Sunday, May 22, 2016

Feminists Beware!

A male friend on facebook asked me to respond to a sexist blog on facebook, along with other feminists.. I had his link here, but honestly, I don't want to link his blog here with mine. I'd rather people don't give him what he wants in hits etc...

So here’s part of his rant… and mine.

“ I've been following feminist lunacy ever since August of 2014”

Right away listening to him talk like this I’m getting pissed off...

SIX TIMES MORE GENDER BIAS THAN RACIAL BIAS IN OUR COURT SYSTEMS IN FAVOR OF WOMEN, and yet even despite this feminist groups still find women to be the primary victims of discrimination in the penal system with some even suggesting women's prisons should close entirely.”

Ok, you look at rape culture, and this guy doesn’t even MENTION what women go through in court if she’s been raped. The questions and humiliation and “what were you wearing” b.s. He just mentions this. And where did he get his ratios? Just because Michigan law says it, doesn’t make it so. I for one would have to see more studies.

“the fact that much of feminist theory is rooted in someone's hatred of men”.

And there it is again...the assumption that all of it is because we hate men.

We don’t, we just want fairness. For our daughters and mothers and sisters. For the guys that end up with our daughters... to not treat us like an afterthought to use however they want. To be able to walk with our heads held high, both of us, as PARTNERS.

“ I can counter any feminist talking point by citing other self-identified feminists. So much so I could probably write a whole other article doing so”
This guy sounds seriously full of himself and apparently he knows all the answers. ;p (Women beware!)“Feminism crossed the toxic threshold at least 30 years ago and is now slowly killing us. Any ideology that uses circular logic as validation for why it needs to exist is proof of how destructive and totalitarian that ideology can potentially be, as in order for it to no longer be valid, everyone must agree with it. That should scare you to your very core dear reader.”

Killing who??

Women are now marching in India and all over the world in protests to things like a rape that happened to a woman on a bus. 7 men raped her, she ended up in the hospital, and she DIED. They rose up, women AND men and took to the streets. Things are changing. BECAUSE women are standing up and saying NO MORE! The world is getting better, Not worse. And what a beautiful thing that women are starting to stand up for each other! :)  This guy doesn’t say ONE thing about the struggles women go through. He just keeps talking about how he knows how to shut women (feminists) up.  I doubt he does. They no doubt steer clear of him once they realize what kind of man he is.

Malala, the woman who was shot in the head for wanting to go to school calls herself a feminist, and she is changing the world.

Her father calls himself a feminist. Now THAT is a real man. Real men build other women up. And the men around them.

This guy, well, he’s just making excuses. “Dear reader” he so sweetly says. Awww...isn’t that sweet. Pat me on the head and send me to bed with warm milk...

Dear reader, My ASS.

So, he responds to me like this… (Yes he replied, and I haven’t replied to him directly)

“need some anal gel for that bad case of butthurt?
(Uh, what butthurt??? This in itself is just infantile. Try to insult me with some kind of sexual innuendo to shut me up or TRY to shock me? I don’t think so!! 

I also just realized while I was meditating (Greeeeeeeeeeeat)  that this ass basically told me after I responded to his sexist blog (he very graphically told me)  about "anal gel"hes basically telling me that hes f'd me like the...whaaaaaa???? . What a freaking pig. WHY do some men have to resort to turning a woman standing up and speaking out into a sexual object so people won't take a woman seriously?

Whatever. Right... Well it isn't going to work, but it

SERIOUSLY pissed me offf!!!

I am writing about this guy so women can AVOID this guy like the plague.

arg....I need to remember the centering thought of the day, not this pigs comment.

He goes on...

"I can tell you didn’t follow all the links to the UofM site, because both studies are there, take a read and come back.

yes i look at where rape culture came from, and it can be found in its most hateful form in the SCUM manifesto, I'll probably do another article tracing those threads.

I mean the cult of SocJus/feminism seems to assume EVERYONE is some kind of -ist or -phobic and thats actually being taught in university to some degree, please tell me how one is wrong and not the other. You also seem to forget i'm talking about ideas here.

