Monday, April 10, 2017

Unbirthday’d, My "Almost" Suicide, And The Incredible Netflix “13 Reasons Why”




As my 47th birthday approaches, (it is now over) I am remembering an OLD birthday. (Also a conversation with some women on Facebook about abuse and what we went through and survived.)
MY life is SO different now.
My 16th birthday my parents "forgot" my birthday. (I found out later it was on purpose)
The house we lived in was at the bottom of "snob hill" in that town. The rich people lived further up the hill, along with the girls from my school who were so cruel.

I waited ALL day for somone to recognize that it was my birthday. My 16th birthday,

Every girls 16 birthday is a milestone, and I thought it was going to be a special day.

I waited all day. NOTHING. Nobody cared. At the end of the day I was sitting on my bed, knees pulled up to my chin rocking back and forth, like I did every time my father beat me up. I wished over and over again that I had never been born so I wouldn't have had to go through this.

My eye caught the vanity table to my left, and the glass that was broken on top of that table....years later, this is the song I wrote... https://youtu.be/iJAB_z23sNQ
"If"
SItting on my bed alone
Holding shards of glass from my old dresser
If I slit my wrists, they'll find me here
My 16th birthdays come and gone
forgotten by the ones who are supposed to love
If I do it maybe they will finally care
I'm a shell anyway
A broken spirit inside here
No other way to make it clear
If I close my eyes and do it
Slip away
If I do it
I can fly away
If I don't
All that’s left is more of the beatings that I get for being me
What is so bad about being me?
I'm afraid
Every time I speak I get beaten down
This time I can't get up
I'm afraid this time I've finally given up
SItting on my bed alone
Thinking thoughts no child should ever deal with
Come on now be brave
Just close your eyes
The feel of glass against my skin
All that was left was simply digging in
Blood would trickle down
Death stared me in the face
and it was more than once
Should I let my father kill me
Or should I do it myself
I'm worthless anyway
then I heard a voice say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes it’s bad
And I know it’s tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You've yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed. If you end it now you'll never live your dreams.
Have hope
Don't you dare give in
What is brave is NOT giving up
You won't live until you know you've found real love
And the glass fell from my hand
It was enough
SItting on my bed tonight
Next to someone who does understand me
I never thought life could be this way
Home was never a good thing
Until I found myself outside the other one
I can be myself
My life was meaningless
Now it is meaningful
So much that I have to give
I have so much to live for
I was fearful
Now I'm fearless
There’s so much in life that is worth living for
If your life is hell on earth
Knew there were others before you
If I could talk to you
I'd be that voice and say
You are enough
Well you have to live
Yes its bad
And I know its tough
You've been beaten to the ground so many times
You;ve yet to live
Some day life will change
If you die
Life's not rearranged
Life will be as beautiful as you have dreamed
If you end it now you'll never live your dreams.
Don't end it now.
I found out years later they "Unbirthday’d (is that a word?) all of we girls, just my sisters all made up for it by decorating each other's lockers at school when that happened.
They never did it for me though.
My life was so bad at that house. Between my sisters and their sadistic and almost gleeful treatment of me, I was constantly knocked down emotionally AND physically without pause. My oldest sister was the one to physically beat me up most of the time, and my younger sister, with her biting wit would mock me all the time. Their nickname for me was 'doughhead" as in "no brain."

