Monday, September 8, 2014

"An Open letter to Feminist Trolls" (Yes, the men whose favorite words start with B,C,or S)

Warning, language (But I sure relate!!!) Sometimes, when I have written my blogs, I get these lovely messages posted publicly by men to my blog to suck their, well you know, or that I'm a slut (How do THEY know? Honey, I've been married 23 years!) or that I'm a c word which is basically telling me I'm a vagina, which basically every woman has, and walks around with every day (as the woman in this video attests too, which means I'm not so that's not really an insult...I think this woman explains it beautifully, though its sad that THESE men(who are kind of simpletons and seriously misogynistic if you ask me) always resort to these three or four words words WORDS. Which mean, well...NOTHING:p.

Guest Blog: On Feelings Of Ex Mormons When They Leave:(This fits my feelings more than anything I've ever read) P.S. distribute far and wide!

This is a VERY good blog regarding ex-Mormons feelings about how they are treated after they leave...I would suggest my Mormon friends WIDELY distribute this... I like it so much and it fits a lot of my feelings about how people have treated me when I left the church: so much that I am putting it here on my blog site...(I got  her permission)

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Let It Gooooooo! (Video)

Funny..Last March I sang this song (I am a singer by trade- been in a band who was invited as one of 3 bands to be in Studio 7s "Battle Of the Bands" and would have gotten a contract if we won...IF I wouldn't have been Mormon at the time and played and gigged on Sunday: so don't be scared to click on   after the "inquisition" of a full month from my asinine bishop for my Ordain women profile where he took my temple recommend- I had been ridiculed at church (And my husband doing something called home teaching got bawled out by a member for my marriage equality sign in my yard- too damn bad! Its MY yard!) and just plain bullied by the Mormon Church Presidency in my area and this was my way of coping singing: I notice how tired and sad I look, but I was starting to let go... song I sang yesterday I look completely free and happy compared...Singing a song called "This is God" (I think it sums up EVERYTHING I feel about the world and how we should treat people. Its a song that is from "Gods" perceptive) I think there is a HUGE literal change in how I look...I am liberated from all the ridiculousness. And it actually physically SHOWS.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

My Thoughts On The Person Who Posted The Genie and Aladdin Saying "Now you are free"

My thoughts on the person who posted The genie and Aladdin saying "Now you are free" 
Sad as it may be that he is gone- I wish that he would have stayed.

So many are saying that "saying he is free is glorifying suicide". I do not believe it is...whats done is done and it can't be turned back, no matter how much all of us wish we could. 

I believe that the person who posted it was trying to make the best of a unspeakably sad situation. 

They probably are horrified that it could be taken in such a bad way... 

As his daughter Zelda said "While I'll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay", 

I like so many others wish he had stayed. We will never again get to see his genius.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Robin Williams, Me, And ENFP's

I don’t know why I am hit so hard by this…

I’ve been sitting here looking at Movies, plays, anything that Robin Williams has said and done, and I’m devastated. I’ve cried over this.

Sobbed even.

I don’t understand why, I didn’t know him personally.

But with the kind of guy he was, it felt when he was in those movies that are so timeless like he let us into his own little world. And he seemed totally unafraid.

You know, He would get that look in his eyes when you saw him in a movie that said “C’mere…  let me tell you a secret, and you’re in on it”  kind of look.

There are only a few people who have left this world that have given me that kind of impression.

Chris Farley, who when he got crazy funny, you felt like you were in on the joke with him.
Whitney Houston, who had this voice that spoke more honesty IN her voice than any other singer I’ve ever heard in my life. (I tried when she passed to write a blog about her and ended up a crying mess…I couldn’t do it.)

When I was a teenager I was sitting on top of a camper tanning in my bikini when I heard Whitney’s voice for the first time. I listened to the whole tape (Yeah, I’m old;p) she made such an impression that I thought “Whitney is such a strong woman’s name- If I have a daughter, I am naming her Whitney". (I did)

I would be doing dishes at my parents’ house  as a teenager singing “The Greatest Love Of All”- because I didn’t feel like I was loved, (Some of you who have read my blogs know about my horrible abuse) but that song told me about the greatest love of all…learning its ok to learn to love yourself…before I had loathed who I was because I was told I was worthless…hearing Whitney sing those words made me believe that maybe, just maybe I was worth loving. And I believed her. Her music saved my life more than once. Literally.

Those three people are timeless to me.

It  is rare that you find people like that, especially in Hollywood.

Years back when I took something called the Myers Briggs personality test, I found out I was an ENFP. - another good one as some of the other doesn't fit me anyway here Then I found out Robin Williams was an ENFP. I was so proud of the fact that I was the same personality type as him. I still am.

They say that ENFP’s have a silly switch. (My best friend from high school Jennie could attest to that- Sometimes I couldn’t turn it off:p) You saw that in Robin Williams in “Good Morning Vietnam” in “Mrs. Doubtfire” and how he ad libbed in Aladdin.