So its only about equality for one group of people? not for everyone? ok.

But you have all the answers right?

killing society if you haven't noticed, thats kinda why donald trump is winning.

While we're on the topic of India did you hear about the kid who got lynched over a false accusation? its great to see women stand up for each other and get men to murder on their behalf. I don't mention any of the struggles women go through because we already know what they go through.

Real women stay at home and support the man who supports her. If I dont get to define what a real woman is you dont get to define what a real man is.

good day M'lady ;)”

Looks like he can also read my mind as he said I didn't follow the links that I looked at of his yesterday... they were only all negative with women saying mean things about men. As if he's not. does he need some anal gel?;p

The Scum Manifesto? I have read it, and what he posted.  How does that have to do with men raping women??? Is he trying to say it’s women’s fault for rape because women have said some pretty mean things about men??? Words are not rape. Rape is because a man takes his junk out of his pants. It has nothing to do with the woman,It’s HIS, GET IT???And the blame belongs squarely on HIM, NOT her.

It’s not worth answering anything this man says because men like him will never learn... (which is why I refuse to talk to him...I've talked to men like that. The minute you start talking to them, they get this far away arrogant look in their eyes. Then comes the mansplaining because THEY know best (NOT!)
And he expects women to respond well to him when his first sentence to me, a complete stranger is about "anal gel? " WHO the HELL says that to a woman and expects them to respond???? If he really talks that way to people I think he has REAL problem with the social graces and is probably awkward in public. Almost to the point of that idiot Raaaaaav V or whatever.
But its the internet...dudes gonna make a name for himself by flinging insults. Reminds me of Trump. :p

And real women stay at home? (rolling my eyes now! Whether he was joking or not I don't care. You don't insult a total stranger and then expect them to see when you're "joking" even though you're just being an ass.) and then he ends it with a medieval "M'lady" and a wink...after insulting me...y

You know when a man insults a woman, then jokes with her and thinks he’s on a gee I can mess with you fling... and then be like, oh, I'm KIDDING, can't you take a joke??? And then she should play along?

Now I know what kind of man he really is... what is he? Mormon, religious freak or misogynist I can't decide... what's funny is that  my husband asked if this guy is Mormon when I read the article to him... as I used to be Mormon and left two years ago after being interrogated by a Mormon Bishop for being a part of ordain women... and because I had a marriage equality sign on my lawn. I know some good Mormon men... my husband being one of them but this guy is misogynistic to the nth degree...

Another woman tried to get him to listen to reason by patiently giving him links to articles about suffrage and bullet points about what women have gone through.

This was his response-typos and all;p Though he and I have typos in common... At least it wasn’t about “anal gel”.

“I have every right to hate feminism when feminist policies and models will one day effect MY life, and it has already. You dont know MY experience so dont you dare say i have no right to hate feminism.” (And then the baseless accusations to her) Your the one, as a feminist, who is trying to reduce the insanely complex rabbit hole that is feminism down to "patriarchy".
To which she responds...
"I never really write comments online. I'm just very passionate about equality in all forms and your article wasn't that hateful, it was just very uninformed so I decided to write to you. Either way, by your reply I'm realizing that you are quite hateful against people fighting for women's rights. It also seems Iike you don't think gender inequality exists at all in our society, which I find fascinating. It's also fascinating to me that you have so much against feminists because you think feminists are hateful, when you seem quite hateful yourself. I respect that that's how you feel. I don't personally believe hate ever leads to something good, but we are all different. Maybe one day in your life you will run into experiences that will change your views. Who knows. Peace."
Than he responds… “Fighting for womens rights and feminism are two seperate things to me. I'm also inclined to say you think inequality goes only one way, your wrong and if you feel so inclined feel free to follow me because thats probably what im going to be writing about most of the time. come learn something that feminism won't ever teach you about.”
(Now he’s assuming...which makes an ass out of u and me ha ha... AND telling her she’s wrong)
So I respond...
How arrogant...feel free to follow me so I can insult you more? Learn from me, a misogynist male who is completely clueless stewing in his own bullshit:p lol. His last line sounds like a come on line..."come on baby, come learn something from me that feminism won't ever teach you about."
Mrrrrrrrow! whew! lol HAHA!
I have decided this guy is not worth talking to.
So I won't.
Because he'll miss every point..

