Thursday, February 23, 2012
Life has a way of sending you someone just when you need them.
To be honest I’m not really sure that its life, it’s just Karma, or in my mind, God.
I think God knew I couldn’t make it any longer without someone to be my confidant. I was growing smaller and smaller and he knew without someone to finally have my back, I would just disappear.
I had taken a leap of faith and left my old “friends”.
The “friends” that called me ugly, that mercilessly harassed each other, the rejects of sorts (and their queen..haha) with our frizzy hair, downcast eyes and defeated look which said “kick me, I’m down anyway” kind of look.
Betcha every one of us was abused in some way.
The minute the “Queen bee” of the group ( The rhpsm as she came to be known- red haired pear shaped monstrosity) decided to annihilate you…you were toast . I was sick of being scared all the time. The fact that this girl tortured all of us and nobody did ANYTHING about it was taking what little self-esteem I had left, which wasn’t much. (If your lost, check around for my old blog on it below) http://songsofaletheia.blogspot.com/2011/04/better-to-be-alone-then-in-bad.html )
The truth is, in life, or in school, sooner or later the tortured either give up, or finally (thank God) stand up for themselves. It’s a dog eat dog world out there. (Anybody see Carrie?, Or Cujo?lol)
In high school If you’re not one of the “chosen” In that unforgiving world of Jocks and princesses it’s that proverbial "LAST STRAW" that FINALLY makes you stand up and say "HEY! You can't make me EVER back down again!" I AM somebody. YOU can't tell me who I am.
If you are one of the tortured, I DARE you to FIGHT. Stand up for yourself. Later on you’ll be surprised how strong you really were. It’s a beautiful thing, the human spirit. How resiliant it is.
There is nothing deadlier to a teenage girl’s self-esteem than bad friends. You hear online about it all the time. The kids that act like a girls “friend” and then plot against her online, offline and terrorize her until there’s nothing left but an empty shell. Sometimes those girls are the ones that just quietly disappear into the shadows, sometimes they commit suicide, sometimes, thank God, they move on and their lives change.
I was about to move on.
I remember the day I actually finally got the guts up to tell them I wouldn’t be hanging around them anymore. I took a deep breath, just told them quickly, and as they laughed at me, determined I set off on my own.
I walked around the school by myself for months, dejected because I couldn’t find a place where I felt I really fit in.
Life for me was pretty hard.
Having a bad family on top of it made me feel all the more timid around people who were made of the same cloth.
High school is so much scarier when you’re completely and utterly by yourself.
Everything you do takes on new meaning. You’re scared that everyone is watching your every move. In reality, I think that everyone IS scared and the person they really watch is themselves. Teenagers are SO afraid of looking stupid. They may make fun of each other and bully each other, but deep down they’re all afraid. I know I was.
So there I was, all alone walking the halls of the high school.
I did have moments of stupidity, (I did have a way of tripping over my own feet) but through no fault of my own. (Sorta:p)
Sooner rather than later I found solace in the fact that I was good at being a “floater” of sorts, going from table to table but never really going anywhere I felt that I really belonged, though the people I hung around at lunchtime were gracious enough.
Then Jennie moved in kiddy corner from my house.
I saw this girl twirling a flag team flag on her front lawn. I thought “how odd”. But I was curious and went over to say hi and the rest is a blur.
She went to my high school and hung around one of the girls that I kind of thought was one of the rowdier girls, so I didn’t know what to make of her at first.
I had prayed for a good friend for years...and here’s this girl twirling a flag that’s just moved in kitty corner from my house. I felt a tiny seed of hope start growing where there was none before.
I can’t remember how we ended up at a school dance, but suddenly I found myself there, feeling decidedly out of place.
I just remember at first I was bored out of my skull till Jennie did some kind of hypnotism/fall backward/truuuuuuuuuuuuuuust me kinda thing. There we were, Jenn and me and a guy I knew, the one who was mercilessly teased because they thought he was gay. And though I lived in a school that was the most closed minded on the planet. I didn’t care. I thought he was just fine the way he was.
Most everyone else was out on the floor, dancing around like they were attached at the hip. (Most of the adult chaperones would have had to use a cattle prod to get them apart, though a flashlight and a word or two would have to do)
Jennie was like a get out of jail free card. That’s what Jennie was. It’s like my whole life had been monopoly and Jennie was the jackpot where after landing on all the bad spots, I finally caught a break.
I didn’t care that we weren’t dancing with the world’s snobbiest crowd. We were having a good time.
And that’s how it all started. In our little world, being different didn’t matter. Being yourself was just fine, despite that everything I saw going on around me said exactly the opposite.
It’s when you stop caring (Frankly my school, I don’t give a damn;p) about what the world thinks and stop looking behind you and being terrified to see who’s watching that you really begin to live.
Being a round peg stuffed into a square hole just didn’t cut it anymore. (There’s no way I’m gonna call myself a square.:p) I was going to be whoever I felt like being, and they couldn’t do a damned thing about it.