As my 47th birthday approaches, (it is now over) I am remembering an OLD birthday. (Also a conversation with some women on Facebook about abuse and what we went through and survived.)
MY life is SO different now.
My 16th birthday my parents "forgot" my birthday. On Purpose. (I found out later.)
I wrote a song about it years later.
"If"
Sitting on my bed alone
Holding shards of glass from my old dresser
If I slit my wrists, they'll find me here
My 16th birthdays come and gone
forgotten by the ones who are supposed to love
If I do it maybe they will finally care
I'm a shell anyway
A broken spirit inside here
No other way to make it clear
If I close my eyes and do it
Slip away
If I do it
I can fly away
If I don't
All thats left is more of the beatings that I get for being me
What is so bad about being me?
I'm afraid
Every time I speak I get beaten down
This time I can't get up
I'm afraid this time I've finally given up
SItting on my bed alone
Thinking thoughts no child should ever deal with
Come on now be brave
Just close your eyes
The feel of glass against my skin
All that was left was simply digging in
Blood would trickle down
Death stared me in the face
and it was more than once
Should I let my father kill me
Or should I do it myself
I'm worthless anyway
then I heard a voice say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes it’s bad
And I know it’s tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Have hope
Don't you dare give in
What is brave is not giving up
You won't live until you know you've found real love
And the glass fell from my hand
It was enough
SItting on my bed tonight
Next to someone who does understand me
I never thought life could be this way
Home was never a good thing
Until I found myself outside the other one
I can be myself
My life was meaningless
Now it is meaningful
So much that I have to give
I have so much to live for
I was fearful
Now I'm fearless
Theres so much in life that is worth living for
If your life is hell on earth
Know there were others before you
If I could talk to you
I'd be that voice and say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes its bad
And I know its tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed
If you end it now you'll never live your dreams
Don't end it now
(I found out they "Unbirthdayed (is that a word?) all of we girls. ) Just my sisters all made up for it by decorating each other's lockers at school when that happened.
They never did it for me though.
My life was so bad at that house. Between my sisters and their cruelty, (their nickname for me was 'doughhead" as in "no brain." They treated me like I was stupid and when I talked I was ignored, because to my entire family, nothing I said was worth listening to. So I would speak up in this tentative little voice, and no one listened.
When I first went out into the real world, when people actually listened to what I had to say I would freeze and go blank, because I was not used to it.)
That doesn’t happen now..
I am not that 16 year old anymore.
I have come a LONG way baby! I am YEARS from being 16.
And life is GOOD.
Glad I stuck around. :)
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