Wednesday, September 7, 2016

I Almost Committed Suicide On My 16th Birthday- And What I Would Say To her.

As my 47th birthday approaches, (it is now over) I am remembering an OLD birthday. (Also a conversation with some women on Facebook about abuse and what we went through and survived.)
MY life is SO different now.
My 16th birthday my parents "forgot" my birthday. On Purpose. (I found out later.)
I wrote a song about it years later.
"If"
Sitting on my bed alone
Holding shards of glass from my old dresser
If I slit my wrists, they'll find me here
My 16th birthdays come and gone
forgotten by the ones who are supposed to love
If I do it maybe they will finally care
I'm a shell anyway
A broken spirit inside here
No other way to make it clear
If I close my eyes and do it
Slip away
If I do it
I can fly away
If I don't
All thats left is more of the beatings that I get for being me
What is so bad about being me?
I'm afraid
Every time I speak I get beaten down
This time I can't get up
I'm afraid this time I've finally given up
SItting on my bed alone
Thinking thoughts no child should ever deal with
Come on now be brave
Just close your eyes
The feel of glass against my skin
All that was left was simply digging in
Blood would trickle down
Death stared me in the face
and it was more than once
Should I let my father kill me
Or should I do it myself
I'm worthless anyway
then I heard a voice say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes it’s bad
And I know it’s tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Have hope
Don't you dare give in
What is brave is not giving up
You won't live until you know you've found real love
And the glass fell from my hand
It was enough
SItting on my bed tonight
Next to someone who does understand me
I never thought life could be this way
Home was never a good thing
Until I found myself outside the other one
I can be myself
My life was meaningless
Now it is meaningful
So much that I have to give
I have so much to live for
I was fearful
Now I'm fearless
Theres so much in life that is worth living for
If your life is hell on earth
Know there were others before you
If I could talk to you
I'd be that voice and say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes its bad
And I know its tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed
If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Don't end it now
(I found out they "Unbirthdayed (is that a word?) all of we girls. ) Just my sisters all made up for it by decorating each other's lockers at school when that happened.
They never did it for me though.
My life was so bad at that house. Between my sisters and their cruelty, (their nickname for me was 'doughhead" as in "no brain." They treated me like I was stupid and when I talked I was ignored, because to my entire family, nothing I said was worth listening to. So I would speak up in this tentative little voice, and no one listened.
When I first went out into the real world, when people actually listened to what I had to say I would freeze and go blank, because I was not used to it.)
That doesn’t happen now..
I am not that 16 year old anymore.
I have come a LONG way baby! I am YEARS from being 16.
And life is GOOD.

Glad I stuck around. :)

Friday, August 26, 2016

APOSTATE!

The Mormon church calls you an apostate because you won't do what THEY want you to do while they hide behind God as if its Gods idea... (I keep seeing a Mormon neighbor and the way they look at me screams "apostate!"...I HATE it. )

I really need to move some day...but I ADORE my house and yard... its my safe place...sucks that it is this way, but life is good despite them. 

I believe that God wouldn't name ANYONE apostate. 

I think that God would call us anything, it would be child of God. 

One is based on FEAR and JUDGEMENT, the other on LOVE.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Star Trek and Suicide Squad

I saw two movies today and it got me thinking...

One was "Suicide Squad"...with seriously sassy chick Harley Quinn who acts dumb, but is actually VERY smart (psychologist gone "mad" smart) She "sirens" up and then kicks their asses.. (basically she  plays on men's "stupidity- could look at it two ways, dumb blonde, or SMART blonde who PLAYS stupid so she can lure men into the cage where she is to again...kick their asses for messing with her...)

There were scenes of men beating up women, talking down to them...honestly pissed me off.

WTF is wrong with Hollywood???
THEN we saw Star Trek "Darkness" and I think I just met my all time favorite female character EVER. "Jayla." http://www.bustle.com/…/173316-jaylah-in-star-trek-beyond-w…
Damn...she kicks ASS. AND is smart as hell. The only other character I've liked that much is the red haired elf in The Hobbit series...