He’s too busy listening to himself talk.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Asshole (disguised as a nice guy)

I have dealt with some interesting things in my life. 

I have also gotten to know some interesting ladies at a pool at the YMCA as I work out there almost ever day..  I have loved hearing their stories.

Because they are older than I am, I have learned some good lessons from them and they have some amazing advice.

A couple of them have felt a bit like surrogate mamas to me.

Others I have learned not to talk to.  

Some too late.

I have learned who to trust, and who to not trust. (I hope)

They have gathered around me when I was hurting when my father died and just held me. (the story about my father is coming later- just taking a while to gather all my feelings together)

I got so confused and angry that I didn’t have a real father, and my emotions threw me into a real black hole I wasn’t sure I could get out of.  At times I just felt frozen.

They were there.

But so is Jim (Name changed)

Jim is well liked at the pool.
Hes always cracking jokes and people think he’s hilarious, and just a nice guy.

I’m not so sure.

From the beginning, he talked to me like you talk to a puppy.

I am not a puppy. It got really annoying. It was almost an annoying baby talk kind of thing.

In the summertime when it’s hot out, I like wearing halter top dresses that are long and flowing…it keeps the air flow going if you get my drift and I don’t get so hot.

When his wife was in chatting with the ladies in a room at the gym and I was in the doorway he came up behind me where she couldn’t see and touched me on a bare shoulder…it gave me the heebie jeebies.

He would get closer and closer to me at the pool and then touch me again, and again, and again.

I finally said something to him right in front of his wife.

I said that I didn’t like to be touched by anyone else other than my husband and to please stop.

That brought on a reaction that is too familiar to me.

Once I tell some guys to stop touching (I have had to do it too often... aggravatingly enough) many times after I do they turn into a flaming ass..

Because I talk to people and am friendly, some men in my experience assume  that it is ok to touch me. Do women do this to men?

Not in my experience.

After I tell them that, these guys  get MEAN. 

Which is what Jim has done…bothering me about doing this and that…

He started doing this really strange thing when I came into the pool…

He would suddenly get closer to me and yell “HI HEIDI” so everyone could hear. It was just bizarre.

The crowning jewel was a day or two ago when I was walking the pool with weights.

I have a back injury and was with a lady friend I go skiing with.

All of a sudden, a pool basketball is rammed up against my back, I am hit with water, and he is right behind me holding the ball on my back talking loud to me, excruciatingly close.

I am furious, and angry that he is not only pushing a boundary that I have made, but he is being a bully.

I say Jim, I don’t splash you… and get that ball off me!

He didn’t so I yelled

I mean it…STOP IT NOW!

And then I say to a lady who I really like there who sees the whole thing, "now YOU can splash me, but I’ll dunk ya!" (Deflecting the attention away from him, as it seems to be all about attention with Jim)

This whole time his wife is turned the other direction and somehow hasn’t seen a thing.

I am thinking…you bastard…you are crossing a serious line here. I decide who touches my body, not you. 

It’s MINE.

I’m still furious.

And I wonder if he’s a predator.

His wife is the sweetest woman.

And I have seen and heard from others how he controls her and it rips my heart out to think that this decent, sweet woman is being manipulated, when I see how strong she is.

When I did my One Billion Flash Mob Dance practice the one and only time in the pool this year she did it with me which was heartwarming (The blog on OBR should be below)

I talked to him the next day about the basketball he pushed against my back.

I didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his wife so I asked him if I could take him aside. He said really loud "anything you say to me you can say to my wife".

I said so you remember the other day when you pushed the ball against my back?

He said No

(There are two people who saw him do it)

I said, don’t ever do that again. I mean it. I know you like to be a funny guy but you are starting to feel like a bully to me, so just stop. I mean it.

He said ok, I know you mean it.

He better. (GAH)

One Billion Rising, The Pool Ladies, And Me

Today, I’m a little angry at the state of the world.