They treated me like I was stupid and when I talked I was ignored, because to my entire family, nothing I said was worth listening to.
I would speak up in this tentative little voice.  (and no one listened.)
Between my father’s beatings and my sisters, I felt unheard, unloved and suicidal.
There is too much of that in the world.
My high school wasn’t that different.
I was reminded the other day of how we can all be to each other.  "13 Reasons Why" (A T.V show on Netflix) pulls no punches...what a powerful show.  It is a VERY honest look at high school and suicide. If you have kids I recommend you see it... though it is graphic and brutally, BRUTALLY honest.
It shows what can happen in a high school when teenagers are incredibly barbaric.
It reminds me so much of when I was growing up and in school.
In Jr high I was beaten up at home AND at school...some people even daring others to beat me up, just for fun. ( I found out from one girl later.)
In high school a guy that I barely knew met up with me one time with a bunch of friends and I kissed him.The next thing I knew there were rumors flying around about me having sex with him even though I hadn't. I mean I met up with him ONCE hanging around with he and his friends in a car driving around town. And I kissed him sayng goodbye outside that car. How does a person turnt hat into sex???
My own sisters who had been sleeping around for years and were well known for it around town wouldn't believe me (it was almost as if they didn't care, they just wanted to believe it) when I told them I didn't do anything. ( I almost believe that the reason they did it was to make themselves feel better about what they were doing, that their little “virgin” of a sister supposedly  wasn’t so lily white anymore somehow got them off...it is unbelievably sad what we women do to each other!) I even got questions from friends about it...even friends who went to the junior high school.
One day I was walking down the sidewalk going home when I saw the guy who started the rumor in his truck....I couldn't help it... I automatically flipped him off. I think he got that I knew about the rumor after that.
Unbelievable the cold bloodedness, and lies... the almost ooooooo theres a rumor mentality...who CARES who it hurts.
This is quite serendipitous that “13 reasons Why” popped up on my radar yesterday- and the commentary on the making of the show afterwards (we binge watched the whole thing yesterday, it was that good.) It reminded me of the song I wrote- one of the actors talks about the fact that if a person ends their life, that they will never know how good their life can be is absolutely the point of the song I wrote in the first place.
Life changes. My life as a teenager, not to mention my entire life as a child  was the most painful thing I ever went through, BUT life now, insane as it is, is crazy beautiful! It is messy, and painful,  and WORTH LIVING.  
The things I had to endure as a teenager and the hands of my parent’s and sister’s not to mention, Jr high and my high school are just unbelievably horrible. There are no words to describe what a teenager can go through. Just being that age with its awkwardness is hard enough.

It is literally a miracle that I survived. But I am here! I made it. And being in the world, finally feeling love and peace and serenity, fleeting as it may feel sometimes is what it is like to be a human.
When I first went out into the real world,it was scary. I was afraid,and lonely.  
When people actually listened to what I had to say I would freeze and go blank, because I was not used to it. I was TERRIFIED.
It took YEARS to get past it, but that doesn’t happen now.
I am not that 16 year old anymore.
I have come a LONG way baby!
I am YEARS away from 16.
And life is GOOD.
I am still trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing, and still working on my book, it’s just a LOT to unravel.
But...I am in a much safer place then I was back then.
Glad I stuck around.
(The song below is a version of if I made some years back when I was getting the copyright for it and 30 other songs that I sent to Washington.  My husband said he would record it and do them once through as it was a busy day) I never thought anyone would hear it. It has mistakes, but it is the only copy I have right now, and I would rather you hear it though I’m sure I’ll record it again. Apologies for the end ...it makes me cringe… lol...my fingers hurt after 30 songs!) But I think you’ll get the feeling and what I meant to say. (That is the only reason I'm letting you guys hear this if there is anyone reading this who is hurting.)PLEASE don't give up. If there is anyone here who is desperate,please NEVER give up hope. Please PLEASE don't. I have been where you are. I understand. I KNOW it gets better. Whatever situation you are in right now, you can survive it, If I can survive it, I KNOW you can. If you feel like nobody cares, I do. I may not know you, but I know what it feels like to think nothing will get better. It WILL. This will not last forever. You can escape it, You yourself. Be strong. I thought I was weak, but I was being prepared for better things. You are too.

As Andy Andy Dufresne  said in “The Shawshank Redemption. “  Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”

Hold on.


https://youtu.be/iJAB_z23sNQ

4 comments:

  1. Hmmm...
    It seems like
    a never-ending-cycle:
    what's with your hair?
    Shouldn't you have it NON-dyed?
    And what's withe makeup, dear?
    Exactly.
    Precisely why it goes on N on N on.
    Helping yourself begins
    with changing how you see yourself.
    And that CHANGE doesnt involve
    dressing like a hooker.

    trustNjesus, lil one.
    ALWAYS.
    God bless your indelible soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And, no, Athena aint a goddess;
      'she's a filthy demon from Hellfire.
      Only 2 realms after
      our lifelong demise, dear...
      and 1 of em aint too cool.

      Im going Upstairs.
      I hope you'll join me.

      Delete
    2. And, no, Athena aint a goddess;
      'she's a filthy demon from Hellfire.
      Only 2 realms after
      our lifelong demise, dear...
      and 1 of em aint too cool.

      Im going Upstairs.
      I hope you'll join me.

      Delete
  2. Hmmm...
    It seems like
    a never-ending-cycle:
    what's with your hair?
    Shouldn't you have it NON-dyed?
    And what's withe makeup, dear?
    Exactly.
    Precisely why it goes on N on N on.
    Helping yourself begins
    with changing how you see yourself.
    And that CHANGE doesnt involve
    dressing like a hooker.

    trustNjesus, lil one.
    ALWAYS.
    God bless your indelible soul.

    ReplyDelete