There needs to be more kick ass women in movies...women who stand on their own 

On a side note... interesting,,,
I've noticed something..Star Trek is one of the first movies that treats women equally, in my mind anyway...and not just like eye candy.

Also, movies lately have been showing gay men and women...  

I think its the evolution of this century...

Like when they started showing African Americans and white people as couples way back when in the movies...
We ARE evolving. 
And when we look back we will see how this century changed. And see those that forged the path. 
Beautiful.
GO STAR TREK.
And yet (sigh) There are still those who fight it...
For example:
When I was at the Star Trek movie, in the movie a gay couple walked through an area with their child...

Some IDIOT at the theater yelled "Don't ruin the movie for us!!!!

I yelled " Its PERFECT the way it is!" And then I stewed...then it hit me that I COULD have said "NO! YOUR ruining the movie- SHUT THE FUCK UP." And I sat there thinking I wish I would have said that for nearly half the movie.

The bigotry of some people!!!!

We apparently still have a long way to go.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Organized Religion Is Just Man's Excuse To Play God



Organized religion is just men's excuse to play God. (A while back, that occurred to me...you can use it as an original Heidi quote...:p)

It has hurt more women,made more women turn on each other in the name of religion when we could be helping each other, given more men an excuse to beat women and kill men,created more bigotry and forced us all into a collective guilt trip that makes us believe we will never be good enough to get back to God.

It is a SHAM. (This is just from the Book of Heidi : some of you know my story- if not go to June of 2014 and read my story)


I have seen people who already feel bad enough, feel WORSE because of the lie that is religion


I realize though that for some people religion brings them comfort.


But for me,


God is LOVE. It will always be so.

THAT is my religion.

America Has Gone CRAZY

(Yes, I took this picture.)
(All you need to see every day is 3 giant “TRUMP” signs (there is one more sign on your way down the road.) Personally I would like to camp out near the sign and burn the sign, maybe with a nice bag of marshmallows to roast . :p This is the grand poo bah of signs.) DAMMIT!
I am fed up with American politics.

THESE days people are just throwing up their hands and saying “oh well, I’ll just vote for Trump, or just voting for Hillary”... or they'll say, if you're not voting for Hillary, you're voting for Trump.

People are getting to the point of being like playground bullies.

This election people are becoming tyrannical. Trying to force people to vote for Hillary... or say its "My" fault if we get what we get? Bullshit! Its not my fault that we are where we are.

 We are told we have the choice between (I add this) a fascist idiot and a criminal. I didn't put them there and I certainly won't condone either one of them being in the white house. And if one more person says its all my fault here I'm going to delete it. It is NOT my fault!

 Holy hell! I won't lower my standards for you, or anyone.

As my husband says: I can either vote for corruption or idiocracy.
Gee what a choice.
(As to Trump and my feelings about him- I’ll let John Oliver tell you for me- I think I’ve watched this at least 10 times- it starts out goofy and is hilarious, but near the middle gets more serious about his failed businesses and bankruptcies- this is NOT a man who should run the country. (His rampant racism and bigotry aside, not to mention the so called “Mexican wall” and deportations etc)
Do we have a choice?
WAIT, we have been TOLD we don’t have a choice.
They say (and I add this) we have a choice between a tantrum induced toddler and a corrupt politician who just happens to be a woman. (Damn it- WHY can’t we get a good woman!!! (Elizabeth Warren- I’m talking to you, and in the same breath, I’m disappointed in you too.