To be more specific, the state of my little world.

Actually, no, I am shaking my head at the state of the world AND angry because I am stymied at how people can sometimes be so calloused and uncaring.

I WANT to believe the world is better.

I have to.

Otherwise I wouldn’t try so hard and I would just give up.

Today I feel like giving up. I'm just exhausted.

Some days I feel like I am the only one who cares that women are beaten and abused, treated as if the only value they have on this planet is given to them by men who say they have to look or act a certain way… that it is ok to touch and act as if a woman is there to be treated as if they are owned... like a piece of property.   

I say NO. It is NOT ok, and it is the reason I try to make a difference. I try not to give up. No matter what, I WON’T give up.

I have been involved on my own:

I’ve done One Billion Rising (A flash mob dance called "Break The Chains") for three years now and have seen the impact that it can have on places and people.

I do it in my Nia class at my house (Break The Chains) and I’ve done it once at a gym…with interesting results…

It is amazing to me that one little dance can impact women so much. It empowers them, and I am proud to see it happen. 

Every. Single. Time.

I watch the people in my Nia (martial arts, healing arts, dance arts) class this year who I am showing the dance to, I see a light go on in their eyes…there is a power and energy in the dance that just feeds my soul and tells me everything is going to be all right.

No matter how many or how little of a group of women, it is empowering to stand up and say no more.

One Billion Rising:

"One in three women across the planet will be beaten or raped during her lifetime. That's 1 billion women and girls. Every February, we rise -- in hundreds of countries across the world -- to show our local communities and the world what 1 billion looks like and shine a light on the rampant injustice that survivors most often face. We rise through dance to express joy and community and celebrate the fact that we have not been defeated by this violence. We rise to show we are determined to create a new kind of consciousness -- one where violence will be resisted until it is unthinkable.”

I have met with plenty of resistance and today, I feel beaten. 

But I KNOW and REFUSE to not get back up. I will prevail, I know it. In my gut, I know it.

There is a gym I frequent and last year, I tried to get some ladies involved. They have a pool group of older ladies that I have gone to water aerobics with that I have really grown to respect and I thought, how amazing would it be to get them involved with One Billion Rising? Even more amazing would be having ladies at the pool do such an empowering dance.

I started to do the “Break The Chains” dance with them…

And then I realized, there is a MAJOR generational gap. As I taught it to the women at the pool, some women just stood there, defiant.

I told them, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to…and this lady and a few more led the charge to undo my efforts… (There were hours I spent on practices in and out of the pool) and it snowballed. (As far as I saw anyway)

I tried to keep a brave face, but nobody knew how defeated I felt.  I tried to hide it as best I could.

One lady said to me one day, “they just don’t want to think about that kind of thing. Many went through this and some are still going through this…but now that they are older, they just want to forget about it.”

I was thinking, well, what about your daughters, and granddaughters and mothers, what if they came to you. Would you believe them, or ostracize them and pretend it wasn’t happening?

What about standing up for them?

This is the one thing about women.

Women either pull together, and when they do it is an amazing thing to see.

But when they ostracize one person, single them out and label them, it might as well be a witch hunt.

It can be used to protect and shelter other women, or condemn her.

There is a woman in Bangladesh, who speaks of her country and how it is changing..

“Now (since she has gone there and help change things), if a woman is a victim of domestic violence, the other women will rally to her, and get her medical help, and legal assistance, and they will shun the man who attacked her. I have seen this happen with so many women – the discovery that they don’t have to be beaten; that they can be stronger than their attackers.

And it goes even deeper. I have seen the attitudes of men change. When I first went to the villages and suggested men share the housework with their wives, people laughed in my face, they laughed at the men who attempted to share housework. Today, it is spreading across the country, and some men talk about sharing with pride. Women aren’t forced to put up with being attacked at home like they used to. They have hope. When I hear how they speak now – it is amazing to me. It makes me think that anything is possible.
It’s very easy to stand outside a situation and say ‘I will do this for you.’ I have tried to work differently – to stand alongside people and say: how can I work with you? If you are beaten up, if you are intimidated, if you are afraid, I’ll stand with you.