Especially Aladdin.

That man pretty much wrote his own script.

Despite everything, children eons from now will be singing “Let me take your order jot it down you ain’t NEVA had a friend like me” (I bet you just read that in Robin Williams voice, didn’t you?  ;p)

That is what makes him so timeless. He was an original. A legend.

Whatever his last thoughts were, he will never be forgotten.

From the bottom of my heart, Robin Williams, whatever your demons were, now you are free. (Sad as it may be that he is gone-  I wish that he would have stayed. But in the last day or so it has come out that he had Parkinson's disease..( Now maybe I understand a little better.

With that said, so many are stating that "saying he is free is glorifying suicide". I do not believe it is...whats done is done and it can't be turned back, no matter how much all of us wish we could. and I believe that the person who posted the Genie with Aladdin saying "Now you are free"  was just trying to make the best of a unspeakably sad situation. And I imagine they would feel horrified to think that people may think  they are glorifying suicide. In my mind they aren't.

  As his daughter Zelda so beautifully said "While I'll never, ever understand how he could be loved so deeply and not find it in his heart to stay", I like so many others wish he had stayed. We will never again get to see his genius.

My life as as a teenager was pretty turbulent. My life could have ended at any moment, I was beaten so severely almost weekly , my head being pounded against the wall passing out many time I was strangled for eating after 10. It is a miracle I am alive.

 At 16 years old I came close to slitting my wrists because my parents forgot my birthday... on purpose.
(I found out later...)

As I sat on my bed I saw our vanity table next to me, the broken glass on the tabletop mirrored my feeling of being broken and worthless.

I took a piece of that glass in my hand, and was inches away from slitting my wrist when something told me "You will never know how good your life will be unless you stay". That is the only thing that stopped me.

Life is a roller coaster. sometimes you want to scream, sometimes you feel like your going to throw up. (I like comparing life to a roller coaster- MAN the highs and the lows!)

BUT if you stay, you can learn to ride those waves, those up and downs, and ultimately, what I have experienced is a beauty I would have never known if I would have left.

God has brought me back from the brink more than once.

The other day I was at my counselors, and she asked me what I believe about God.

I told her all the amazing things in my life that have happened, from my near death experience, to looking at a website when we were looking for a house KNOWING which house would be ours before we even went to look at it and looking up at the sky and saying “Really God”? This beautiful house is for ME”? To the tailor made trail behind my house that seems (again) to be made just for me (I used to get in car to go to places like this to walk on in the morning) But for ME??

My counselor said “I think that the only way I can think of to describe to you what you are feeling is that you are “surprised by God”.

Yeah, surprise fits.

Whatever your higher power, your Buddha, nature,God, or not, there is sometimes sadness, but there is also BEAUTY in the journey.

With that said I believe that wherever Robin Williams is his reunion with Christopher Reeve and so many others must be joyous, whatever we feel down here. (All I know is that every near death experience I have read about,and the feelings I had, including in my own near death experience (Which you can read about here was about how much I was loved. The whole WORLD loves Robin Williams. I can't even imagine what the reunion must be like for him there.

If he ever doubted how much he was loved, now I believe he KNOWS.

Robin, For bearing your heart and soul in every movie, for letting us see who you really were…you were a bright light that never will really go out.

Now you will shine in a whole different way, wherever you are.

Thank you.

Friday, August 8, 2014

"A Soul That Has Just Gained Freedom Needs No Permission"

I don't know why but this. just went through my mind...

"A soul that has just gained freedom needs no permission"

Heidi Vesser (And now you know my name :))

That can be taken two ways.

One, a dying soul who has just found freedom in death needs no permission ...another, a soul who finds freedom in life....  needs no permission.

That thought can be taken in many ways. How SIMPLE.


I think I want it on my tombstone.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

They Can't Make Us disappear. (And Thoughts On My Unbreakable Book That I have Been Working On Forever...)

I think I have an idea...

My "Unbreakable" book that I've been working on for a long time has always felt a little bit lopsided- like its not finished...

I have realized that the abuse I have gone through has not only been on my fathers side but also from the church.

It has not just happened to me, but to so many others and more and more women EVERY day.

To tell the story of what happened with Ordain Women, with my bishop, the Churches public relations incredibly inaccurate (not to mention dishonest) statements, and all these amazing women...and how my life led up to THIS... suddenly I feel that that is what I need to do.

I was talking to my counselor today reading her my blogs (I haven't seen her in a few months) and after reading them to her she said "Heidi,you were born for this".

Ok God, I get it now...

With the 1500 hits in one day on a blog about why I left the church and now over 11, 000 my blogs have gotten (Not to mention the 260,261hits on my profile page on Google) it tells me people are watching the Mormon church very, VERY closely. This is only the beginning... they can't stop this movement... No matter how much they want us to disappear.