Jill Stein is looking better and better to me, I’ll get to that later)  
I just don’t know how this can be fixed.
There is too much big money, and honestly, too much cheating involved. This game is fixed.
And the American people are stuck in the middle watching their daytime soaps and evening comedies, distracted, with their pants down, if you get my drift.
How else did a clown get in here???
When Washington State had their caucus, I told myself I would go to vote for Bernie and then not get involved.
I voted and then like a kid addicted to “whack a mole” I got whacked myself.
I got talked into being a delegate AGAIN.
WHACK!
I should have learned the first time with Ron Paul.
I thought, “maybe” this will be different then when I was a Ron Paul Delegate with the Republicans.
Where I was screamed at by some “Christian” woman about same sex marriage “ruining America.”
Where I saw a ballot box taken by cheating Republicans and another guy who tried to stop it escorted out.
Later a guy who had tried to stop the cheating had a meeting about it with the other delegates. And what was done about it? NOTHING.
I saw people who were normally decent to each other ripping each others throats out.
What’s funny is that I had moved and the old people in my Mormon ward were on one side of the convention center, and the people in the new ward on the other for Mitt Romney, and I felt suffocated as they kept congratulating themselves and throwing corny jokes my way about the “black sheep in the family”
Not only that, but at church after Sacrament meeting AT church, some Dufus decided to bawl me out for not voting for the “Mormon” (Romney coincidentally, WHO I RESEARCHED unlike those who assumed he was good BECAUSE he was Mormon) I found his ties to Monsanto stock (GMO company)
Might as well have an exorcism right then and there, right?  Slam me on the forehead and “DEMON BE GONE!!!”
I  went to state as a Delegate, but what I saw in between all of that just made me, to be honest, disgusted with it all.
When the Republicans  weren’t trying to filch you for all your money as a delegate, they were too busy patting themselves on the back congratulating themselves for all the so called "good" they did. ( let’s be honest here, the good that THEY have done for themselves and no one else.)
I spent HOURS years back with a Ron Paul delegate who spent more time than anyone else I know on the floor trying to change the corruption that is politics. He stood in line for at least an hour or two to get his point out, and then they took him down by shutting down the forum to talk right before he got to the stand. Now HE is a good guy. (Yes Mr B.- I’m talking about you!)
Yet here I am in the same boat again, playing for the other team.
I have realized I am  Green party/Independent/Libertarian leaning Democrat, if there is such a thing.
I found I flt more into the Green Party structure myself. Check this to see where you stand: http://www.gp.org/120591/the_real_difference  


I wondered if the cheating would happen with the Democrats too. Well, I didn’t have to wait long.
Enter Hillary Clinton, who I have been watching with eagle eyes for YEARS.
Damn it, I want a woman president SO bad I can taste it.
But a corrupt, war mongering, Clinton Foundation (cough cough slush fund) establishment shill instills absolutely NO confidence in me.
What she has done to Bernie, and how emails  have been leaked from the founder of Wikileaks showing that she had spies in Bernie’s camp, is just flat out disgusting.
Meanwhile, online, the conversations  make me wonder why I am there in the first place.
Example:


Heidi  I am so so sick of politics right now and yet I'm still talking about it haha


Shela  I need to go to bed and stop getting so freaked out. But I tell you if something doesn't happen soon we're going to start getting bombed like Jerusalem and is not going to be funny we're going to be crying to the Britain to save us after we fought and fought to get away from them if anybody remembers that?


Shela  I'm just going to get off of my soapbox for now. As much as I hate to say it we be better off with Hillary Clinton at this point unless someone like Colin Powell comes up out of the ashes.


Heidi  We're in  need a good strong leader I just don't know where there is one who isn't corrupt unless we're talking Bernie.


Joe  lol Bernie


Shela I actually give a rat's ass about Bernie Sanders I think he truly gives a s***.


Shela My problem is having work for all branches of the service is that the president of the United States as commander-in-chief should be the highest military ranking person. I do not believe you should be able to be a president without a military high-standing standing background.


Heidi Lol Trump


Heidi  Don't even go there Joe whoever you are


Shela Joe is good folk


Joe  where did I say trump... Bernie..dodged draft just like trump..Bernie never had real job. Do you need a pacifier? Awwww  poor little thing...