For me, that’s what One Billion Rising has been all about. Women are engaged in this fight all over the world. Every February 14th, we come together to resist the violence against women that is happening to women all over the world. In Bangladesh, we had around 400,000 women and men who came forward and rose and danced in our streets, in villages and cities, held rallies, human chains, sign petitions, for freedom for women from violence and sexual abuse. I looked across during our rising in Dhaka, our main city, and I saw all kinds of women, women in saris, women in pants, women in hijabs, all dancing as one.”

And here I am, in my little town, trying to bring awareness, and these women (and a couple men in the class) try to shut me down.

And yet, in another country, 400,000 people dance.

Last year, I did get 5 amazing women to do the flash mob, and I still remember how empowering it was to me watching (and dancing with) these beautiful women despite the resistance there. To their credit they stood up and danced, despite having to do it in the gym where honestly, no one else but us could see it. It was a “shove them in a corner somewhere” and hope they will go away kind of feeling. But I felt so empowered watching them.

But just looking at them brought tears to my eyes. I know their stories. I am so proud to be their friend.

Here I am in America of all places where the women are supposed to be so independent and brave and I see…FEAR....and embarrassment.  I think they have been so conditioned that they don’t know any other way.

Its sad to watch some of these ladies look at each other for approval, as if they need the ok, and then when they don’t get it they bow their heads and just walk away in embarrassment. Even a couple who seemingly got brave shut down after long… but not all, and I am proud of those ladies that were so brave.

There was one woman who was my greatest supporter. I will never forget a time or two that she stared the others down and stood her ground when no one else would about doing the dance.

Me, I am asking for help in a small town in America…and I’m feel that at times I'm looked at like I have three heads by older ladies who can’t stand that I’m playing a song and inviting, not forcing anyone to dance to a song, that heaven forbid, has the word “No more rape and incest” in it.

The worst thing last year was no one from the actual gym staff was even willing to do the dance. No support. 


One young teacher started to do the dance (and I appreciated it) but she stopped (she couldn’t do it the day we did, she had to work) but no one involved at the gym would help. Not one.

Again….women in the world do two things. They either boost or protect a woman who has been brutalized, or they gang up against her, victimizing her AGAIN…

I really need to get in with a younger group of women.

I realize this is the generation that was taught to “keep the family secret” to stay silent.

And THAT is why the men get away with so much.

Shut up

Sit down

Pretend abuse isn’t happening.

But guess what?

he younger generation isn’t shutting up.

Some of us are so loud that we will shout it from the roof tops till someone listens.

I will be one of those people.

Some people might think that One Billion Rising isn't for everyone.

Well it is.

If you have a mother, a sister, a friend, chances are you know someone who has been beaten, raped or abused.

It is uncomfortable subject. But…I REFUSE to stay silent.

That is the enemy here.


No one will EVER silence me as hard as they try.

Silence is the only reason abusers get away with what they do.

There is a shift going on in the world for women. I can not only feel it, I SEE it.

(Just look at the O.B.R. dancing that will be going on all over the world.)

This is my third year doing O.B.R.

I was told this year by the pool manager that he would help me in any way he could, so I set up doing the dance at the pool and did it once…and THEN, after that news gave me hope that maybe they would help garner interest, and CARE….well This year, first I was talked to by someone about not doing it, and then the gym manager emailed me and said they “Admired my passion” but weren’t interested in doing it.

Ahhh the old school way of doing things. Hide it, bury it, pretend it doesn't happen.  

If you care, if you “admire my passion” don’t patronize me damn it, HELP!

Well guess what?

The younger generation is leading the way here and we are unstoppable.

You cannot stop a hurricane. We are a force of nature. We will NOT be stopped.

1 in 3 women are abused in their lifetime- They are. That's one Billion women.

If I could shout it from the rooftops, I would.

And still, in Bangladesh, 400,000 dance.

I will be dancing too. (I will do it in my Nia class this year.) I will not bow down. I will not be silenced. EVER.


