reason my body doesn’t.

I imagine you know nothing about PTSD (maybe you do, I don’t know. )

But your talking to me is triggering when I really don’t want to be bothered- I just want to be left alone.

PTSD is sometimes called PTSI (it is starting to be called post traumatic stress injury by  psychotherapists and military because that’s what it is, an injury. )

I go to therapy for first, abuse where I almost died from my father’s strangling me, among other things, to the abuse from the church, because that’s exactly what it was, abuse.

Unrighteous dominion.

Just seeing you and talking to you felt to me like you were trying so hard to choose your words carefully. Your being uncomfortable made me uncomfortable because honestly, again...I didn’t want to talk to you.

There have been way too many judgmental (not to mention ungodly, unloving (it was ANYTHING BUT LOVING) things done to me over that period that I was interrogated for a month by the old bishop. So much so that I had an ulcer over it until I went with a friend from church to a conference where Anita Moorjani (who had a near death experience like I did) talked about how her father who tried to force her into an arranged marriage. He (her father) was in heaven and that didn’t matter there, not the arranged marriage, or religion, or things taught here. The only thing that mattered was love. She said we have no idea how magnificent we are. And how loved we are. That God is love. That’s all I needed to let go of the abuse from the church, and it gave me the courage to let go of limiting beliefs that I know in my heart for me are wrong. I still remember while I was there at that conference just finally letting go,  but I still have things I am working through because of the abuse.

I don’t like worrying about going outside my house and being bothered by mormons (whether it be missionaries- which has happened- or lady missionaries- which has happened too.) They said hi and then I walked to the house wanting them to leave me alone and they snuck up behind me as I was walking to my house to go inside. I turned around and they were at my door so I shut it in their face.

I just want to be left alone in my own freaking yard!

Once Male missionaries  tried to get in my house by saying they needed to use the bathroom when your house was a few feet away. Other times I have been outside working on plants and such when they came up and started talking. Like a young man or woman knows anything about life etc trying to tell me how things are? Please!!!???!!!

One time I was out working on plants, I saw people go by to your house, and then I went to the store to find out two of the ward members waited till I was gone and bothered my husband asking him “can we come in” even though we just wanted to be left alone. (he didn't let them in)

I had resigned from the church with a lawyer who did it for thousands of us for free, (when the church came out very cruelly against people who are gay thousands of church members resigned, including me.)

That lawyer has also said if mormons bother us  any of us to let him know and he will press charges against any of you and he’ll said he will do it for free.

I am telling you this for good reason.

When I first went through what I did with Ordain Women I spoke to you. Instead of listening, you talked AT me, telling me what I’m supposed to feel as a woman, trying to mansplain away my feelings having NO idea what I was going through as a woman.

There’s just no way you will ever understand, no matter how long you talk.

Being misunderstood and talked about behind your back SUCKS, and I heard about the gossip about me from other friends at church

Mormons I’ve known from before will come up to me in a store asking me “how are you” and one person even said “I just want you to be happy” when I AM happy. Statements like that are REALLY arrogant and judgemental, because again, mormons don’t own the market on happiness, plenty of people I know who aren’t mormon ARE HAPPY.

I am perfectly happy just the way am. I am much, MUCH happier now than I ever was mormon going to church hearing so much bigotry and misogyny shaking my head and sad that people actually are being so closed minded towards Gods creation.

My near death experience taught me that God is love. SIMPLE. We complicate God. when he is LOVE.  If that was a religion, I would be that. I fall short plenty of times in that department, but I try.

I am still angry as hell at what was done to me by men acting like they are God when they are NOT.

If I have a definition for organized religion it is that organized religion is men’s excuse to play God. I will never, EVER join another religion. Men screw it up or say something and then say its of God when it is just men talking.

Lastly, I want to bring up a point...If there was someone in the past you dealt with that mowed you over on your feelings about church and then came over for “business” asking for money, how would you feel?

Waving hello is fine, I just honestly don’t want to talk to you. You don’t have to make me a project, feel like you have to say anything to be a good “Christian.” or feel like you have to fellowship me. I’d rather you don’t.

Just don’t.  

I have put up boundaries which too many Mormons have NOT respected. Which honestly, pisses me off.

Someday we will move, and to be blunt, it is BECAUSE there are mormons here. We want to move somewhere where we will be left alone with a lot of acreage out in the middle of nowhere.

I have heard on a website that in Florida many don’t even know anything about Mormons, so we may look into Florida.

As to everything else, God knows me a lot better than you, or any other mormon does. I’ll stick with THAT God. NOT the mormon God, thanks.

This letter will be on his front porch, bright and early (4:30 am at least.)

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

I Almost Committed Suicide On My 16th Birthday- And What I Would Say To her.

As my 47th birthday approaches, (it is now over) I am remembering an OLD birthday. (Also a conversation with some women on Facebook about abuse and what we went through and survived.)
MY life is SO different now.
My 16th birthday my parents "forgot" my birthday. On Purpose. (I found out later.)
I wrote a song about it years later.
Sitting on my bed alone
Holding shards of glass from my old dresser
If I slit my wrists, they'll find me here
My 16th birthdays come and gone
forgotten by the ones who are supposed to love
If I do it maybe they will finally care
I'm a shell anyway
A broken spirit inside here
No other way to make it clear
If I close my eyes and do it
Slip away
If I do it
I can fly away
If I don't
All thats left is more of the beatings that I get for being me
What is so bad about being me?
I'm afraid
Every time I speak I get beaten down
This time I can't get up
I'm afraid this time I've finally given up
SItting on my bed alone
Thinking thoughts no child should ever deal with
Come on now be brave
Just close your eyes
The feel of glass against my skin
All that was left was simply digging in
Blood would trickle down
Death stared me in the face
and it was more than once
Should I let my father kill me
Or should I do it myself
I'm worthless anyway
then I heard a voice say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes it’s bad
And I know it’s tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Have hope
Don't you dare give in
What is brave is not giving up
You won't live until you know you've found real love
And the glass fell from my hand
It was enough
SItting on my bed tonight
Next to someone who does understand me
I never thought life could be this way
Home was never a good thing
Until I found myself outside the other one
I can be myself
My life was meaningless
Now it is meaningful
So much that I have to give
I have so much to live for
I was fearful
Now I'm fearless
Theres so much in life that is worth living for
If your life is hell on earth
Know there were others before you
If I could talk to you
I'd be that voice and say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes its bad
And I know its tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed
If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Don't end it now
(I found out they "Unbirthdayed (is that a word?) all of we girls. ) Just my sisters all made up for it by decorating each other's lockers at school when that happened.
They never did it for me though.
My life was so bad at that house. Between my sisters and their cruelty, (their nickname for me was 'doughhead" as in "no brain." They treated me like I was stupid and when I talked I was ignored, because to my entire family, nothing I said was worth listening to. So I would speak up in this tentative little voice, and no one listened.
When I first went out into the real world, when people actually listened to what I had to say I would freeze and go blank, because I was not used to it.)
That doesn’t happen now..
I am not that 16 year old anymore.
I have come a LONG way baby! I am YEARS from being 16.
And life is GOOD.

Glad I stuck around. :)