Shela  Bernie has heart. As long as I have a daughter under 18 I would dodge the draft also.

Heidi  When Bernie  was mayor he stopped hundreds of people from being displaced in their homes in Burlington when Real Estate tried to push them out.  Burlington also was the first to have 100% renewable energy because of him.  He was also called the amendment King with over 90 amendments passing working with Republicans and Democrats as nobody else had. All the information I just talked about is said (and shown) about the middle of the video when it really starts to get interesting https://youtu.be/kfqNRReOXmA
YOUTUBE.COM
Heidi Sebastion This is a man who has just given more and more. Socialism is caring about other people... communism is more like what you're talking about above. I think you have a twisted version in your head of what it actually is or maybe you're watching too much Fox News


Joe  you are just one of those who thinks you are entitled to others money..btw how much money has bern gave away.
  
Heidi  For a guy who has a picture on your page saying "love comes naturally hate is learned" with a picture of two kids hugging you sure aren't being very nice. And you're assuming that I believe that I'm entitled to others money when you don't know me at all. I'm a 46 year old married 25 years woman. When people start calling each other names and assuming things about people telling them they need a pacifier. someone needs to grow up and get his big pants on. Someone's diaper is full of s***) :p

Shela  This might make a really good Blog. Heidi

Joe I haven't got nasty, but I can..I was being nice since was a friend's post.


Heidi Sebastion  Shela, honestly I'm cool talking to you Shel but he was extremely rude with the pacifier comments and poor little thing... just very childish comments and I'd rather not... having an adult conversation between two people who don't agree doesn't have to resort to rude comments... most times people won't change their minds no matter what... it's okay to have different opinions but resorting to comments that are inflammatory and childish are frankly a waste of my time.

Haven't gotten nasty is b******* on his side and if he can't see how childish he was and is trying to make excuses for it... all the more reason for me to not talk to him.  All the other comments he is making now are just the kind of comments of someone who's a troll and who likes to bait people... I'm done.
 Joe "I never called any name"


Heidi "awww (calling me a ) poor little thing" isn't?


I'm glad this is over in November! At least it’s over before Christmas!


I have seen people call each other names,block and delete each other on Facebook, tell me and people over and over that if we vote for anyone else than Hillary that we are voting for Donald Trump.


That frankly scares the HELL out of me.


My mother escaped Hitler's Germany (I’m serious) If Trump gets in, I’m afraid for us all.


HERE IS THE PROBLEM: . For years we have bought into the medias “IF YOU VOTE FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN THE DEMOCRATS OR REPUBLICANS, you lose.


Well here I am to burst your fucking bubble.


THATS OLD THINKING.


OLD.


From that article...


  • 42% identify as independents, 29% as Democrats, 26% as Republicans
  • Independent identification at least 40% for fifth consecutive year
  • Democrats maintain edge over GOP in party identification and leaning
IT IS NOT HOPELESS.
Get off the merry go round that is the two party system!!!
We’re just going round and round till were so dizzy we feel like throwing up.
Isn’t anybody sick of this bullshit???
O.K..


THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!


I looked into Jill Stein and took a quiz on who I relate to the most. Jill came in first and Bernie second. I am liking her more and more. Gary Johnson is another one to look into.

Hey, a WOMAN who is actually honest in the white house?


I think I may be changing my vote.


If we as a nation change our thinking, it may NOT be hopeless after all.


Af friend of mine on Facebook brought up a good point.
“The Republican party was once a third party, and they pushed out the Whig party.”


It is not too late. Don’t buy it. EDUCATE yourself, REALLY look into all the parties, and THEN vote.


Hell- I’ll even give you a head start.

(Click this unbiased link at the bottom to find out which candidate you are really most comparable to in ideology...I did. (Look to the right to take the test. Mine was 93% Jill Stein, Bernie Sanders(who is now gone... grrrr) then Clinton and down the line...it shows you the results too.