Ever again.

My favorite One Billion Rising clip:
The actual One Billion rising dance: with a HUGE group! :)
My favorite Tutorial for the One Billion Rising Dance:

Now go find out where your flash mob is and JOIN. (If you so choose) I am with you all the way J

Break The Chain!

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Remember, Remember! The Fifth Of November,The L.D.S Treason And Plot; (the new rules on treatment of gay parents and their children ) And My Resignation From The Mormon Church.

Remember, remember!
    The fifth of November,
    The L.D.S treason and plot;
    I know of no reason
    Why the L.D.S.  treason
    Should ever be forgot!

(Thank you Revo for bringing up the point that it happened on November 5th)

November 5th 2015 the L.D.S. church issued a new statement for their bishops (etc) in their L.D.S. handbook.

Children of a Parent Living in a Same-Gender Relationship

A natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting, may not receive a name and a blessing. A natural or adopted child of a parent living in a same-gender relationship, whether the couple is married or cohabiting, may be  baptized and confirmed, ordained, or recommended for missionary service only as follows: A mission president or a stake president may request approval from the Office of the First Presidency to baptize and confirm, ordain, or recommend missionary service for a child of a parent who has lived or is living in a same-gender relationship when he is satisfied by personal interviews that both of the following requirements are met:

1. The child accepts and is committed to live the teachings and doctrine of the Church, and specifically disavows the practice of same-gender cohabitation and marriage.

2. The child is of legal age and does not live with a parent who has lived or currently lives in a same-gender cohabitation relationship

I really think what Paul Toscano sais here relates“LDS leaders' latest attack on same-sex couples & their children denies Christ's Atonement and echoes the hatred of the Nazi Nuremberg laws.”

This announcement of the church I'm afraid, will give others fuel on the fire to treat anyone who is gay and their children with even more venom than before.

I was treated horribly just for being a part of Ordain Women and this has triggered me, so much so that I have had trouble functioning for the last couple of days. It brings back too many memories of alienation and that “if you can’t conform, leave” mentality I dealt with those two years ago. I am being triggered, PTSD episodes are haunting me as we speak… but this is nothing.

I can't even imagine some of the treatment that children will endure from their peers (not to mention adults) because of the churches latest statement.

The same thing happened before with Ordain Women the minute there was an announcement. Suddenly, people who were kind, turned cruel. (that is here:

But I didn’t have to deal with it my entire life.

 They will.

I guarantee that it is happening right now.

This statement will hurt, and I dare say kill some of the world’s most sensitive souls.
(During my ordeal with the church there were times that I even felt suicidal because of the treatment, even though I told no one-not even my husband. This brings back so many bad feelings, mostly now disgust because there is so much more to life than this and believing that another soul has the right to judge you. (yes, YES, I know that they say its supposed to be God judging you, but I'll leave that to the REAL God, not the Mormon God. I am afraid that their God is just a man in sheep's clothing) I am freer and happier than I ever was in that bigoted church, but I am heartbroken for so many right now.) 

I am terrified that some will not be able to bear it. The blood is on the churches hands, and it just breaks my heart.

I have heard so many excuses over the last few days from Mormon people on the treatment of gay parents and their children.

The more I hear about it the more I think there are people in that church who have Stockholm Syndrome. ...they will make any excuse... even with all the abuses of this bigoted church to so many people to excuse the behavior. It makes me sad.

That is what happens when a church or a person controls every tiny little aspect of your life.

This comes on the heels of the Supreme Court’s ruling for same sex marriage.

Who do they think they are? Children who don't like the ruling in the Supreme Court so they throw a temper tantrum? What about the churches stance of following the laws of the land? I'm sorry, they don't speak for God.

This is flat out bigotry.

I read Steve Bloor's blog the other day who had a guest blogger Joseph A Hollenbaugh.

I am going to add it here because I think he hits the nail on the head:

"The Church itself holds the ultimate power of determining who may, and who may not, obtain the most important of God’s gifts and rewards. 

For believers, there can be no greater desire than to maintain “good standing” within the Church, which is tantamount to acceptance by God himself. To lose one’s place in the faith (or never to gain it) is to lose one’s place with God. It is the ultimate rejection, the ultimate failure, and the ultimate loss. Is it any surprise that Church leaders exercise that power fervently and jealously? And this late move against same-sex couples is simply that; a raw exercise of power.
You might say that is obvious, but to what end? Why this? But power needs no motive; it is its own motive. Yet the power to punish innocent children, or withhold “blessings” from them, seems entirely gratuitous on the surface. This policy, however, is not about punishing children. It is about exploiting children. Yes, exploiting. As in, using children as a means to an end. As in, using children as leverage to control the parents, and extended families, and the courts of the Intermountain West of the United States.
The use of Church affiliation as a means of control and coercion by Church leaders is nothing new, but the recent policy is a calculated and ingenious mutation of the practice. The Church has long used political and economic power to control its environment and membership. Yet political and economic power are trivial compared to the power over eternal reward or punishment for individuals and their families. The new policy brings all of these powers to bear and makes children the pawns in a devilishly intricate chess match."
See the whole blog here:  And to add to insult, at 18  the child of a gay parent has to denounce their parents gay lifestyle and not live with them in order to go on a mission.

Since I left the church almost 2 years ago I have wanted to resign, but have heard horror stories about people being harassed and sent more letters even though they resigned. I didn’t want that. But I just heard about a lawyer (God bless his soul) who is sending the L.D.S church resignation letters for free (you have to send a letter to them for your records to be gone) and he represents you so they can’t harass you.

So now, finally, even though I  thought it was too big of a hassle before, I am finally getting this monkey off my back.

I hate that this is right but someone posted somewhere that Mormon Church is like Hotel California..."You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

I will say this...I may be out, and happily so, but I will NEVER stop speaking out against the bigotry and misogyny that I see too often used in "the name of God.” against my brothers and sisters. I am just so furious about this.

So…I just sent my information to the lawyer who is helping those for free who would like to resign from the Mormon Church.

I haven't considered myself Mormon for almost 2 years. This will make it official.

I see so many people hurting today... it's ripping my heart out.

I am so glad that people are outraged. And they should be. It will not get shoved under the rug.

I hope the gay community feels how much love so many of us have for them and for their children.

I just wish we could all reach out and collectively give them a hug. To anyone that is know that we are. You are not alone and we are with you.

Remember the picture online of Christians holding hands in a circle protecting Muslims in Egypt as they prayed in a show of solidarity?

Well I feel that circle right now around the Gay community and it is coming from all over the world.

Love, in the end will always win.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

My Face Off With Death (My Near Death Experience : Chicken Soup For The Soul Submission)

I loved to dance when I was a teenager.
In the middle of winter my best friend Jennie and I would slide down the street in what we called our “slidey shoes,” whipping down the side roads covered in ice. She launched me down the road like a racehorse, both of us giggling. I pushed her too and we played “crack the whip,” kind of like you do in roller skating… all the way down the long road to go dancing.
We would end up falling flat on our backs on the road laughing.
What a memory.
We slid into the parking lot of the Galleria, a dance place for teens. No matter the weather, or what my day was like, I could let off steam and dance. And every year they had an all-night party there into the wee hours of the morning.
Jenn and I were always the last to leave. We were there till 7 am.
We were going home, and as an afterthought, I asked my friend if she was going to take the self defense class that the high school was teaching that week…after all, you never knew who you would encounter dancing. I had taken the class the day before, and I felt empowered! She said no, but that she would.
After that memory, there’s nothing happy about it. Not that day.
I came home from dancing that morning after the all night to morning party and tried to sneak Spaghetti out of the fridge.
I would try to be quiet about getting food from the kitchen without my father finding out.

With my father’s room right by the kitchen that was hard to do.

My father:  Incredibly abusive when I lived with them to when I left. He knew nothing of love, (thanks to his abusive father- I think that's where he learned to be such a bastard,) egging on even my sisters to abuse me even while he was beating me.  He controlled everyone and everything around him.

That is my father.

He would do his best to catch me eating: From 10 to noon we weren’t allowed to eat. After 10 pm we weren’t allowed to eat either. Any excuse to beat me to a pulp if I ate at any forbidden times.
I opened my bedroom door (that was also next to his) and closed the door as quickly as I could sneaking quietly, (or so I thought)  through the small corridor to the kitchen. I was starving. I couldn't stand my stomach growling anymore.

At 10:30 am, just as I was looking into the refrigerator door, he grabbed me.
He attacked me, hitting hard.
Years of beatings culminating in one moment, and that empowering self-defense class…I thought I could finally fight back.
For the first time in my life, I really fought back for all I was worth.
That took a lot of guts for me.
I realize now how sad that is, that I felt that way. That I almost died for eating that day is laughable. It doesn’t make any sense. But in my parent’s house, nothing made sense.
The norm was, when he attacked me, I would go completely limp. Like a prize fighter who knows he’s lost the fight, all the light going out of my eyes.
One shuddering sigh, and I gave up.
Cowing, I tried to protect my face, and swatted weakly at my father.
Enraged, he suddenly had his hands around my throat.
I looked up into the face of a mad man. It didn’t even look like him to me; this red faced, spitting monster with his hands so tight around my throat.

It felt like he wanted to will me out of existence with his bare hands.
Suddenly everything went black. I stopped struggling because it didn’t hurt anymore.
I didn’t feel his hands around my neck. I didn’t have to struggle to breathe anymore. And strangely, I felt peace. I have never felt anything like it in this life.
I could hear everything going on around me. And I could hear my mother yelling “you killed her”!!!
There was screaming chaos all around me, but in that moment, I felt at peace.
One of my sisters told me my face turned blue.
I couldn’t move. Weird, maybe I wasn’t breathing. Strangely I thought “huh…. I’m not breathing. It doesn’t hurt anymore”.
I only saw blackness, but in that blackness a clear, indescribable love. Pure, unadulterated love just flowed through me. It told me everything would be ok, that even though I stopped breathing, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was love.
Everything that I felt in that moment towards my father, hate, anger, fear: gone.
People who have had near death experiences say that they felt love and weren’t worried.
I didn’t feel worried.
Once, I heard of one woman in a car accident who lost a young daughter and she felt love. As she walked down a corridor with her little one, that little one kept walking to the end of the corridor without her and she knew it was ok to let her daughter go. She knew her daughter would be ok because she felt that love. She felt that peace and she let her daughter go.
That is exactly how I felt.  I knew I would be ok. I felt that love. I was enveloped in it. I knew it. It was familiar. Nothing else mattered. I felt cradled in it. I let go.
The only way I can describe it is being “Held by God”… I felt held by love.
People talk about that darkness before they go through the tunnel.
I think I didn’t go “far enough down the rabbit hole” to see that tunnel.
Suddenly I gasped…
I’m back! I thought.
That God held my life in his hands and didn't end it speaks volumes to me and to this day, I remember.
God chose not to end it.
My life had only just begun.
Years later when our teenage daughter tested me my husband said that maybe one of the reasons I didn't die could be so I would learn the lesson my father never did.
You can't control other people.
There were many lessons in my life, but the one that sticks with me is this: my young daughter flying down a ski slope getting closer and closer to the edge of a cliff; I fly as fast as my mommy skis can towards the safer side (near the cliff but making it so she can't get too close to that cliff) to reel her in to safety, but to still give her wings so she can fly down those slopes.
My daughter, who is always unafraid when she skis.
Now that she's older, I want to give her wings, not take them away. I may not be perfect at it, and I have made my fair share of mistakes, but when I see her fly, I am so proud.
These days, I eat whenever I'm hungry. I will never allow a child (or friend) to go hungry in my house (in fact anything is fair game- you hungry? If you’re at my house, you can eat it.)
I am a writer working on my biography about my life to help others who have been through abuse like I have to know that they are not alone. And I am a Nia instructor (Martial arts, healing arts (yoga) and dance. Yes, I still dance.
God brought me full circle. Nothing can stop me from dancing. I have found out…
I can fly too.